91. Arguing for Your Possibilities, Not Your Limitations
Ever wanted a new job? A better work schedule? A raise? Or to finally start that business you’ve been dreaming of?
Did you go after it?
Or did you get stuck thinking about all the reasons it just wouldn't work?
So often when people want something, they will argue for their limits, for why they can’t have the object of their desires, whether it’s a new job or a new apartment or a long vacation somewhere tropical.
They will say that they’re just being realistic.
And maybe they are, in that what they’re doing matches most people’s realities.
And we often feel safest when we’re doing what most people do. But that doesn’t mean doing what most people do actually is safer or smarter.
And doing what most people do certainly isn’t going to help us create our wildest desires if those desires aren’t something that most people have.
It’s pretty hard to spend your time arguing for why you can’t have something and then to create that exact something at the same time.
(Um, and even if you could do it that way, why would you? It would be neither efficient nor delightful.)
Also: when you argue for your limits, you are arguing against what you actually want.
But instead, you can flip sides. You can argue for what you want instead. You can argue for why it is possible. You can argue for your ability to figure it out, even if you’re not 100% sure how to do that right now.
When you argue for why you can’t have what you want, you probably won’t get it.
Not because it’s impossible.
But because you’re using all your time and energy and creativity on the opposite project.
Bringing your desires to life takes effort. It takes energy. And it takes believing that maybe, just maybe, you can do it.
Otherwise why would you try at all?
Being able to argue for your possibilities is a prerequisite to going after your desires.
Tune in this week to learn how to do it.
If you want to supercharge your capacity to create a life that blows your mind, I have some one-on-one coaching slots opening up soon. Send me an email and let's talk about it or click here to schedule a call with me and we’ll see if we’re a good fit to start working together!
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
How so many people focus on their limitations instead of arguing for possibility.
Why arguing for your limitations isn’t as honest and realistic as you might think.
What it looks like to argue for your possibilities instead of your limitations.
How recognizing the possibilities doesn’t mean you’ll achieve them right away, but it will show you what’s available for you to achieve and give you ideas on how to do it.
Why we spend more time imagining negative unlikely scenarios than positive ones.
How to start arguing for your possibilities and start building a life and career that’s satisfying AF.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about how to argue for your possibilities instead of arguing for your limitations.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey, y'all. Happy, happy Wednesday. I'm excited to be talking to y'all. I am feeling a little bit low energy, but I'm also feeling really good, if that makes sense. Life is a paradox, right?
So Alex and I went out of town the last two weekends. Two weekends ago, we went up to Seattle for a wedding. Last weekend we went to Mendocino, which is on the coast of California. And honestly, part of the reason we took that trip, Alex has been trying to take me to big trees since we moved to California. But also I saw a TikTok where someone was like, “Look at this hike, it's in Mendocino.” And the hike looked beautiful, and I was like, “I want to go there.”
Which is actually, ooh, I wasn't even going to tell y’all about this. But that reminds me of something I think will be useful for y'all, which is it turns out I like hiking. And a lot of people already knew this about me. A lot of people knew this about me before I knew it about myself because for a long time I've kind of identified as someone who doesn't like hiking.
I was like, no, no, I love nature, and I love trees, and I love trails, and I love moss, and I like waterfalls. But I don't like hiking, I don't like carrying things, I don't want to have to carry my backpack, I don't have to carry a lunch and a water. And I don't want to have to drive three hours to go on a nature walk.
When I lived in Seattle I would always go to this place called Seward Park, which is this really beautiful park, but it was like five minutes from my house. And the trail that I loved I could do in like 45 minutes so I didn't have to bring water or snacks, I could just leave my water in the car and then do the hike and then drink it when I got back.
And before that I loved this other place in Seattle called the Arboretum, which is also just like great, beautiful trails in nature, but pretty curated nature at the Arboretum. Seward Park is a little, like, it's got trails, but it's a little less curated feeling, I think, on the trails. Anyways, that's neither here nor there.
The thing is, one, we can and do change as people all the time and what we like changes. But sometimes we have these ways that like we build identities around something, and it will sort of determine then what we try and do in our lives and what we don't try to do. So I knew so many people in Seattle who loved hiking and I was never wanting to go because I was always like, no, I don't like that.
And then I saw that TikTok with the hike but in my brain I was like, “This is a nature trail.” I was like translating in my head because I knew I have a negative reaction against the word hike. And part of that is also because I went on a hike early in my Seattle days where I wasn't wearing the right footwear. And people tried to tell me I wasn't wearing the right footwear and I just was young and was like, I wasn't that young, but I was younger, and I was like, “No, it'll be fine.”
Readers, it was not fine. It was misery and then I didn't go hiking again after that because I had that bad experience. And then I had to like slowly warm back up to it and realize that actually I do like hiking.
So anyways, fast forward to this past weekend in Mendocino and there were a couple of different walks available, and Alex and I went on a few of them. And I was like, no, this isn't like the feeling I want. First we went to the cliffs and looked at the water. And that's beautiful, but that's not what I want from a nature walk. I like to be under trees. Like I want trees to go together above my head. I want a bunch of ferns. It's like a very specific hankering that I get.
And so the second one we did, it was like a big broad road, and it was kind of too open. I wasn't like in the trees enough. And then finally the third one we did, it was a trail like what I like but it was a hardcore hike. It was six and a half miles round trip, which I know isn't long for some people. But for me and my knee that's been recovering from hurting earlier this spring, that was kind of on the longer side.
I normally only do like 10,000 steps a day, so we ended up doing like 20,000 steps that day. And also it was like a lot of elevation like up and down. And so it was like I looked at my phone afterwards and it said like 63 flights of stairs, and I was just like, oh shit. Usually in Sacramento, I get like 10 to 20 and I think I'm a badass with my 10 to 20. So a lot of flights of stairs and it kind of kicked my ass.
And we only brought like one bottle of water on the thing. And quite frankly, if it had been up to me, I probably wouldn't have brought any water because my brain is like still like in that Seward Park thing where I'm like, la la la. Luckily, Alex was like, “We need to bring water.” And then we're on the trail and she was like, “We should have brought food.” And I was like, “Oh, this is hiking. We did a hike. We did a six and a half mile round trip hike. This is a hike. I like hiking.”
And it was so obvious, all the clues were there and have been there for an incredibly long time. And there have been many times when friends are like, “Okay, have fun on your hike.” And I'm like, “Don't say the H word. I'm just going on a walk in nature with trees.” But yeah, it's become clear, I like hiking. And that's amazing.
And now that I've realized I like it and I can see what a block it was that I had this story about hiking, and like these negative experiences, it's opening so much more freedom in my life. Because in Seattle, like I said, I could drive five minutes to Seward Park and get that nature walk that I liked and I didn't even have to call it a hike, I could just call it a nature walk.
But now there's nothing like that around Sacramento, so if I want that experience I have to go places. Like I have to go to Mendocino. We didn't drive just for the hike, we stayed there for a few days and had amazing food and wine and it was great and looked at the ocean and enjoyed the cooler temperatures.
But generally, I need to realize that what I like is hiking and then research and plan for that and go on trips to places where I can do that and find ways to make it enjoyable for myself if that's the experience I'm craving. So yeah, I wasn't even planning to tell you all about that. But I think it's really relevant for your lives and careers because there might be things you're like, oh, well, I'm just the kind of person who this, or I'm just not the kind of person who that.
And that was my story for a long time. I was like, oh, no, I like taking long walks and I like being in nature, but I don't like hiking. And what if I do? What if I'm wrong about myself in a really delicious way, in a really spectacular way? What if I'm wrong about myself and it doesn't have to be something to feel terrible about or to be ashamed of? What if it's something that can be amazing and add so much joy to my life when I realize that I was wrong about it?
Because that's what it is for me. Not every time, but this time. Yeah, so that's what happened, and it was just really, really incredible to get to be out in that nature. And we saw a waterfall, which is also why we went for six and a half miles. I would have probably turned around a little bit earlier, but I was like, “There's a waterfall, I want to see it.” And I did and it was beautiful.
Okay, so that's not even what we're talking about today. But that's just like a mini lesson. What we're going to talk about today is actually pretty straightforward. And I think I first heard this idea from Kara Loewentheil, who as you all know is one of my mentors and teachers of the Unfuck Your Brain podcast. Which is a great podcast, y'all should check that out.
She also has a small group program called the Clutch, which is great. I'm a member of it and I used to be a coach in it. And it is just a great way to engage in coaching if you're interested in being part of a really, like a big group. It's a very big group program. But great resources, she's a great teacher.
But anyways, on a coaching call like a million years ago she was talking to somebody about the idea like, do you want to argue for your limits? Or do you want to argue for your possibilities? And I love this question and I love the way it can show us what we're doing in our lives.
So often people are arguing for their limits. They're telling themselves why they can't have something, why they can't do something, why it has to be the way it's always been. And they're like telling themselves that and they're like, well this is being realistic, or this is being honest, or this is just the way it is. And they don't even realize that, like I would argue it's not realistic because the human brain has that negativity bias.
That bias towards negative information. That bias towards perceived threats. That bias towards what could go wrong. I think a lot of times when we think we're being factual with ourselves, we're actually wedged into that negativity and we're looking at things through a negative lens.
We're looking at things through a lens of scarcity. We're looking at things through a lens of trying to protect ourselves from potential bad outcomes. We're looking through trying to protect ourselves from potentially being rejected, et cetera, et cetera, and we're focusing on our limitations.
We're focusing on the reason something wouldn't work or would be hard or is dangerous. And whether that's like real danger or emotional danger, or for a lot of us when we think something's dangerous, what we actually mean is like I might be mean to myself, or I might be embarrassed. I'm not actually talking about like, real physical danger. Although that's a thing sometimes we face as well.
Whereas arguing for your possibilities is about looking at how could it work? What could be possible for me? What if I could do it? What if I could figure it out? What if it could be different than it's always been, even if it's always been this way that I don't want it to be anymore?
And so, here's how this can look in career, sometimes people want to industry hop. They want to do a job they've never done before. They want to leave a company they've been with for a long time. They want to try having a conversation with their supervisor in a different way. They want to ask for something that's currently not generally done in their organization at work.
And a lot of people, like if I'm coaching them, or if they're just talking to themselves, like thinking it through inside their own head. A lot of people will look at like, but it won't work because of this. Or it probably won't work because of that. Or my boss didn’t like it last time I asked for this. Or like well I've never done that job before so what if I'm not good at it? Or like it probably won't work.
Versus arguing for our possibilities. And to argue for your possibility is to take your big, beautiful brain with its capacity to think of interesting scenarios, and use it for you instead of using it against you.
I heard another coach, I think it was Elizabeth Salazar, one time say we spend a lot of time thinking about things like what if the neighbor's house catches on fire and then our house catches on fire from the neighbor's house?
We spend so much more time imagining unlikely scenarios like that than we do imagining the unlikely scenario of how we could launch a successful side hustle, or how we could get a great promotion, or how we could really get a great job and succeed in an industry we've never worked in.
So often we're letting our brains sort of like run wild. And listen, I like letting things run wild. But with the brain, when you let the brain run wild with that negativity bias and all the socialization we have, a lot of times the places it runs wild to are going to be your limitations. They're going to be why you can't do it. They're going to be why you should just keep your life small. They’re are going to be these things that are not going to help you build a satisfying as fuck life and career.
Whereas arguing for your possibilities is going to, listen, I'm going to be real with y'all, it might not work on the first try. You might be like, I'm arguing for my possibilities and the first thing you interview for, you might bomb that interview. You might be arguing for your possibilities and be launching a side hustle and the first 25 people you pitch to be clients might say no. It might even be worse than them saying no, they might laugh, they might scoff.
Listen, I'm not saying no real negative things happen. A little bit we do say that in coaching. But what I mean here is I'm not saying when we argue for our possibilities that everything will go well on every single try and it will be delightful. We will probably fail and fuck up a lot. And when we argue for our possibilities and we're willing to believe we could do it and we're willing to feel those negative feelings and go through those difficult experiences and keep going, so much more is available to us.
And I personally just think it's more interesting and more exciting. You can sit around thinking about like, you know, you have the limitations, and you have to stay inside them. And that just keeps your life, I don't know, I think personally kind of small and boring. Not that you can't choose that. A bigger life isn't necessarily a better life, right? Like we talk about all the time, your satisfying as fuck life and my satisfying as fuck life might look super different from each other.
But my point is, what if you argue for your possibilities and then try for them and see what can happen? And that can be really fun and interesting even if it doesn't all work the way we'd like it to. And I think you're going to get a lot further towards those possibilities.
An example I used one time is someone was like, “Well, what if I convince myself to believe it's possible that I can make a million dollars and then I don't?” And I'm like, “Okay, but what if you don't? But what if right now you're making 100K and when you convince yourself to believe you could make a million, then you make 750K? That's still a lot more than 100,000 even if you never make it to that possibility you've imagined for yourself.”
To say that a little bit more straightforwardly, when we argue for our limitations we get to keep them, then we have to live inside of them. And when I say have to I really mean we're forcing ourselves to live inside of them and acting like that's just happening to us.
Whereas when we argue for our possibilities we maybe aren't going to 100% achieve all of them right away, but much more will be available to us. And we'll find out what we can achieve, and we'll find out what it's going to take. And we'll get more learning, we'll get more knowledge, we’ll get more information that we can apply. And there may be some stuff that we are working on for a long time and we never actually achieve. But we get to go on the interesting and wonderful journey of trying.
Okay, so to review, arguing for your limits is exactly what it sounds like. It's like you're a lawyer and you're lawyering for the side of why we can't. Why we need to be limited. Why we should be limited. Why we have to be limited. Why we shouldn't be, but we are limited. All of those things would be like you're on the, like I want you to imagine an actual courtroom and you're the lawyer arguing for why it's not possible and why we have to keep these limits.
And then arguing for possibility is like being the opposite lawyer, where you’re arguing for, not that it's true or that it will happen or that it's definitely available. Just that it's possible. Just that maybe, maybe, maybe you could have what you want, whatever it is.
Whether it's a job in a different industry. Whether it's a different work schedule. Whether it's a different agreement with your significant other about household chores. Whether it's changing some kind of dynamic in your home life and your family structure or like how you relate to your kids.
One is arguing for the limitations you are currently experiencing and believe are maybe the only way of doing things. And the other one is just arguing that a different way as possible and that you could maybe have it.
I want you to imagine like a little kid who has a big goal. If every day you told that little kid, “You can't do that, you can't do that. You can't do that, that won't work. You can't do that, that won't work.” Some little kids would still figure out a will and a way and they would make their thing happen. But I think a lot of little kids would get worn down and they would feel defeated, and they probably wouldn't try.
Whereas if you had a little kid and you told them every day like, “Maybe you can. Maybe you can figure that out. I'm not saying it'll necessarily just happen and fall out of the sky, but yeah, maybe you can. What if you could though? What if you could figure out? How could you maybe try something? What could we try first? What would be an interesting way to try and get more of that thing that you want?”
That kid, you know, there could still be a kid in that scenario where they feel defeated and don't do anything, that's totally possible. But I think if we were talking like that to a child every day, they'd be more willing to at least explore and be curious and kind of see about it.
And I think that's us, right? Like we're the kid in this metaphor. And I know you're not a kid, I'm not a kid. But the way that people talk to us matters. But a lot of us are looking at the actual people in our lives, like trying to get them to talk to us the way we want someone to. But guess who talks to you the most of all? It's you. It's you.
You are the one talking all the time to you. The actual you, the you as the imagined child in this scenario. You're the one who talks the most to that person, so how do you want to talk to that person? I'm going to invite you to consider that it can be fun, and delightful, and effective, and useful to argue for your possibilities.
And, as always, praise the shit out of yourself too. Argue for your possibilities. Try some stuff out, test and learn, evaluate, see how it goes, course correct. And then praise the shit out of yourself because a lot of people just stick with their limitations. They don't argue for their possibilities at all. They don't try anything. They just stay in the life that maybe they kind of like, maybe it's mediocre, maybe they don't like it at all. Maybe it's pretty great, but there's just something else out there they’re craving.
A lot of people don't argue for their possibilities. And there's nothing wrong with those people. But you could be someone who does and that could be super fun.
All right, that's what I have for y'all. I'm so excited to see what happens in your lives and careers when you argue to yourself, and maybe to others, for your possibilities and see what shifts, big and small, you make when you do that.
And listen, if you want to come hang out with someone who's going to argue hardcore for your possibilities all the time, sign up for a consult with me. Let's spend 50 minutes together talking about your possibilities and if it seems like a good fit, you can be my client and we can spend six months talking about it.
That's what I have for y'all today. Have a wonderful week, I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey, y'all. Happy, happy Wednesday. I'm excited to be talking to y'all. I am feeling a little bit low energy, but I'm also feeling really good, if that makes sense. Life is a paradox, right?
So Alex and I went out of town the last two weekends. Two weekends ago, we went up to Seattle for a wedding. Last weekend we went to Mendocino, which is on the coast of California. And honestly, part of the reason we took that trip, Alex has been trying to take me to big trees since we moved to California. But also I saw a TikTok where someone was like, “Look at this hike, it's in Mendocino.” And the hike looked beautiful, and I was like, “I want to go there.”
Which is actually, ooh, I wasn't even going to tell y’all about this. But that reminds me of something I think will be useful for y'all, which is it turns out I like hiking. And a lot of people already knew this about me. A lot of people knew this about me before I knew it about myself because for a long time I've kind of identified as someone who doesn't like hiking.
I was like, no, no, I love nature, and I love trees, and I love trails, and I love moss, and I like waterfalls. But I don't like hiking, I don't like carrying things, I don't want to have to carry my backpack, I don't have to carry a lunch and a water. And I don't want to have to drive three hours to go on a nature walk.
When I lived in Seattle I would always go to this place called Seward Park, which is this really beautiful park, but it was like five minutes from my house. And the trail that I loved I could do in like 45 minutes so I didn't have to bring water or snacks, I could just leave my water in the car and then do the hike and then drink it when I got back.
And before that I loved this other place in Seattle called the Arboretum, which is also just like great, beautiful trails in nature, but pretty curated nature at the Arboretum. Seward Park is a little, like, it's got trails, but it's a little less curated feeling, I think, on the trails. Anyways, that's neither here nor there.
The thing is, one, we can and do change as people all the time and what we like changes. But sometimes we have these ways that like we build identities around something, and it will sort of determine then what we try and do in our lives and what we don't try to do. So I knew so many people in Seattle who loved hiking and I was never wanting to go because I was always like, no, I don't like that.
And then I saw that TikTok with the hike but in my brain I was like, “This is a nature trail.” I was like translating in my head because I knew I have a negative reaction against the word hike. And part of that is also because I went on a hike early in my Seattle days where I wasn't wearing the right footwear. And people tried to tell me I wasn't wearing the right footwear and I just was young and was like, I wasn't that young, but I was younger, and I was like, “No, it'll be fine.”
Readers, it was not fine. It was misery and then I didn't go hiking again after that because I had that bad experience. And then I had to like slowly warm back up to it and realize that actually I do like hiking.
So anyways, fast forward to this past weekend in Mendocino and there were a couple of different walks available, and Alex and I went on a few of them. And I was like, no, this isn't like the feeling I want. First we went to the cliffs and looked at the water. And that's beautiful, but that's not what I want from a nature walk. I like to be under trees. Like I want trees to go together above my head. I want a bunch of ferns. It's like a very specific hankering that I get.
And so the second one we did, it was like a big broad road, and it was kind of too open. I wasn't like in the trees enough. And then finally the third one we did, it was a trail like what I like but it was a hardcore hike. It was six and a half miles round trip, which I know isn't long for some people. But for me and my knee that's been recovering from hurting earlier this spring, that was kind of on the longer side.
I normally only do like 10,000 steps a day, so we ended up doing like 20,000 steps that day. And also it was like a lot of elevation like up and down. And so it was like I looked at my phone afterwards and it said like 63 flights of stairs, and I was just like, oh shit. Usually in Sacramento, I get like 10 to 20 and I think I'm a badass with my 10 to 20. So a lot of flights of stairs and it kind of kicked my ass.
And we only brought like one bottle of water on the thing. And quite frankly, if it had been up to me, I probably wouldn't have brought any water because my brain is like still like in that Seward Park thing where I'm like, la la la. Luckily, Alex was like, “We need to bring water.” And then we're on the trail and she was like, “We should have brought food.” And I was like, “Oh, this is hiking. We did a hike. We did a six and a half mile round trip hike. This is a hike. I like hiking.”
And it was so obvious, all the clues were there and have been there for an incredibly long time. And there have been many times when friends are like, “Okay, have fun on your hike.” And I'm like, “Don't say the H word. I'm just going on a walk in nature with trees.” But yeah, it's become clear, I like hiking. And that's amazing.
And now that I've realized I like it and I can see what a block it was that I had this story about hiking, and like these negative experiences, it's opening so much more freedom in my life. Because in Seattle, like I said, I could drive five minutes to Seward Park and get that nature walk that I liked and I didn't even have to call it a hike, I could just call it a nature walk.
But now there's nothing like that around Sacramento, so if I want that experience I have to go places. Like I have to go to Mendocino. We didn't drive just for the hike, we stayed there for a few days and had amazing food and wine and it was great and looked at the ocean and enjoyed the cooler temperatures.
But generally, I need to realize that what I like is hiking and then research and plan for that and go on trips to places where I can do that and find ways to make it enjoyable for myself if that's the experience I'm craving. So yeah, I wasn't even planning to tell you all about that. But I think it's really relevant for your lives and careers because there might be things you're like, oh, well, I'm just the kind of person who this, or I'm just not the kind of person who that.
And that was my story for a long time. I was like, oh, no, I like taking long walks and I like being in nature, but I don't like hiking. And what if I do? What if I'm wrong about myself in a really delicious way, in a really spectacular way? What if I'm wrong about myself and it doesn't have to be something to feel terrible about or to be ashamed of? What if it's something that can be amazing and add so much joy to my life when I realize that I was wrong about it?
Because that's what it is for me. Not every time, but this time. Yeah, so that's what happened, and it was just really, really incredible to get to be out in that nature. And we saw a waterfall, which is also why we went for six and a half miles. I would have probably turned around a little bit earlier, but I was like, “There's a waterfall, I want to see it.” And I did and it was beautiful.
Okay, so that's not even what we're talking about today. But that's just like a mini lesson. What we're going to talk about today is actually pretty straightforward. And I think I first heard this idea from Kara Loewentheil, who as you all know is one of my mentors and teachers of the Unfuck Your Brain podcast. Which is a great podcast, y'all should check that out.
She also has a small group program called the Clutch, which is great. I'm a member of it and I used to be a coach in it. And it is just a great way to engage in coaching if you're interested in being part of a really, like a big group. It's a very big group program. But great resources, she's a great teacher.
But anyways, on a coaching call like a million years ago she was talking to somebody about the idea like, do you want to argue for your limits? Or do you want to argue for your possibilities? And I love this question and I love the way it can show us what we're doing in our lives.
So often people are arguing for their limits. They're telling themselves why they can't have something, why they can't do something, why it has to be the way it's always been. And they're like telling themselves that and they're like, well this is being realistic, or this is being honest, or this is just the way it is. And they don't even realize that, like I would argue it's not realistic because the human brain has that negativity bias.
That bias towards negative information. That bias towards perceived threats. That bias towards what could go wrong. I think a lot of times when we think we're being factual with ourselves, we're actually wedged into that negativity and we're looking at things through a negative lens.
We're looking at things through a lens of scarcity. We're looking at things through a lens of trying to protect ourselves from potential bad outcomes. We're looking through trying to protect ourselves from potentially being rejected, et cetera, et cetera, and we're focusing on our limitations.
We're focusing on the reason something wouldn't work or would be hard or is dangerous. And whether that's like real danger or emotional danger, or for a lot of us when we think something's dangerous, what we actually mean is like I might be mean to myself, or I might be embarrassed. I'm not actually talking about like, real physical danger. Although that's a thing sometimes we face as well.
Whereas arguing for your possibilities is about looking at how could it work? What could be possible for me? What if I could do it? What if I could figure it out? What if it could be different than it's always been, even if it's always been this way that I don't want it to be anymore?
And so, here's how this can look in career, sometimes people want to industry hop. They want to do a job they've never done before. They want to leave a company they've been with for a long time. They want to try having a conversation with their supervisor in a different way. They want to ask for something that's currently not generally done in their organization at work.
And a lot of people, like if I'm coaching them, or if they're just talking to themselves, like thinking it through inside their own head. A lot of people will look at like, but it won't work because of this. Or it probably won't work because of that. Or my boss didn’t like it last time I asked for this. Or like well I've never done that job before so what if I'm not good at it? Or like it probably won't work.
Versus arguing for our possibilities. And to argue for your possibility is to take your big, beautiful brain with its capacity to think of interesting scenarios, and use it for you instead of using it against you.
I heard another coach, I think it was Elizabeth Salazar, one time say we spend a lot of time thinking about things like what if the neighbor's house catches on fire and then our house catches on fire from the neighbor's house?
We spend so much more time imagining unlikely scenarios like that than we do imagining the unlikely scenario of how we could launch a successful side hustle, or how we could get a great promotion, or how we could really get a great job and succeed in an industry we've never worked in.
So often we're letting our brains sort of like run wild. And listen, I like letting things run wild. But with the brain, when you let the brain run wild with that negativity bias and all the socialization we have, a lot of times the places it runs wild to are going to be your limitations. They're going to be why you can't do it. They're going to be why you should just keep your life small. They’re are going to be these things that are not going to help you build a satisfying as fuck life and career.
Whereas arguing for your possibilities is going to, listen, I'm going to be real with y'all, it might not work on the first try. You might be like, I'm arguing for my possibilities and the first thing you interview for, you might bomb that interview. You might be arguing for your possibilities and be launching a side hustle and the first 25 people you pitch to be clients might say no. It might even be worse than them saying no, they might laugh, they might scoff.
Listen, I'm not saying no real negative things happen. A little bit we do say that in coaching. But what I mean here is I'm not saying when we argue for our possibilities that everything will go well on every single try and it will be delightful. We will probably fail and fuck up a lot. And when we argue for our possibilities and we're willing to believe we could do it and we're willing to feel those negative feelings and go through those difficult experiences and keep going, so much more is available to us.
And I personally just think it's more interesting and more exciting. You can sit around thinking about like, you know, you have the limitations, and you have to stay inside them. And that just keeps your life, I don't know, I think personally kind of small and boring. Not that you can't choose that. A bigger life isn't necessarily a better life, right? Like we talk about all the time, your satisfying as fuck life and my satisfying as fuck life might look super different from each other.
But my point is, what if you argue for your possibilities and then try for them and see what can happen? And that can be really fun and interesting even if it doesn't all work the way we'd like it to. And I think you're going to get a lot further towards those possibilities.
An example I used one time is someone was like, “Well, what if I convince myself to believe it's possible that I can make a million dollars and then I don't?” And I'm like, “Okay, but what if you don't? But what if right now you're making 100K and when you convince yourself to believe you could make a million, then you make 750K? That's still a lot more than 100,000 even if you never make it to that possibility you've imagined for yourself.”
To say that a little bit more straightforwardly, when we argue for our limitations we get to keep them, then we have to live inside of them. And when I say have to I really mean we're forcing ourselves to live inside of them and acting like that's just happening to us.
Whereas when we argue for our possibilities we maybe aren't going to 100% achieve all of them right away, but much more will be available to us. And we'll find out what we can achieve, and we'll find out what it's going to take. And we'll get more learning, we'll get more knowledge, we’ll get more information that we can apply. And there may be some stuff that we are working on for a long time and we never actually achieve. But we get to go on the interesting and wonderful journey of trying.
Okay, so to review, arguing for your limits is exactly what it sounds like. It's like you're a lawyer and you're lawyering for the side of why we can't. Why we need to be limited. Why we should be limited. Why we have to be limited. Why we shouldn't be, but we are limited. All of those things would be like you're on the, like I want you to imagine an actual courtroom and you're the lawyer arguing for why it's not possible and why we have to keep these limits.
And then arguing for possibility is like being the opposite lawyer, where you’re arguing for, not that it's true or that it will happen or that it's definitely available. Just that it's possible. Just that maybe, maybe, maybe you could have what you want, whatever it is.
Whether it's a job in a different industry. Whether it's a different work schedule. Whether it's a different agreement with your significant other about household chores. Whether it's changing some kind of dynamic in your home life and your family structure or like how you relate to your kids.
One is arguing for the limitations you are currently experiencing and believe are maybe the only way of doing things. And the other one is just arguing that a different way as possible and that you could maybe have it.
I want you to imagine like a little kid who has a big goal. If every day you told that little kid, “You can't do that, you can't do that. You can't do that, that won't work. You can't do that, that won't work.” Some little kids would still figure out a will and a way and they would make their thing happen. But I think a lot of little kids would get worn down and they would feel defeated, and they probably wouldn't try.
Whereas if you had a little kid and you told them every day like, “Maybe you can. Maybe you can figure that out. I'm not saying it'll necessarily just happen and fall out of the sky, but yeah, maybe you can. What if you could though? What if you could figure out? How could you maybe try something? What could we try first? What would be an interesting way to try and get more of that thing that you want?”
That kid, you know, there could still be a kid in that scenario where they feel defeated and don't do anything, that's totally possible. But I think if we were talking like that to a child every day, they'd be more willing to at least explore and be curious and kind of see about it.
And I think that's us, right? Like we're the kid in this metaphor. And I know you're not a kid, I'm not a kid. But the way that people talk to us matters. But a lot of us are looking at the actual people in our lives, like trying to get them to talk to us the way we want someone to. But guess who talks to you the most of all? It's you. It's you.
You are the one talking all the time to you. The actual you, the you as the imagined child in this scenario. You're the one who talks the most to that person, so how do you want to talk to that person? I'm going to invite you to consider that it can be fun, and delightful, and effective, and useful to argue for your possibilities.
And, as always, praise the shit out of yourself too. Argue for your possibilities. Try some stuff out, test and learn, evaluate, see how it goes, course correct. And then praise the shit out of yourself because a lot of people just stick with their limitations. They don't argue for their possibilities at all. They don't try anything. They just stay in the life that maybe they kind of like, maybe it's mediocre, maybe they don't like it at all. Maybe it's pretty great, but there's just something else out there they’re craving.
A lot of people don't argue for their possibilities. And there's nothing wrong with those people. But you could be someone who does and that could be super fun.
All right, that's what I have for y'all. I'm so excited to see what happens in your lives and careers when you argue to yourself, and maybe to others, for your possibilities and see what shifts, big and small, you make when you do that.
And listen, if you want to come hang out with someone who's going to argue hardcore for your possibilities all the time, sign up for a consult with me. Let's spend 50 minutes together talking about your possibilities and if it seems like a good fit, you can be my client and we can spend six months talking about it.
That's what I have for y'all today. Have a wonderful week, I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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