152. When Things We’re Afraid of Happen
What keeps you up at night?
What worries does your brain play over and over again, no matter how unlikely?
What worst case scenario haunts you, day in and day out?
Going out of business?
Getting fired?
Finding out your significant other has been unfaithful?
It would be wonderful if things like this never happened.
But, unfortunately, sometimes they do happen.
Sometimes that worst case scenario becomes your actual life.
Sometimes it’s worse than the worst case scenario, some real-life nightmare you didn’t even know was possible.
No matter how much you try to protect yourself, sometimes life hands you the hard stuff.
The good news is that it’s not game over when this happens.
There are things you can do to prepare for situations like this.
You can set yourself up to weather the hardships, but not in the way you might think.
It has less to do with the precautions you take and more to do with building a kind, loving relationship with yourself.
This is what I’m teaching in this week’s podcast.
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
Why your worst fears happening doesn’t have to destroy you.
The power of building a loving relationship with yourself.
How to set yourself up for success if something you’re afraid of happens.
Why developing kinder self-talk matters.
The skills you need to navigate your worst fears happening.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about when your worst fears happen.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday, happy fall. I don’t know about you, it’s still really warm where I am, as of the recording of this podcast. Maybe by the time it comes out we’ll be seeing some chillier weather. But probably not because I live in Sacramento where it can stay pretty hot through September.
But either way, the spooky season is starting. And this week, we’re talking about spooky things, even if they’re not spooky in the same way. We’re not talking about ghosties and things like that. But we are talking about when things that we’re afraid of actually happen in our real lives. And I think it’s an important thing to talk about.
Part of what inspired this episode is I actually have a client who went through a bankruptcy recently. And for this client in particular, as for many people, bankruptcy was something that they’d been scared of for a really long time. This client is a business owner and has been in business for a long time, I think over a decade.
And being in business is hard, y’all. I love having my own business and it’s really fun and delightful. And also, it can be really challenging, especially figuring out the financial side of things and how to make money and keep the business solvent. Especially if you have a team working under you, stuff like that, or other big costs, big recurring or one time costs.
And so, like I said, this client had been afraid of bankruptcy for a long time. And then it actually happened. And this might seem like a strange thing for me to be telling you about because often coaches talk about all the amazing things that their clients have and do and are and succeed and achieve and all that. And I love to talk about that too. And I love to coach you all on your goals and to help you achieve big things that blow your mind and delight you.
And also sometimes in life, the thing that we’re super afraid of happens. And that doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong, even though it can really feel like something has gone wrong.
So for this client in particular, we coached together for a long time. I think two and a half years. And we coached on their business, we coached on managing their team members, we coached on the finances of the business. We also coached on gender and sexuality and relationships and family and all kinds of stuff.
But even with the coaching, the business as it had been in its iteration, it wasn’t working. And that happens sometimes. So I want to be really clear, when people come in and hire a coach, it doesn’t mean everything goes magically or perfectly. Coaching is a set of tools that a coach applies and the client applies to the situations. And also sometimes the thing that happens, it’s not like the business succeeding, right, as in this example.
But I think it’s still an incredible and inspiring win because what did happen for this client is that this thing that they had been so afraid of, going through a bankruptcy, it did happen. And they actually had a really good experience of it. And I think that is the coaching win there.
Before working together, bankruptcy had kind of been this thing that the client thought would end them. Would ruin their lives, would be a dumpster fire emotionally, would just be too upsetting and a sign that they were a failure, et cetera, all these things.
And they were able to actually have a really calm and easeful and really wonderful experience of going through bankruptcy. And they were able to do it while being kind to themselves and loving themselves and not beating themselves up about what happened. And I think that is so powerful.
And I wanted to share this with you because I do think so often the kind of results that are shared from people who coach are kind of like the big wins, right? They’re things like making a lot more money, leaving your day job, having a really improved relationship with your significant other, launching a side hustle, paying off all your debt.
And coaching can be a great tool for all of those things. And also, it can be so much more than that, right? And I think one of the best things that coaching can give a person is a better relationship with themselves. A relationship with yourself where you can be with yourself lovingly through super hard things, like going through a bankruptcy.
And when I think about this client, I’m so excited for them because I think the rest of their life is going to be so wonderful because of this skill set that they developed when we worked together. And yeah, if I could have waved a magic wand and made their business work out financially so they wouldn’t have to go through a bankruptcy, maybe I would have done that if that was in my abilities. It’s not though.
And here’s the thing, I don’t actually know that that would have been better. I don’t know that it would have been better for that client to keep that old business and keep it running and keep trying to make it work, versus to go through a bankruptcy to let it all go away and then to get to move forward. And honestly, to get to move forward with a relationship of self-love that is so, so solid.
I can’t even think of a way to explain it. Like to be able to go through something that was your biggest fear and to go through it with love and kindness for yourself, and the belief that you’re going to figure it out, I feel like that makes this client really unstoppable no matter what they want to do next.
And I think another thing to say here is that sometimes the things that we want, just aren’t going to work out. It sucks to say that, but I do think sometimes we get in our head like, this is what I want, this is what success is. And for whatever reason, life being what it is, it doesn’t work.
I had this happen a long time ago before I worked at Expedia, where there was this little company in Seattle and I really wanted to work for them. And I got it in my head that I was going to work for them and they were going to be like my next job. And I dreamed about it and made an effort and did informational interviews and did actual interviews. And I was very focused. And it never happened, I never worked there. I really wanted to but it didn’t work out, even with all the effort that I put in.
But then I got this other job at Expedia, which wasn’t the job I was really trying to get. When the recruiter sent me the description for the job at Expedia I didn’t even understand what it meant, quite frankly. And I was not convinced it was a good match for my skill set. And I had to get on the phone with the recruiter who was like, actually, it is a good match for your skill set, it’s just written in this corporate language, that I personally didn’t understand.
Anyways, it wasn’t the thing I was trying to go for, right? But it turned out to be a really great fit for me for several years. And it taught me so much that I still use. And I met all these wonderful people that I still am in touch with. And then even before that, the thing that happened that catapulted me into that was I got laid off.
So sometimes something happens that you were really afraid of, but we didn’t even think about it to be afraid of it in advance. And that’s how getting laid off was for me. And then I was really afraid afterwards of being laid off again, which I wasn’t. But I still had all those experiences of that fear, which were really unpleasant, right?
Okay, so basically, what I’m trying to say, though, is that no matter how much you do, and no matter how many tools you learn and how many ways you put yourself out there, and how much action you take, and how much you try to protect yourself from the thing you’re afraid of, it could still happen. And I’m really sorry about that.
And also, even if it does happen, it doesn’t have to end you. It doesn’t have to destroy you. It doesn’t mean your life is over. It doesn’t mean your career is over. And I think building a relationship with yourself that’s really loving and really powerful is one of the best ways to set yourself up for success if something you’re deeply afraid of does come to pass.
Through all the work I did with my client, like I said, we worked together for over two years, we coached on so many different topics. And a lot of what we coached on across all of those topics was figuring out who the client wanted to be, and then figuring out how to show up in that way and what that looked like externally and how that client interacted with other people. And also what it looked like internally and how the client interacted with themselves.
I’ve coached a lot of people and a lot of the coaching is about how people interact internally with themselves. A lot of people have really negative self-talk that’s mean and kind of abusive. It often involves name calling. It often involves belittling. And one of the things I work on with clients is developing kinder self-talk, right?
So that’s that internal, right, how we talk to ourselves. And that’s such an important thing if something you really fear comes to pass because oftentimes, like if something we really fear happens, there’s the thing we have to deal with in the external world. But usually one of the harder parts is actually the way we talk to and treat ourselves about that thing happening. It often has a lot of like you’re a failure, and also a lot of like you should have known better.
And the thing is, in this life, in this world, shit just happened sometimes, right? And sometimes we try really hard and it isn’t a good fit, it just doesn’t work out. But what we make that mean and how we explain that to ourselves and how we talk to ourselves about that, that is actually something you do have control over. And that is going to be the thing that’s going to create the texture of your reality in that situation.
And when I say it’s going to create the texture of your reality, I mean, it’s going to be what creates the emotionality about the thing, right? Now, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to be sad. It doesn’t mean we’re not going to be angry. I’m not at all suggesting not to have negative emotions.
I think negative emotions are a normal part of being a human. I think they’re good and important and beautiful. But there’s like, I’m having negative emotions like I’m sad because this didn’t work out. And then there’s, I’m beating myself up about that, like, I’m telling myself I’m a piece of shit because this didn’t work out. Those are two separate things.
I think it’s important to navigate the full spectrum of human emotion. I don’t think it’s ever necessary to criticize and belittle yourself. Now, again, like fine lines here, right? It can be really valuable to look at if you did some actions that led to things not working out. It’s good to be mindful of those. It’s good to assess that. It’s good to be able to evaluate how you showed up and how that is related to the outcome.
But the judgment and criticism and shame and belittling, none of that’s necessary, right? It’s the difference between saying, “Oh, I said I would, complete that report on Friday and I didn’t complete it until the next Wednesday,” that’s the facts of the situation. And then belittling would be like, “Oh, I’m terrible because I didn’t do that on time,” right? So you can see the difference there.
Okay, so all of this is to say, sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes the things we’re afraid of, the exact things we’re afraid of happen. Sometimes things we didn’t even know to be afraid of, or we sort of knew could happen but never thought about them happening to us, sometimes those things happen. Like when I got laid off, and it hadn’t really been something I’d been concerned about. And then I was in it and I was dealing with it.
Sometimes those things happen, and I kind of wish they wouldn’t. I also can’t say that they shouldn’t, right? I don’t really know. Sometimes things happen that we wish wouldn’t happen. Sometimes our worst fear comes to pass. Sometimes something that we didn’t know to fear, like me with my layoff, sometimes that comes to pass. Sometimes things we really don’t want happen.
And once that does, then I think the question is, how do we navigate that? And what I would offer is, that’s an opportunity for you to love yourself through the challenge. But for a lot of us, we don’t have that skill set. We don’t know how to love ourselves through things. And I’m so grateful that for my client, we had coached together for quite some time before they went through the bankruptcy.
And so they had a really strong foundation. And they’ve said this, too. They’ve said how powerful the coaching with me was to help them going through that. And we didn’t coach together about that, knowing it would happen. We coached about a lot of different things and then we laid the groundwork for that client in how they think about themselves, how they interact with themselves and how they interact with the world and the things that happen in it. And we made that groundwork very powerful for them.
And then when it happened, that they made the choice that that was the thing that made the most sense for them in their business, they were able to do that. They were able to walk directly towards the thing that used to terrify them, because they knew they could handle it. They knew it didn’t mean anything bad about them. They knew they could love themselves through it. And they knew that they could put the pieces back together on the other side of that.
And that’s what I wish for you. I would love it if everything in your life just worked out and nothing scary happened and it all just came together beautifully. I would love that for you. And that’s not something any of us are guaranteed.
And I see so many people laying awake at night not sleeping because they’re ruminating on the things that they think would be really scary if they happened. Or they’re having a hard time being present with their significant other when they’re out to dinner because they’re worrying about what could happen if they get laid off, what could happen if they don’t do a good job on the big presentation, what could happen if they’re not able to patch things up with their boss that they had a fight with.
So often people are not even able to be in their lives because they’re so worried about what they would do and how they would talk to themselves and what would happen if something that they found to be really scary came to pass.
And so what I want to offer with this podcast is, so often people are trying to do things to avoid the thing coming to pass and there’s a time and place for that. But I think it’s also useful to think through like what if it did come to pass? What do I want to be available to me? What kind of ways of showing up for myself do I want to be available to me? What kind of ways of speaking to myself do I want to be available to me?
What kind of relationship do I want to have with myself? What kind of relationship with myself is going to allow me to go through that without making me my own enemy? What kind of skills do I need to be able to navigate something I’m afraid of actually happening? What kind of relationships do I want to establish in my life?
A lot of this podcast has been about what kind of relationship do you need to establish with yourself? But also, humans are social mammals and community is deeply powerful. What kind of relationships do you need to have with other people, or would you like to have with other people to be in place for when things you’re afraid of happen?
What kind of habits could support you if you needed to go through something, or if you happened to go through something that was really challenging?
For me, a lot of what this comes down to is self-love, self-compassion, and self-kindness, self-gentleness. I also talk on the podcast a lot, and with my clients a lot, about the concept of re-parenting. When things happen in my life that are hard for me, whether it’s something I was afraid of or something I never knew to be afraid of, a skill and tool that I use now that I’ve developed in the past few years is re-parenting.
And so I kind of embody with myself both the version of me that’s freaking out, and the version of me who I call Wise Gentle Parent. And I kind of have a conversation between the two of them. I often do this, if I’m going to do it, in writing because then I can write from young Kori. And then I can write from Was Gentle Parent Kori and it makes it easier to keep the two parts distinct.
So that’s a thing that I do. And having that part of me is so helpful. Like if I need to go through or if I happen to be going through something really challenging or something that I thought would be really scary, having Wise Gentle Parent in my corner is so helpful.
But she’s also a relationship I’ve been building. Yes, inside myself, I know the terms are kind of weird. But that’s a relationship I’ve been building inside myself either way. And she also helps me navigate through little teeny things every day. But having that in place is really helpful. And I know it would be very bolstering if something really scary or difficult were to take place.
I also have relationships with professionals. Like I have a coach that I’m working with one on one right now, I’m also in her small groups. I have a therapist. I don’t see her regularly or every week, but I know if something comes up in my life I email her office immediately and I’m like, “I need to get on her calendar.” I have massage professionals.
I have all kinds of people in my corner to help me when I’m navigating difficult things and to help me in all kinds of ways, right? There’s my self-talk. There’s my relationship with myself. There are the professionals I turn to like therapists and coaches. There are professionals I turn to who are going to help me somatically or help my body relax. And there are my friends and loved ones who can also be there for me.
These are all pieces that I have put in place. And I haven’t actually just put them in place in case something I’m really scared of happens, I put them in place because, to me, they’re all part of a gorgeous, well-lived, satisfying as fuck life. But I think it’s one and the same, right?
Often the things we want in our day to day and the things we want if something scary happens are the same things. And to me, it’s powerful relationships and powerful tools that are going to help me navigate through it. And also, again, again, again, to me, it’s powerful self-talk. It’s being able to talk lovingly to myself, even if we’re in a pickle and that pickle needs to get solved.
It’s being able to talk gently to myself, even if something really difficult is going down and even if some of my actions directly led to the really difficult thing going down. I think that’s when we need gentleness, kindness, and self-love the most. But why not have it all the time? Why not have this be a habit?
And then I think what this is also helpful for is in those moments when your brain brings up the thing it’s really afraid of, you can also say, “Yeah, I’m really scared of that and I hope it doesn’t happen. And also here are the things I put in place and I’m going to have your back, even if that comes to pass.” And that can be really comforting, especially if you believe it. Especially if you actually know you are going to have your own back, you’re going to take care of yourself if something that really scares you does come to pass.
And, like I said, you don’t have to do this alone. I have professionals in my life to help me navigate through these things and set the habits and things up so that I can hold myself if those things do come to pass. And I can have a good relationship with myself, even if the scary things never come to pass.
And part of how I do that is with my own coach. And part of how you do that could be with a coach or a therapist as well. And if you think I would be a good fit for you I would love to have a conversation with you about that. You can scoot on over to my website and sign up for a consult call there and we can talk about what it might look like for us to work together. We can talk about the scary things you’re afraid of happening and how we would set you up for success if we were to work together.
All right, that’s what I have for y’all this week. I hope you have a lovely week. And if anything scary happens, I hope you can be really kind to yourself about it. All right, talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday, happy fall. I don’t know about you, it’s still really warm where I am, as of the recording of this podcast. Maybe by the time it comes out we’ll be seeing some chillier weather. But probably not because I live in Sacramento where it can stay pretty hot through September.
But either way, the spooky season is starting. And this week, we’re talking about spooky things, even if they’re not spooky in the same way. We’re not talking about ghosties and things like that. But we are talking about when things that we’re afraid of actually happen in our real lives. And I think it’s an important thing to talk about.
Part of what inspired this episode is I actually have a client who went through a bankruptcy recently. And for this client in particular, as for many people, bankruptcy was something that they’d been scared of for a really long time. This client is a business owner and has been in business for a long time, I think over a decade.
And being in business is hard, y’all. I love having my own business and it’s really fun and delightful. And also, it can be really challenging, especially figuring out the financial side of things and how to make money and keep the business solvent. Especially if you have a team working under you, stuff like that, or other big costs, big recurring or one time costs.
And so, like I said, this client had been afraid of bankruptcy for a long time. And then it actually happened. And this might seem like a strange thing for me to be telling you about because often coaches talk about all the amazing things that their clients have and do and are and succeed and achieve and all that. And I love to talk about that too. And I love to coach you all on your goals and to help you achieve big things that blow your mind and delight you.
And also sometimes in life, the thing that we’re super afraid of happens. And that doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong, even though it can really feel like something has gone wrong.
So for this client in particular, we coached together for a long time. I think two and a half years. And we coached on their business, we coached on managing their team members, we coached on the finances of the business. We also coached on gender and sexuality and relationships and family and all kinds of stuff.
But even with the coaching, the business as it had been in its iteration, it wasn’t working. And that happens sometimes. So I want to be really clear, when people come in and hire a coach, it doesn’t mean everything goes magically or perfectly. Coaching is a set of tools that a coach applies and the client applies to the situations. And also sometimes the thing that happens, it’s not like the business succeeding, right, as in this example.
But I think it’s still an incredible and inspiring win because what did happen for this client is that this thing that they had been so afraid of, going through a bankruptcy, it did happen. And they actually had a really good experience of it. And I think that is the coaching win there.
Before working together, bankruptcy had kind of been this thing that the client thought would end them. Would ruin their lives, would be a dumpster fire emotionally, would just be too upsetting and a sign that they were a failure, et cetera, all these things.
And they were able to actually have a really calm and easeful and really wonderful experience of going through bankruptcy. And they were able to do it while being kind to themselves and loving themselves and not beating themselves up about what happened. And I think that is so powerful.
And I wanted to share this with you because I do think so often the kind of results that are shared from people who coach are kind of like the big wins, right? They’re things like making a lot more money, leaving your day job, having a really improved relationship with your significant other, launching a side hustle, paying off all your debt.
And coaching can be a great tool for all of those things. And also, it can be so much more than that, right? And I think one of the best things that coaching can give a person is a better relationship with themselves. A relationship with yourself where you can be with yourself lovingly through super hard things, like going through a bankruptcy.
And when I think about this client, I’m so excited for them because I think the rest of their life is going to be so wonderful because of this skill set that they developed when we worked together. And yeah, if I could have waved a magic wand and made their business work out financially so they wouldn’t have to go through a bankruptcy, maybe I would have done that if that was in my abilities. It’s not though.
And here’s the thing, I don’t actually know that that would have been better. I don’t know that it would have been better for that client to keep that old business and keep it running and keep trying to make it work, versus to go through a bankruptcy to let it all go away and then to get to move forward. And honestly, to get to move forward with a relationship of self-love that is so, so solid.
I can’t even think of a way to explain it. Like to be able to go through something that was your biggest fear and to go through it with love and kindness for yourself, and the belief that you’re going to figure it out, I feel like that makes this client really unstoppable no matter what they want to do next.
And I think another thing to say here is that sometimes the things that we want, just aren’t going to work out. It sucks to say that, but I do think sometimes we get in our head like, this is what I want, this is what success is. And for whatever reason, life being what it is, it doesn’t work.
I had this happen a long time ago before I worked at Expedia, where there was this little company in Seattle and I really wanted to work for them. And I got it in my head that I was going to work for them and they were going to be like my next job. And I dreamed about it and made an effort and did informational interviews and did actual interviews. And I was very focused. And it never happened, I never worked there. I really wanted to but it didn’t work out, even with all the effort that I put in.
But then I got this other job at Expedia, which wasn’t the job I was really trying to get. When the recruiter sent me the description for the job at Expedia I didn’t even understand what it meant, quite frankly. And I was not convinced it was a good match for my skill set. And I had to get on the phone with the recruiter who was like, actually, it is a good match for your skill set, it’s just written in this corporate language, that I personally didn’t understand.
Anyways, it wasn’t the thing I was trying to go for, right? But it turned out to be a really great fit for me for several years. And it taught me so much that I still use. And I met all these wonderful people that I still am in touch with. And then even before that, the thing that happened that catapulted me into that was I got laid off.
So sometimes something happens that you were really afraid of, but we didn’t even think about it to be afraid of it in advance. And that’s how getting laid off was for me. And then I was really afraid afterwards of being laid off again, which I wasn’t. But I still had all those experiences of that fear, which were really unpleasant, right?
Okay, so basically, what I’m trying to say, though, is that no matter how much you do, and no matter how many tools you learn and how many ways you put yourself out there, and how much action you take, and how much you try to protect yourself from the thing you’re afraid of, it could still happen. And I’m really sorry about that.
And also, even if it does happen, it doesn’t have to end you. It doesn’t have to destroy you. It doesn’t mean your life is over. It doesn’t mean your career is over. And I think building a relationship with yourself that’s really loving and really powerful is one of the best ways to set yourself up for success if something you’re deeply afraid of does come to pass.
Through all the work I did with my client, like I said, we worked together for over two years, we coached on so many different topics. And a lot of what we coached on across all of those topics was figuring out who the client wanted to be, and then figuring out how to show up in that way and what that looked like externally and how that client interacted with other people. And also what it looked like internally and how the client interacted with themselves.
I’ve coached a lot of people and a lot of the coaching is about how people interact internally with themselves. A lot of people have really negative self-talk that’s mean and kind of abusive. It often involves name calling. It often involves belittling. And one of the things I work on with clients is developing kinder self-talk, right?
So that’s that internal, right, how we talk to ourselves. And that’s such an important thing if something you really fear comes to pass because oftentimes, like if something we really fear happens, there’s the thing we have to deal with in the external world. But usually one of the harder parts is actually the way we talk to and treat ourselves about that thing happening. It often has a lot of like you’re a failure, and also a lot of like you should have known better.
And the thing is, in this life, in this world, shit just happened sometimes, right? And sometimes we try really hard and it isn’t a good fit, it just doesn’t work out. But what we make that mean and how we explain that to ourselves and how we talk to ourselves about that, that is actually something you do have control over. And that is going to be the thing that’s going to create the texture of your reality in that situation.
And when I say it’s going to create the texture of your reality, I mean, it’s going to be what creates the emotionality about the thing, right? Now, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to be sad. It doesn’t mean we’re not going to be angry. I’m not at all suggesting not to have negative emotions.
I think negative emotions are a normal part of being a human. I think they’re good and important and beautiful. But there’s like, I’m having negative emotions like I’m sad because this didn’t work out. And then there’s, I’m beating myself up about that, like, I’m telling myself I’m a piece of shit because this didn’t work out. Those are two separate things.
I think it’s important to navigate the full spectrum of human emotion. I don’t think it’s ever necessary to criticize and belittle yourself. Now, again, like fine lines here, right? It can be really valuable to look at if you did some actions that led to things not working out. It’s good to be mindful of those. It’s good to assess that. It’s good to be able to evaluate how you showed up and how that is related to the outcome.
But the judgment and criticism and shame and belittling, none of that’s necessary, right? It’s the difference between saying, “Oh, I said I would, complete that report on Friday and I didn’t complete it until the next Wednesday,” that’s the facts of the situation. And then belittling would be like, “Oh, I’m terrible because I didn’t do that on time,” right? So you can see the difference there.
Okay, so all of this is to say, sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes the things we’re afraid of, the exact things we’re afraid of happen. Sometimes things we didn’t even know to be afraid of, or we sort of knew could happen but never thought about them happening to us, sometimes those things happen. Like when I got laid off, and it hadn’t really been something I’d been concerned about. And then I was in it and I was dealing with it.
Sometimes those things happen, and I kind of wish they wouldn’t. I also can’t say that they shouldn’t, right? I don’t really know. Sometimes things happen that we wish wouldn’t happen. Sometimes our worst fear comes to pass. Sometimes something that we didn’t know to fear, like me with my layoff, sometimes that comes to pass. Sometimes things we really don’t want happen.
And once that does, then I think the question is, how do we navigate that? And what I would offer is, that’s an opportunity for you to love yourself through the challenge. But for a lot of us, we don’t have that skill set. We don’t know how to love ourselves through things. And I’m so grateful that for my client, we had coached together for quite some time before they went through the bankruptcy.
And so they had a really strong foundation. And they’ve said this, too. They’ve said how powerful the coaching with me was to help them going through that. And we didn’t coach together about that, knowing it would happen. We coached about a lot of different things and then we laid the groundwork for that client in how they think about themselves, how they interact with themselves and how they interact with the world and the things that happen in it. And we made that groundwork very powerful for them.
And then when it happened, that they made the choice that that was the thing that made the most sense for them in their business, they were able to do that. They were able to walk directly towards the thing that used to terrify them, because they knew they could handle it. They knew it didn’t mean anything bad about them. They knew they could love themselves through it. And they knew that they could put the pieces back together on the other side of that.
And that’s what I wish for you. I would love it if everything in your life just worked out and nothing scary happened and it all just came together beautifully. I would love that for you. And that’s not something any of us are guaranteed.
And I see so many people laying awake at night not sleeping because they’re ruminating on the things that they think would be really scary if they happened. Or they’re having a hard time being present with their significant other when they’re out to dinner because they’re worrying about what could happen if they get laid off, what could happen if they don’t do a good job on the big presentation, what could happen if they’re not able to patch things up with their boss that they had a fight with.
So often people are not even able to be in their lives because they’re so worried about what they would do and how they would talk to themselves and what would happen if something that they found to be really scary came to pass.
And so what I want to offer with this podcast is, so often people are trying to do things to avoid the thing coming to pass and there’s a time and place for that. But I think it’s also useful to think through like what if it did come to pass? What do I want to be available to me? What kind of ways of showing up for myself do I want to be available to me? What kind of ways of speaking to myself do I want to be available to me?
What kind of relationship do I want to have with myself? What kind of relationship with myself is going to allow me to go through that without making me my own enemy? What kind of skills do I need to be able to navigate something I’m afraid of actually happening? What kind of relationships do I want to establish in my life?
A lot of this podcast has been about what kind of relationship do you need to establish with yourself? But also, humans are social mammals and community is deeply powerful. What kind of relationships do you need to have with other people, or would you like to have with other people to be in place for when things you’re afraid of happen?
What kind of habits could support you if you needed to go through something, or if you happened to go through something that was really challenging?
For me, a lot of what this comes down to is self-love, self-compassion, and self-kindness, self-gentleness. I also talk on the podcast a lot, and with my clients a lot, about the concept of re-parenting. When things happen in my life that are hard for me, whether it’s something I was afraid of or something I never knew to be afraid of, a skill and tool that I use now that I’ve developed in the past few years is re-parenting.
And so I kind of embody with myself both the version of me that’s freaking out, and the version of me who I call Wise Gentle Parent. And I kind of have a conversation between the two of them. I often do this, if I’m going to do it, in writing because then I can write from young Kori. And then I can write from Was Gentle Parent Kori and it makes it easier to keep the two parts distinct.
So that’s a thing that I do. And having that part of me is so helpful. Like if I need to go through or if I happen to be going through something really challenging or something that I thought would be really scary, having Wise Gentle Parent in my corner is so helpful.
But she’s also a relationship I’ve been building. Yes, inside myself, I know the terms are kind of weird. But that’s a relationship I’ve been building inside myself either way. And she also helps me navigate through little teeny things every day. But having that in place is really helpful. And I know it would be very bolstering if something really scary or difficult were to take place.
I also have relationships with professionals. Like I have a coach that I’m working with one on one right now, I’m also in her small groups. I have a therapist. I don’t see her regularly or every week, but I know if something comes up in my life I email her office immediately and I’m like, “I need to get on her calendar.” I have massage professionals.
I have all kinds of people in my corner to help me when I’m navigating difficult things and to help me in all kinds of ways, right? There’s my self-talk. There’s my relationship with myself. There are the professionals I turn to like therapists and coaches. There are professionals I turn to who are going to help me somatically or help my body relax. And there are my friends and loved ones who can also be there for me.
These are all pieces that I have put in place. And I haven’t actually just put them in place in case something I’m really scared of happens, I put them in place because, to me, they’re all part of a gorgeous, well-lived, satisfying as fuck life. But I think it’s one and the same, right?
Often the things we want in our day to day and the things we want if something scary happens are the same things. And to me, it’s powerful relationships and powerful tools that are going to help me navigate through it. And also, again, again, again, to me, it’s powerful self-talk. It’s being able to talk lovingly to myself, even if we’re in a pickle and that pickle needs to get solved.
It’s being able to talk gently to myself, even if something really difficult is going down and even if some of my actions directly led to the really difficult thing going down. I think that’s when we need gentleness, kindness, and self-love the most. But why not have it all the time? Why not have this be a habit?
And then I think what this is also helpful for is in those moments when your brain brings up the thing it’s really afraid of, you can also say, “Yeah, I’m really scared of that and I hope it doesn’t happen. And also here are the things I put in place and I’m going to have your back, even if that comes to pass.” And that can be really comforting, especially if you believe it. Especially if you actually know you are going to have your own back, you’re going to take care of yourself if something that really scares you does come to pass.
And, like I said, you don’t have to do this alone. I have professionals in my life to help me navigate through these things and set the habits and things up so that I can hold myself if those things do come to pass. And I can have a good relationship with myself, even if the scary things never come to pass.
And part of how I do that is with my own coach. And part of how you do that could be with a coach or a therapist as well. And if you think I would be a good fit for you I would love to have a conversation with you about that. You can scoot on over to my website and sign up for a consult call there and we can talk about what it might look like for us to work together. We can talk about the scary things you’re afraid of happening and how we would set you up for success if we were to work together.
All right, that’s what I have for y’all this week. I hope you have a lovely week. And if anything scary happens, I hope you can be really kind to yourself about it. All right, talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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