135. It’s Not You, It’s We
Struggling to get promoted.
No response on your last several job applications.
No follow up text from the hot human you went on the date with last week.
Side eye from your stepmom at family dinner.
That weird tummy feeling when your friend cancels your standing catch up at the last minute.
Laying awake at night, rehashing that awkward thing you said to your friend’s mom in seventh grade.
These all might seem like YOU things.
Ways you’re weird.
Ways you’re failing.
Ways you just can’t seem to figure out this project called life.
But guess what - you’re not alone.
All these struggles are you belonging to the greater collection of humankind.
And I think that’s a big, f*cking relief.
Things are a mess sometimes.
You make mistakes.
Things don’t go the way you want them to.
But when you see that as a commonality rather than a personal deficiency, it gives you more strength and resilience to dust yourself off and carry on.
(It also gives you more drive and motivation to change the flawed systems we’re all dealing with rather than thinking the flaw is in you.)
Join me this week as I walk you through the concept of it’s not you, it’s we, and how this reframe can offer you a sense of relief, connection, and belonging to the greater fabric of human beings, as well as a sense of fire and passion for changing the systems our greater human family is struggling with.
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
What the concept of “it’s not you, it’s we” means.
How you have so much more in common with others than you think you do.
What happens when you believe that what you’re grappling with is unique to you.
How our culture and socialization impact the biases we have.
The shift that becomes possible when you realize it’s not you, it’s we.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about a concept I’m calling It’s Not You, It’s We.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday. I wanted to tell y’all about something that happened the other day because I think it’s really interesting. So Alex and I were on a walk looking around at the trees and the flowers, all the beautiful, beautiful things in Midtown Sacramento and we saw some cats. And we love cats. We’re absolutely obsessed with cats. I’d say especially me, but probably especially both of us.
And one of the cats we saw was a Siamese cat and I was like, “Look at this Siamese cat, it’s beautiful. I love Siamese cats.” And Alex was like, “Really? I don’t really like Siamese cats.” And I was like, “Yeah, well, I think maybe I used to feel that way but then I used to cat sit for this Siamese cat, and she was wonderful.” And I told her all about the Siamese cat who was wonderful.
And then I basically said something about, I don’t remember exactly how I worded it, but I basically was like, oh yeah, I think I didn’t like Siamese cats either before that because I had Siamese cat bias from Lady And The Tramp. So if you’ve ever seen the movie Lady And The Tramp, or actually, I guess if you haven’t seen the movie, there are these two Siamese cats and they’re kind of villains, right?
They kind of fuck things up for the other characters and they seem to be doing it on purpose, right? Like they are written to be villainous, and potentially even we might call them evil. And it’s so interesting because when I said that I kind of casually mentioned it. Alex was like, “Oh yeah, I actually think that’s the only reason I didn’t like Siamese cats.”
And we kept talking about this because we love things like this and think they’re fascinating. So she had this whole moment where she was like, “Oh, before you even said that I could feel my brain kind of trying to put together some actual reasoning for why I don’t like Siamese cats, and who had a Siamese cat, and if the Siamese cat was like, was it mean to me? Or was it just standoffish?” Right? Never mind we’ve both known plenty of cats who are mean or standoffish that we don’t necessarily take it against their breed.
So we had this really interesting conversation about bias. And I wanted to talk to you all about it because I think that often if we try to talk about things like bias it can feel like a really heavy conversation, it can feel threatening, people can feel uncomfortable around it, I can feel uncomfortable around it. I want to talk about these kinds of things and I’m always afraid I’ll do it wrong, blah, blah, blah.
And so I really wanted to use this example, because it makes the topic feel light and I think like something that’s easier to talk about. When what you’re considering is, oh, I may have a bias against Siamese cats because of one Disney movie I watched several times as a child, I think that example can feel a lot less loaded for people than many of the other bias examples, right?
Bias like white supremacy, sexism, all of these other biases that I think it seems to me people find them to be very heavy to talk about. And I think a lot of times in those conversations, people feel a lot of big emotions. Maybe they feel defensive. And let me know, but it may be easier for us to have this conversation about cats, right? Because it doesn’t feel so big. It’s like, oh yeah, it’s cats.
I also think this is really interesting because I think it shows how much of an impact media can have on us, things like movies, books, and I’ve talked about that before on the podcast. Social conditioning comes at us from all directions. So it’s not just like the shit our parents said to us, or the things our teachers said, or what our peers did or said, it’s also what’s happening in the movies we’re watching, the books we’re reading, things like that.
And then you also have to take into consideration who’s making the decisions about that? Who’s controlling the way that people and characters and even animals, different kinds of animals, are portrayed? And it’s interesting, too, because something I’ve learned in the more recent years is about these things called the Hays Codes. And the Hays Codes were something that existed, I think it was in film, in Hollywood.
And they basically were like rules about how certain things could be construed, right? Like what could be construed or what couldn’t be construed. And if I’m correct, and I’m obviously not an expert on this, I’m pretty sure there’s stuff in the Hays Codes about certain kinds of people having to be kind of shown as villains and other kinds of people having to be shown as heroes, or at least neutral.
And I think the examples that I’ve heard about were like physicians. Like doctors had to be shown as being generally good, or if they were shown as being bad there had to be some kind of reason that they were bad or showing that it was some kind of exception to the rule.
And another example is homosexuality. So I think gay people of every kind were kind of considered bad or negative in the codes and so inappropriate. And I think it was even considered a sex perversion.
So anyways, I know I’m going into a bit of a rabbit hole here and it’s not even the main topic of this podcast. But I thought it was something really interesting to think about. Like if there’s something in your life that you’re immediately like, oh, I don’t like that. Or, oh, that’s bad. Or, oh, that’s good. Where did you learn that?
And is it possible that you have any beliefs that are kind of strongly held that actually are maybe something you accidentally inferred from like a Disney movie in1995 or something like that? It wasn’t like when I watched Lady And The Tramp I was like, “You know what? I’m going to think Siamese cats are evil for the rest of my life. And they’re mean and bad. And they take advantage of people and hurt stuff.”
No, I was just like, “Oh, these are characters in a movie and they’re doing something.” But the subconscious brain is really good at making connections. So if you’ve seen a certain kind of person or even a certain kind of animal portrayed doing something, you may have that associative connection at a deep level that you’re not even aware of.
And so certain things may feel safe, or unsafe or certain things may make you comfortable or uncomfortable, that when you dig into it you may realize the association isn’t something you want to keep and it’s not something you meant to have on purpose. And a lot of times, it’s something that came into your brain through something you were actually only watching as entertainment and that didn’t actually have a lot to do with the real world.
Or even maybe it did have to do with the real world, but it was a singular event. Like one mean Siamese cat does not make all Siamese cats assholes, right? So I just think it’s an interesting thing to think about.
And it’s an interesting frame with which to consider the topic of bias that, I think, is maybe easier for your brain or some people’s brains to grapple with. Because I think it, again, feels lighter than some of the stuff that people are normally talking about when they talk about bias that people may have big feelings about.
Okay, that also I actually think leads into the topic of this conversation, this podcast, which I’m calling, It’s Not You, It’s We. And what I mean by it’s not you, it’s we, which I think I actually said to Alex on that same walk and then we giggled, and I wrote it down. It’s the idea that so many people think that whatever they’re grappling with is a them thing, right?
They think that they’re the only one thinking that way. They think they’re the only one feeling that way. They think they’re the only one struggling with something. And what I see again and again, especially as a coach, because I get to see behind the scenes in a lot of people’s lives and minds, and careers, and relationships, is that people are struggling with the same things. People are ashamed of the same things. People are grappling with the same things.
We have so much more in common than we think we do. And especially if you consider social conditioning, because most of us didn’t get the exact same social conditioning, but we often got a lot of crossover, right? Especially if we grew up in roughly the same culture, even if our household cultures were different if we both grew up in, say, American culture or if we both grew up in Western culture, right?
So I think so often, there are things that we’re grappling with that we think are individual, like an us problem but like individual us. When really it’s an us problem, collectively us, It’s an us – And problem is maybe not even the right word, right? It’s an us thing.
So this concept is really simple, which is why I didn’t mind spending so long talking about the bias in the intro, because I knew that when we got into the meat of it, it’s a very simple concept. It’s just the idea that what if you’re not alone? What if the thing that bothers you and keeps you up at night isn’t a uniquely you thing? And what if instead, it’s something that lots of other humans are also grappling with?
And I think the beauty of that is that none of us are done with grappling ever. If you’re alive, you’re grappling with something. And also you’re not alone in the grappling. You grappling is you belonging. You struggling is you belonging. I think so often when we think it’s us individual singular, we allow that to make us feel separated from the group. We allow that to make us feel lonely. We allow that to make us feel isolated.
And instead it often is one of the most basic things that connects us to everyone else. It’s not you, it’s we. What I also like about this phrase is that it helps you see that you didn’t just get born and then make up all the thoughts in your head. None of us just got born and decided Siamese cats are mean.
You exist as part of a larger fabric of society, and society has taught you things. And some of those things are probably pretty helpful, like brushing your teeth twice a day, I’m a fan of that one. But some of those things are maybe not helpful. And some of those things maybe society didn’t even mean to teach you. Like society was just trying to make you a movie so you could watch something interesting for a few hours and it taught you something accidentally that it never meant to teach you.
I definitely think there’s both examples. I think sometimes society does teach us stuff on purpose that we’re like, get the fuck out of here with that. I just also think a lot of stuff happens accidentally because the human brain is so magical, and it will just absorb everything like a sponge. And so I think sometimes even things that are not meant to live forever in our brains do live forever in our brains.
And it’s like, I don’t know about y’all, but I read a lot like Stephen King as a young person, and I read like every R.L. Stine book in the library. And so I overloaded my sweet, young brain with a lot of like horror and that didn’t go either, right? And it’s like sometimes I hear a lullaby now as an adult, and even though I know a lullaby is innocuous because there’s so many scary movies where a lullaby means someone’s about to get murdered, then my brain reacts as though a threat is happening.
I didn’t mean to make those connections, right? I thought I was just entertaining myself with these books and this kind of genre and movies that I really liked. But I accidentally taught my brain some patterns. And I’m not the only one. It’s not just me, it’s all of us. Maybe not all of us, but it’s a lot of people, because this is a big genre that many, many people are obsessed with.
So what would shift for you if you were like, oh, it’s not me, it’s us? And when you think about it that way also you maybe go from looking for individual solutions that are just for you, to thinking about systemic solutions. Like how can we build a better system? How can we make a better system that’s going to serve everybody? Because if it’s just you, then yeah, of course, it makes sense to just try to address the one thing, that’s you.
But if it’s we, if it’s us, if it’s humans, then maybe instead of like 68,000 million band aids, maybe we want to change some of the systems. Maybe there’s some other way that we want to address this thing, right?
It’s kind of like root cause versus symptom, right? Like what is going on with you is maybe individual and unique in some ways. I mean, it is in that you’re individual and unique as a human. But it also may be a symptom that you’re going through it and because it may be a symptom that we’re all going through it and the root cause may be not you as a person or me as a person, it may be something else that needs to be addressed.
So, basically what I would love for this podcast episode to give you is a sense of relief, a sense of connection, and a sense of belonging. Belonging to the greater fabric of human beings, and realizing that we are really all connected because we’re all kind of in culture together. And because so many of the human experiences that do feel so unique to us while we’re in them are actually the exact same experiences that so many other people are experiencing all the time.
And I think that can give a lot of hope, too. I love to think about people I admire and I’m like, well, that person I admire has probably been through something like this or someone they admire has or someone else I admire has. And that makes me feel more like I’m capable and like I can handle it and figure it out and move forward.
All right, that’s what I have for you all this week. Have a lovely week and I’ll talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday. I wanted to tell y’all about something that happened the other day because I think it’s really interesting. So Alex and I were on a walk looking around at the trees and the flowers, all the beautiful, beautiful things in Midtown Sacramento and we saw some cats. And we love cats. We’re absolutely obsessed with cats. I’d say especially me, but probably especially both of us.
And one of the cats we saw was a Siamese cat and I was like, “Look at this Siamese cat, it’s beautiful. I love Siamese cats.” And Alex was like, “Really? I don’t really like Siamese cats.” And I was like, “Yeah, well, I think maybe I used to feel that way but then I used to cat sit for this Siamese cat, and she was wonderful.” And I told her all about the Siamese cat who was wonderful.
And then I basically said something about, I don’t remember exactly how I worded it, but I basically was like, oh yeah, I think I didn’t like Siamese cats either before that because I had Siamese cat bias from Lady And The Tramp. So if you’ve ever seen the movie Lady And The Tramp, or actually, I guess if you haven’t seen the movie, there are these two Siamese cats and they’re kind of villains, right?
They kind of fuck things up for the other characters and they seem to be doing it on purpose, right? Like they are written to be villainous, and potentially even we might call them evil. And it’s so interesting because when I said that I kind of casually mentioned it. Alex was like, “Oh yeah, I actually think that’s the only reason I didn’t like Siamese cats.”
And we kept talking about this because we love things like this and think they’re fascinating. So she had this whole moment where she was like, “Oh, before you even said that I could feel my brain kind of trying to put together some actual reasoning for why I don’t like Siamese cats, and who had a Siamese cat, and if the Siamese cat was like, was it mean to me? Or was it just standoffish?” Right? Never mind we’ve both known plenty of cats who are mean or standoffish that we don’t necessarily take it against their breed.
So we had this really interesting conversation about bias. And I wanted to talk to you all about it because I think that often if we try to talk about things like bias it can feel like a really heavy conversation, it can feel threatening, people can feel uncomfortable around it, I can feel uncomfortable around it. I want to talk about these kinds of things and I’m always afraid I’ll do it wrong, blah, blah, blah.
And so I really wanted to use this example, because it makes the topic feel light and I think like something that’s easier to talk about. When what you’re considering is, oh, I may have a bias against Siamese cats because of one Disney movie I watched several times as a child, I think that example can feel a lot less loaded for people than many of the other bias examples, right?
Bias like white supremacy, sexism, all of these other biases that I think it seems to me people find them to be very heavy to talk about. And I think a lot of times in those conversations, people feel a lot of big emotions. Maybe they feel defensive. And let me know, but it may be easier for us to have this conversation about cats, right? Because it doesn’t feel so big. It’s like, oh yeah, it’s cats.
I also think this is really interesting because I think it shows how much of an impact media can have on us, things like movies, books, and I’ve talked about that before on the podcast. Social conditioning comes at us from all directions. So it’s not just like the shit our parents said to us, or the things our teachers said, or what our peers did or said, it’s also what’s happening in the movies we’re watching, the books we’re reading, things like that.
And then you also have to take into consideration who’s making the decisions about that? Who’s controlling the way that people and characters and even animals, different kinds of animals, are portrayed? And it’s interesting, too, because something I’ve learned in the more recent years is about these things called the Hays Codes. And the Hays Codes were something that existed, I think it was in film, in Hollywood.
And they basically were like rules about how certain things could be construed, right? Like what could be construed or what couldn’t be construed. And if I’m correct, and I’m obviously not an expert on this, I’m pretty sure there’s stuff in the Hays Codes about certain kinds of people having to be kind of shown as villains and other kinds of people having to be shown as heroes, or at least neutral.
And I think the examples that I’ve heard about were like physicians. Like doctors had to be shown as being generally good, or if they were shown as being bad there had to be some kind of reason that they were bad or showing that it was some kind of exception to the rule.
And another example is homosexuality. So I think gay people of every kind were kind of considered bad or negative in the codes and so inappropriate. And I think it was even considered a sex perversion.
So anyways, I know I’m going into a bit of a rabbit hole here and it’s not even the main topic of this podcast. But I thought it was something really interesting to think about. Like if there’s something in your life that you’re immediately like, oh, I don’t like that. Or, oh, that’s bad. Or, oh, that’s good. Where did you learn that?
And is it possible that you have any beliefs that are kind of strongly held that actually are maybe something you accidentally inferred from like a Disney movie in1995 or something like that? It wasn’t like when I watched Lady And The Tramp I was like, “You know what? I’m going to think Siamese cats are evil for the rest of my life. And they’re mean and bad. And they take advantage of people and hurt stuff.”
No, I was just like, “Oh, these are characters in a movie and they’re doing something.” But the subconscious brain is really good at making connections. So if you’ve seen a certain kind of person or even a certain kind of animal portrayed doing something, you may have that associative connection at a deep level that you’re not even aware of.
And so certain things may feel safe, or unsafe or certain things may make you comfortable or uncomfortable, that when you dig into it you may realize the association isn’t something you want to keep and it’s not something you meant to have on purpose. And a lot of times, it’s something that came into your brain through something you were actually only watching as entertainment and that didn’t actually have a lot to do with the real world.
Or even maybe it did have to do with the real world, but it was a singular event. Like one mean Siamese cat does not make all Siamese cats assholes, right? So I just think it’s an interesting thing to think about.
And it’s an interesting frame with which to consider the topic of bias that, I think, is maybe easier for your brain or some people’s brains to grapple with. Because I think it, again, feels lighter than some of the stuff that people are normally talking about when they talk about bias that people may have big feelings about.
Okay, that also I actually think leads into the topic of this conversation, this podcast, which I’m calling, It’s Not You, It’s We. And what I mean by it’s not you, it’s we, which I think I actually said to Alex on that same walk and then we giggled, and I wrote it down. It’s the idea that so many people think that whatever they’re grappling with is a them thing, right?
They think that they’re the only one thinking that way. They think they’re the only one feeling that way. They think they’re the only one struggling with something. And what I see again and again, especially as a coach, because I get to see behind the scenes in a lot of people’s lives and minds, and careers, and relationships, is that people are struggling with the same things. People are ashamed of the same things. People are grappling with the same things.
We have so much more in common than we think we do. And especially if you consider social conditioning, because most of us didn’t get the exact same social conditioning, but we often got a lot of crossover, right? Especially if we grew up in roughly the same culture, even if our household cultures were different if we both grew up in, say, American culture or if we both grew up in Western culture, right?
So I think so often, there are things that we’re grappling with that we think are individual, like an us problem but like individual us. When really it’s an us problem, collectively us, It’s an us – And problem is maybe not even the right word, right? It’s an us thing.
So this concept is really simple, which is why I didn’t mind spending so long talking about the bias in the intro, because I knew that when we got into the meat of it, it’s a very simple concept. It’s just the idea that what if you’re not alone? What if the thing that bothers you and keeps you up at night isn’t a uniquely you thing? And what if instead, it’s something that lots of other humans are also grappling with?
And I think the beauty of that is that none of us are done with grappling ever. If you’re alive, you’re grappling with something. And also you’re not alone in the grappling. You grappling is you belonging. You struggling is you belonging. I think so often when we think it’s us individual singular, we allow that to make us feel separated from the group. We allow that to make us feel lonely. We allow that to make us feel isolated.
And instead it often is one of the most basic things that connects us to everyone else. It’s not you, it’s we. What I also like about this phrase is that it helps you see that you didn’t just get born and then make up all the thoughts in your head. None of us just got born and decided Siamese cats are mean.
You exist as part of a larger fabric of society, and society has taught you things. And some of those things are probably pretty helpful, like brushing your teeth twice a day, I’m a fan of that one. But some of those things are maybe not helpful. And some of those things maybe society didn’t even mean to teach you. Like society was just trying to make you a movie so you could watch something interesting for a few hours and it taught you something accidentally that it never meant to teach you.
I definitely think there’s both examples. I think sometimes society does teach us stuff on purpose that we’re like, get the fuck out of here with that. I just also think a lot of stuff happens accidentally because the human brain is so magical, and it will just absorb everything like a sponge. And so I think sometimes even things that are not meant to live forever in our brains do live forever in our brains.
And it’s like, I don’t know about y’all, but I read a lot like Stephen King as a young person, and I read like every R.L. Stine book in the library. And so I overloaded my sweet, young brain with a lot of like horror and that didn’t go either, right? And it’s like sometimes I hear a lullaby now as an adult, and even though I know a lullaby is innocuous because there’s so many scary movies where a lullaby means someone’s about to get murdered, then my brain reacts as though a threat is happening.
I didn’t mean to make those connections, right? I thought I was just entertaining myself with these books and this kind of genre and movies that I really liked. But I accidentally taught my brain some patterns. And I’m not the only one. It’s not just me, it’s all of us. Maybe not all of us, but it’s a lot of people, because this is a big genre that many, many people are obsessed with.
So what would shift for you if you were like, oh, it’s not me, it’s us? And when you think about it that way also you maybe go from looking for individual solutions that are just for you, to thinking about systemic solutions. Like how can we build a better system? How can we make a better system that’s going to serve everybody? Because if it’s just you, then yeah, of course, it makes sense to just try to address the one thing, that’s you.
But if it’s we, if it’s us, if it’s humans, then maybe instead of like 68,000 million band aids, maybe we want to change some of the systems. Maybe there’s some other way that we want to address this thing, right?
It’s kind of like root cause versus symptom, right? Like what is going on with you is maybe individual and unique in some ways. I mean, it is in that you’re individual and unique as a human. But it also may be a symptom that you’re going through it and because it may be a symptom that we’re all going through it and the root cause may be not you as a person or me as a person, it may be something else that needs to be addressed.
So, basically what I would love for this podcast episode to give you is a sense of relief, a sense of connection, and a sense of belonging. Belonging to the greater fabric of human beings, and realizing that we are really all connected because we’re all kind of in culture together. And because so many of the human experiences that do feel so unique to us while we’re in them are actually the exact same experiences that so many other people are experiencing all the time.
And I think that can give a lot of hope, too. I love to think about people I admire and I’m like, well, that person I admire has probably been through something like this or someone they admire has or someone else I admire has. And that makes me feel more like I’m capable and like I can handle it and figure it out and move forward.
All right, that’s what I have for you all this week. Have a lovely week and I’ll talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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