203. You Don’t Have to Be How You’ve Always Been
Do you believe that there are certain things you just can’t change?
Whether it’s about your career, relationships, or personal growth, this kind of thinking, known as a fixed mindset, can keep you stuck.
While it feels safe and familiar, it often comes with major downsides—keeping you from taking risks, trying new things, or reaching your full potential.
In this episode, we’ll unpack what a fixed mindset is, why it feels so true, and how it limits your growth.
I’ll also introduce the power of a growth mindset—a new way of thinking that opens up possibilities for change and possibility, no matter where you are in life.
You’ll learn how this mindset shift can help you feel more capable, take meaningful action, and start seeing challenges as opportunities.
Ready to let go of the belief that you’re stuck? Tune in and learn how to embrace growth, take on new challenges, and start creating the life you really want.
Want customized support creating your wildly delicious life? Let’s hop on a free consultation call.
I’ll help you understand the blockers you’re facing and how to handle them moving forward. And I’ll share how a three-month 1:1 coaching package could supercharge your progress as well as your satisfaction.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
What a fixed mindset is and how it shows up in your life.
Why the belief that "I can’t change" is holding you back.
The hidden costs and benefits of this thought pattern.
How shifting to a growth mindset can unlock new opportunities.
A powerful new thought you can start practicing today.
Practical ways to embrace growth, try new things, and build resilience.
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week, we're talking about fixed mindset versus growth mindset.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs.
No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one-of-a-kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn, and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello. It's Kori Linn. Welcome to another episode of Satisfied AF. Before we dig into this week's topic, I just wanted to share something with y'all.
So I've been posting on Instagram and TikTok little short videos that are like clips of the podcast, and I've gotten some interesting questions on there, and in real life from people I know in person, about the episode, about asking for what you want in your relationship.
And something that came up was, “What if you ask your partner for something and they say yes, and you're so excited and you're like, ‘Oh, they're going to do it,’ and then they don't do it?” I made a TikTok about this, but I wanted to circle back and share with y'all here too, that that is something that can happen.
A friend actually reached out after I published that podcast to talk about how that has been something that happened to her, and it does happen sometimes. And so people are like, “What do you do?” And I wanted to take a minute to just address it here.
You have a few options. I think it is beneficial to be gracious. The first time someone says they're going to do something and doesn't, being able to be like, “Oh, okay. That was the first time, maybe you forgot. Did you have some trouble?” We can approach with curiosity and kind of try to find out where is the obstacle?
And I know sometimes, when things don't go the way you want them to, it's so much easier to be pissed off. I get that, and I'm often like that too. But something I've found through years of practice is that when I'm able to bring curiosity, I can usually get a lot more information.
Now sometimes that information is still going to be like, “Oh, this person's not interested in having the kind of interaction or relationship I want,” and then I may choose to leave the situation. But a lot of times, I uncover something really interesting.
Maybe they didn't want to say yes to the thing, but they felt like they had to. And I don't really want them to people-please me, so then we can talk through that. Or maybe they just forgot. Or maybe the specific thing I asked for feels inauthentic to them, but they're willing to do something else.
So basically, an open-hearted conversation. And in that you can learn what the obstacle is; if the obstacle is overcome-able, if they want to go with you where you want to go, whether they're able to do that exact thing you want or not. And then you have so much more information about how to move forward.
One thing I mentioned on Tech Talk, that I think is so important, is yes, no matter who you choose to partner with, no matter what job you wind up in, no matter what kind of parenting situation you have or family of origin, everyone has gaps, right? Everyone has skills gaps. Or everyone has personality things where they could be a wonderful fit for you in some ways and not so much in other ways.
So then it's also just about, can I make peace with these gaps? Can I be in love with this set of gaps? Because it's part of this whole thing that I really cherish. Or, “Hey, maybe these gaps are deal breakers for me.” That doesn't mean that if someone says no to your request, or says yes, and then their actions say no, that definitely has to mean the relationship is ending.
But it's just more information. And then you just get to decide what to do with that. But I think the biggest thing I've found for me, the biggest skill in having a wonderful relationship where we can navigate conflict and things is the skill of being able to have conversations, and the skill of being able to repair after there's been a rupture.
So even if you're disappointed with how they show up, it's possible that that situation can turn into something that feels more connected between the two of you. And it's also possible that it doesn't. But then the other tools and skills of coaching can also help you navigate through that, because sometimes life is really difficult and that's what we need help navigating through. Like ending a relationship even though we really love the person, because they're not able to show up the way we want them to.
But sometimes you'll find that if you're willing to end the relationship, then you actually say all the things you were holding kind of close to your vest. I had a client actually in this situation a few years ago, where she finally got so frustrated that she started telling her husband all the things she actually wanted, and asking him for the things she was always too scared to ask him for.
And guess what? They didn't get divorced. They stayed married and she got all this stuff, and it was very eye opening for her. “Oh, I could have had this.” He had no problem with most of it. And some of it they maybe had some conflict about, but then they've resolved it. So sometimes the things that you think will destroy what you have, won't.
Enough about that. Let's jump into today's topic, which is one that I know so many people wrestle with at one point or another. And that is the belief that there are certain things about yourself you just can't change.
Maybe you've caught yourself thinking, “I've always been this way. It's too late for me to change now.” Or perhaps you think you were born with certain skill sets, talents, even flaws, and that these are just part of who you are. This way of thinking is called a “fixed mindset”.
And it's the idea that the way you are is fixed. Like you're either good at math or you're not. You're good at talking to people or you're not. You're the kind of person who can put together Ikea furniture or you aren't.
But what if I told you that these beliefs might be the very thing standing between you and the life you truly want to live? What if the belief that you are who you are, and that there are certain things you can't change about yourself, is actually a story?
It's a perspective, and it's one that you have the power to rewrite. Imagine this, you're scrolling through social media and you see someone you admire achieving something incredible. Maybe they've built a successful business, transformed their health, or learned a new skill, possibly later in life.
A tiny voice inside you says, “That's amazing, but I could never do that.” It feels so true, right? Like it's just a fact of life. But is it? Or is the thing that's between you and that actually the belief that you can't have that or that that's not available for you? So let's unpack that thought pattern for many people.
This shows up as, “I'm just not good at…” insert literally anything here; business, math, taking risks, etc. And whatever that is for you, it may feel deeply unequivocally true just the way it is. It may feel like it's always been that way, so it always will be that way. And especially as you get older, it can seem like this truth gets more and more solid, rigid, heavy.
Maybe you could have changed at some point, but now it's too late for that. Many people, even very smart ones will insist that after a certain age, you are who you are and that's that. This thought pattern can pop up in so many areas of your life; career, relationships, habits, even your sense of self-worth.
If you are a person who's always struggled with self-worth, you might just be thinking, “Well, that's who I am. I've just always struggled with my self-worth. It'll always be that way.” But what if that doesn't have to be the case?
Now listen, there is some truth to the idea that the way you've been can inform the way you will be, because people do tend to have set points that they return to, even if people's circumstances change. There are studies about this, where you have a happiness set point. And even if something incredible happens, like winning the lottery, you'll experience a period of elation and then you'll return to your happiness set point.
Even if something terrible happens, like a terrible accident, you'll dip down below your set point and then you'll return to it. So that does exist. But I think the real question is, can you change those set points? And how do we do that? But I think the real question is, can we change those set points?
And something I've seen is that for some things we for surely can. But I think the real question is, but what if even set points are just habitual ways of thinking, habitual ways of seeing the world? What if they're just habits that we can change? What if we can change what you've always believed to be true about yourself, like on the level of what you think, but also like what if we can also change what you're able to do, be, and accomplish?
A lot of the thought patterns we talk about here on this podcast are specific to high achievers, but I think this thought pattern actually impacts most people. Here's the thing. Sometimes it's a high achiever, and this thought pattern can actually be helpful.
If you believe that you've always done well, and you know how to figure things out, you can take comfort in that. It can even galvanize you for difficult times, and it may really give you the gas you need to keep going when the going gets tough.
But what I've seen again and again is this thought pattern can also block you from pursuing interest streams and fun ideas. For instance, if you're a book smart person who's always thrived in academia, but now you want to try your hand at entrepreneurship, it may feel scary and even dangerous to put yourself out there in that way.
Because that goal, that vision doesn't align with the things you've always known about yourself and the ways you've achieved success in the past. And it's not just a work thing. This can impact your personal life too. When a friend first invited me to go country dancing with her a million years ago, I didn't want to go at all.
I didn't think I'd like it, and I was certain I wouldn't be good at it. Guess what? I was wrong. Well, I was at least wrong about liking it. I actually was quite bad for years, but even that can change. It turns out I've now been dancing for 17 years, and not only do I love it, I've also gotten so much better at it than I ever thought possible.
And now it's a wild to realize that I could have missed out on all the fun and yes, health benefits, of this hobby because it didn't match what I thought was true about me, who I'd always been, what I was capable of, and who I would continue to be into the future.
This thought pattern that you'll always be how you were before can also cause suffering and keep people stuck in situations that are not working for them. For instance, if you believe that it's your job to organize family trips because that's the way your family has always done it, you might be hesitant to let that task go even though you're tired of doing it and you feel super resentful every time someone asks you where the family is vacationing that year.
Or at work, you might be feeling burned out and tired of your current role. But if you strongly identify with your work and the prestige it brings, it might be hard for you to walk away and try something new. You may believe that this is what you do, this is how you feel good about yourself, and that's the way it's always been and that's the way it will be. And so it would put you in a real pickle to leave even though staying is hurting you. Leaving feels impossible because it's not who you are.
Or another one that I've actually coached a client on before is… I had this client who wanted to leave the office earlier, but when we dug into it, that client got their sense of who they are as a person from how late they stayed, right? They took a lot of pride in being the first one in the office and the last one out of the office.
So that's what they believe to be true about themselves, and it's what they believe to be true about how to be a good employee, how to be a good worker. That was at odds with their desire, their goal to start work at nine and leave work at five for instance.
We can have these fixed beliefs about ourself, who we are as a person, but we can also have these fixed beliefs about the world. “In order to be successful, I have to work 60 hours a week. I have to be in the office more than everyone else.” And the fixed beliefs about the world can hem us in just as much as the ones we have about ourselves.
So where does this thought pattern come from? It's for sure not something you're born with. It's something you learn. You've picked this belief up from the world around you. Maybe from well-meaning people who told you to be realistic or that people don't change. Maybe from well-meaning people who told you this is how people are successful. This is what you have to do to have a good life.
You hear it in the stories you're told in the media. And it even exists in the way all of our brains are wired to prefer the safety of the known over the uncertainty of the unknown. This thought pattern can even be a defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from the fear of failure or the discomfort of change.
But here's the thing, this thought pattern, while it might feel protective, actually has some serious downsides. Let's talk about them.
First, it can keep you playing small. If you believe you can't change, why would you even try? You might avoid taking risks or stepping out of your comfort zone because deep down you don't believe it'll make a difference, or you don't believe you can be successful.
Second, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness or resignation. When you think you're stuck, when you think that you're always going to be the way you've always been and that there are no real options, life can feel like a series of obligations rather than a journey of growth and discovery.
And third, this thought pattern can stop you from reaching your full potential. You might have big dreams, but if you don't believe you can change, if you don't believe you can succeed at anything you haven't already succeeded at, those dreams may feel impossible, like something only other people get to pursue.
Now I want to acknowledge something important here. Like I said before, this thought pattern isn't all bad. In fact, it does offer some benefits, which is why we cling to it.
One benefit is that it keeps us safe from failure. If you don't try, you can't fail, right? Another is that it gives you a sense of certainty. Believing that you can't change can be oddly comforting because it means you don't have to face the unknown. You always know what's going to happen. It can feel safer that way.
And finally, it can protect you from judgment, both from yourself and others. Because if you don't believe you can change, and you don't try to change, you get to keep doing the proven things and there's a much higher chance of success with those.
But, and this is a big, but those benefits come at a cost. They might feel good in the short term, but in the long term they can keep you from growing, from trying new things, and from becoming the person you truly want to be.
As I mentioned earlier though, this thought pattern can also be beneficial for when you believe you're good at something. So that is a time when you might want to keep this thought pattern.
For instance, believing that you're good at problem solving can help you tackle all kinds of things from a last-minute scheduling snafu to sorting out a budgeting issue at work. It's generally where you see the limits that this thought pattern will restrict you and hem you into a smaller life.
But even when you're good at something, this thought pattern can also cause a wrinkle every now and then if it blocks you from being willing to learn new things and try stuff. Even areas where you already have proven success.
So basically, don't let your belief that you're already good at something block you from learning how to be even better at that thing. We can see that there are a few times and places when this thought pattern can be really useful, but we also need some other thought patterns to kind of round out our toolkit so that we can also pursue interesting things and go after our goals, even if they're things we've never done before.
So what other ways of thinking might be helpful? Well, what if instead of believing that there are things about yourself you can't change, you started believing that you are capable of changing growth in literally any area you want to explore? Now, I want to be clear. This isn't lying to yourself and saying it will be easy or you'll be an expert guitarist in no time.
This is saying, “Wow, I have so much more capacity to learn and do things differently than I ever realized before.” It's saying, “Maybe the effort I put in each day could take me in any direction I want to go in.”
Now, to be very frank, that doesn't mean that the journey will be short. It's just saying to yourself that maybe things are changeable. So as an example, I did go country dancing with my friend that time and decided I like it. I still country dance, and I've become quite good at it over a series of years and probably tens of thousands of hours of country dancing.
But there was also a time when I thought, “I want to become a better singer,” and I have very little natural talent in this area. I took a singing lesson and I thought, “No, I don't think I really want to put in the amount of time and effort and energy.” It's not that I don't believe I could be a good singer. It's that I don't want to invest in that particular goal or dream given the limited amount of time and resources I have on this planet.
So that is still a conversation you'll be having with yourself. “If I could do anything, that doesn't actually mean I will do everything.” This way of thinking is called “growth mindset”. And it hinges on the idea that you can grow, learn, and change.
Growth mindset often feels way better than fixed mindset. And it opens so many doors, but it can also feel quite alien and maybe even scary. Like, if you can change anything, how will you pick what to change? If you could keep going in any direction, how will you ever know what's enough?
Sometimes we hold onto limits because they feel safer. In some ways, cultivating a belief in your capability to go as far as you want means you will have to be the one to decide what to pursue and how far you want to go with it. This new thought pattern is so powerful.
A fixed mindset creates limits. Growth mindset creates possibilities. Growth mindset can boost your courage to take risks and try new things. When you believe you are capable of change, capable of growth, you're no longer limited by your past or the labels you or others have placed on you. You can even see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to your identity.
Think about it this way. The benefits you thought you were getting from the old mindset — safety, certainty, protection from judgment — those might actually be holding you back while they may feel good in the moment. They may also be keeping you from experiencing the fullness of life and from pursuing goals and dreams that you've been noodling on for years.
If you choose to make the shift to growth mindset, you may start to see that what you thought was protecting you was actually kind of a cage. And when you open that cage, when you allow yourself to believe that you're capable of change, everything else also changes. You start to approach life with curiosity instead of fear.
You become more resilient because you know that setbacks are just part of the process, not a reflection of your worth. And most importantly, you start to move forward on goals, dreams, and ideas that you'd been avoiding, procrastinating, or feeling stuck on.
Let's talk about what happens when you make this shift. When you start believing that you can change, you give yourself permission to try new things, to fail, to learn, to grow. You start setting goals that feel exciting and probably a little scary, because you know that even if you don't achieve them right away, you're growing and evolving in the process.
For example, maybe you've been telling yourself that you're just not good at public speaking. With a fixed mindset, you might avoid opportunities to speak because you believe that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be comfortable in front of a crowd. But with a growth mindset, you start to see those opportunities as chances to learn and improve. You might still feel nervous, but you also know that with practice, you can get better. And guess what? Over time, you will get better.
Or maybe you've been telling yourself that you're too old to start a new career or learn a new skill. The fixed mindset would have you believe that it's too late, you've missed your chance, and you never were going to be able to learn new things anyways.
But growth mindset, it's going to say, “Why not? If I'm willing to put in the effort, I can learn and grow at any age.” And suddenly, that dream of starting a new business or learning to knit doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
So let's bring it all together. The belief that there are things about yourself you can't change might feel safe and familiar, but it could also be what's keeping you from living the life you truly want. By shifting to the belief that you are capable of growth and change in any area you want to explore, you're opening yourself up to a world of possibilities.
You're giving yourself the gift of growth, the freedom to evolve, and the courage to pursue your dreams. This mindset shift is not just about thinking positively, it's about fundamentally changing the way you see yourself and your potential. It's about stepping into your power and taking ownership of your growth. And when you do that, there's no limit to what you can achieve.
So I challenge you to start today. Pick one area of your life where you've been telling yourself that you can't change, maybe it's your career, your relationships, your health, or even your mindset itself, and start asking yourself, “What if I could change? What if I'm capable of growth here?” See what comes up for you and then take one small step in that direction. Remember, growth is a journey, not a destination. And every step you take is a step towards becoming the person you want to be. You are capable of so much more than you think. And I can't wait to see where this new mindset takes you.
If this episode resonates with you and you want to work on your thought and behavior patterns with a trained and certified coach, I'd love to support you on that journey. Reach out and let's have a conversation about working together to get you feeling Satisfied AF because you deserve nothing less.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend or leave a review. It helps others find the podcast and get the support they need to. Until next time.
Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.KoriLinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs.
No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one-of-a-kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn, and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello. It's Kori Linn. Welcome to another episode of Satisfied AF. Before we dig into this week's topic, I just wanted to share something with y'all.
So I've been posting on Instagram and TikTok little short videos that are like clips of the podcast, and I've gotten some interesting questions on there, and in real life from people I know in person, about the episode, about asking for what you want in your relationship.
And something that came up was, “What if you ask your partner for something and they say yes, and you're so excited and you're like, ‘Oh, they're going to do it,’ and then they don't do it?” I made a TikTok about this, but I wanted to circle back and share with y'all here too, that that is something that can happen.
A friend actually reached out after I published that podcast to talk about how that has been something that happened to her, and it does happen sometimes. And so people are like, “What do you do?” And I wanted to take a minute to just address it here.
You have a few options. I think it is beneficial to be gracious. The first time someone says they're going to do something and doesn't, being able to be like, “Oh, okay. That was the first time, maybe you forgot. Did you have some trouble?” We can approach with curiosity and kind of try to find out where is the obstacle?
And I know sometimes, when things don't go the way you want them to, it's so much easier to be pissed off. I get that, and I'm often like that too. But something I've found through years of practice is that when I'm able to bring curiosity, I can usually get a lot more information.
Now sometimes that information is still going to be like, “Oh, this person's not interested in having the kind of interaction or relationship I want,” and then I may choose to leave the situation. But a lot of times, I uncover something really interesting.
Maybe they didn't want to say yes to the thing, but they felt like they had to. And I don't really want them to people-please me, so then we can talk through that. Or maybe they just forgot. Or maybe the specific thing I asked for feels inauthentic to them, but they're willing to do something else.
So basically, an open-hearted conversation. And in that you can learn what the obstacle is; if the obstacle is overcome-able, if they want to go with you where you want to go, whether they're able to do that exact thing you want or not. And then you have so much more information about how to move forward.
One thing I mentioned on Tech Talk, that I think is so important, is yes, no matter who you choose to partner with, no matter what job you wind up in, no matter what kind of parenting situation you have or family of origin, everyone has gaps, right? Everyone has skills gaps. Or everyone has personality things where they could be a wonderful fit for you in some ways and not so much in other ways.
So then it's also just about, can I make peace with these gaps? Can I be in love with this set of gaps? Because it's part of this whole thing that I really cherish. Or, “Hey, maybe these gaps are deal breakers for me.” That doesn't mean that if someone says no to your request, or says yes, and then their actions say no, that definitely has to mean the relationship is ending.
But it's just more information. And then you just get to decide what to do with that. But I think the biggest thing I've found for me, the biggest skill in having a wonderful relationship where we can navigate conflict and things is the skill of being able to have conversations, and the skill of being able to repair after there's been a rupture.
So even if you're disappointed with how they show up, it's possible that that situation can turn into something that feels more connected between the two of you. And it's also possible that it doesn't. But then the other tools and skills of coaching can also help you navigate through that, because sometimes life is really difficult and that's what we need help navigating through. Like ending a relationship even though we really love the person, because they're not able to show up the way we want them to.
But sometimes you'll find that if you're willing to end the relationship, then you actually say all the things you were holding kind of close to your vest. I had a client actually in this situation a few years ago, where she finally got so frustrated that she started telling her husband all the things she actually wanted, and asking him for the things she was always too scared to ask him for.
And guess what? They didn't get divorced. They stayed married and she got all this stuff, and it was very eye opening for her. “Oh, I could have had this.” He had no problem with most of it. And some of it they maybe had some conflict about, but then they've resolved it. So sometimes the things that you think will destroy what you have, won't.
Enough about that. Let's jump into today's topic, which is one that I know so many people wrestle with at one point or another. And that is the belief that there are certain things about yourself you just can't change.
Maybe you've caught yourself thinking, “I've always been this way. It's too late for me to change now.” Or perhaps you think you were born with certain skill sets, talents, even flaws, and that these are just part of who you are. This way of thinking is called a “fixed mindset”.
And it's the idea that the way you are is fixed. Like you're either good at math or you're not. You're good at talking to people or you're not. You're the kind of person who can put together Ikea furniture or you aren't.
But what if I told you that these beliefs might be the very thing standing between you and the life you truly want to live? What if the belief that you are who you are, and that there are certain things you can't change about yourself, is actually a story?
It's a perspective, and it's one that you have the power to rewrite. Imagine this, you're scrolling through social media and you see someone you admire achieving something incredible. Maybe they've built a successful business, transformed their health, or learned a new skill, possibly later in life.
A tiny voice inside you says, “That's amazing, but I could never do that.” It feels so true, right? Like it's just a fact of life. But is it? Or is the thing that's between you and that actually the belief that you can't have that or that that's not available for you? So let's unpack that thought pattern for many people.
This shows up as, “I'm just not good at…” insert literally anything here; business, math, taking risks, etc. And whatever that is for you, it may feel deeply unequivocally true just the way it is. It may feel like it's always been that way, so it always will be that way. And especially as you get older, it can seem like this truth gets more and more solid, rigid, heavy.
Maybe you could have changed at some point, but now it's too late for that. Many people, even very smart ones will insist that after a certain age, you are who you are and that's that. This thought pattern can pop up in so many areas of your life; career, relationships, habits, even your sense of self-worth.
If you are a person who's always struggled with self-worth, you might just be thinking, “Well, that's who I am. I've just always struggled with my self-worth. It'll always be that way.” But what if that doesn't have to be the case?
Now listen, there is some truth to the idea that the way you've been can inform the way you will be, because people do tend to have set points that they return to, even if people's circumstances change. There are studies about this, where you have a happiness set point. And even if something incredible happens, like winning the lottery, you'll experience a period of elation and then you'll return to your happiness set point.
Even if something terrible happens, like a terrible accident, you'll dip down below your set point and then you'll return to it. So that does exist. But I think the real question is, can you change those set points? And how do we do that? But I think the real question is, can we change those set points?
And something I've seen is that for some things we for surely can. But I think the real question is, but what if even set points are just habitual ways of thinking, habitual ways of seeing the world? What if they're just habits that we can change? What if we can change what you've always believed to be true about yourself, like on the level of what you think, but also like what if we can also change what you're able to do, be, and accomplish?
A lot of the thought patterns we talk about here on this podcast are specific to high achievers, but I think this thought pattern actually impacts most people. Here's the thing. Sometimes it's a high achiever, and this thought pattern can actually be helpful.
If you believe that you've always done well, and you know how to figure things out, you can take comfort in that. It can even galvanize you for difficult times, and it may really give you the gas you need to keep going when the going gets tough.
But what I've seen again and again is this thought pattern can also block you from pursuing interest streams and fun ideas. For instance, if you're a book smart person who's always thrived in academia, but now you want to try your hand at entrepreneurship, it may feel scary and even dangerous to put yourself out there in that way.
Because that goal, that vision doesn't align with the things you've always known about yourself and the ways you've achieved success in the past. And it's not just a work thing. This can impact your personal life too. When a friend first invited me to go country dancing with her a million years ago, I didn't want to go at all.
I didn't think I'd like it, and I was certain I wouldn't be good at it. Guess what? I was wrong. Well, I was at least wrong about liking it. I actually was quite bad for years, but even that can change. It turns out I've now been dancing for 17 years, and not only do I love it, I've also gotten so much better at it than I ever thought possible.
And now it's a wild to realize that I could have missed out on all the fun and yes, health benefits, of this hobby because it didn't match what I thought was true about me, who I'd always been, what I was capable of, and who I would continue to be into the future.
This thought pattern that you'll always be how you were before can also cause suffering and keep people stuck in situations that are not working for them. For instance, if you believe that it's your job to organize family trips because that's the way your family has always done it, you might be hesitant to let that task go even though you're tired of doing it and you feel super resentful every time someone asks you where the family is vacationing that year.
Or at work, you might be feeling burned out and tired of your current role. But if you strongly identify with your work and the prestige it brings, it might be hard for you to walk away and try something new. You may believe that this is what you do, this is how you feel good about yourself, and that's the way it's always been and that's the way it will be. And so it would put you in a real pickle to leave even though staying is hurting you. Leaving feels impossible because it's not who you are.
Or another one that I've actually coached a client on before is… I had this client who wanted to leave the office earlier, but when we dug into it, that client got their sense of who they are as a person from how late they stayed, right? They took a lot of pride in being the first one in the office and the last one out of the office.
So that's what they believe to be true about themselves, and it's what they believe to be true about how to be a good employee, how to be a good worker. That was at odds with their desire, their goal to start work at nine and leave work at five for instance.
We can have these fixed beliefs about ourself, who we are as a person, but we can also have these fixed beliefs about the world. “In order to be successful, I have to work 60 hours a week. I have to be in the office more than everyone else.” And the fixed beliefs about the world can hem us in just as much as the ones we have about ourselves.
So where does this thought pattern come from? It's for sure not something you're born with. It's something you learn. You've picked this belief up from the world around you. Maybe from well-meaning people who told you to be realistic or that people don't change. Maybe from well-meaning people who told you this is how people are successful. This is what you have to do to have a good life.
You hear it in the stories you're told in the media. And it even exists in the way all of our brains are wired to prefer the safety of the known over the uncertainty of the unknown. This thought pattern can even be a defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from the fear of failure or the discomfort of change.
But here's the thing, this thought pattern, while it might feel protective, actually has some serious downsides. Let's talk about them.
First, it can keep you playing small. If you believe you can't change, why would you even try? You might avoid taking risks or stepping out of your comfort zone because deep down you don't believe it'll make a difference, or you don't believe you can be successful.
Second, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness or resignation. When you think you're stuck, when you think that you're always going to be the way you've always been and that there are no real options, life can feel like a series of obligations rather than a journey of growth and discovery.
And third, this thought pattern can stop you from reaching your full potential. You might have big dreams, but if you don't believe you can change, if you don't believe you can succeed at anything you haven't already succeeded at, those dreams may feel impossible, like something only other people get to pursue.
Now I want to acknowledge something important here. Like I said before, this thought pattern isn't all bad. In fact, it does offer some benefits, which is why we cling to it.
One benefit is that it keeps us safe from failure. If you don't try, you can't fail, right? Another is that it gives you a sense of certainty. Believing that you can't change can be oddly comforting because it means you don't have to face the unknown. You always know what's going to happen. It can feel safer that way.
And finally, it can protect you from judgment, both from yourself and others. Because if you don't believe you can change, and you don't try to change, you get to keep doing the proven things and there's a much higher chance of success with those.
But, and this is a big, but those benefits come at a cost. They might feel good in the short term, but in the long term they can keep you from growing, from trying new things, and from becoming the person you truly want to be.
As I mentioned earlier though, this thought pattern can also be beneficial for when you believe you're good at something. So that is a time when you might want to keep this thought pattern.
For instance, believing that you're good at problem solving can help you tackle all kinds of things from a last-minute scheduling snafu to sorting out a budgeting issue at work. It's generally where you see the limits that this thought pattern will restrict you and hem you into a smaller life.
But even when you're good at something, this thought pattern can also cause a wrinkle every now and then if it blocks you from being willing to learn new things and try stuff. Even areas where you already have proven success.
So basically, don't let your belief that you're already good at something block you from learning how to be even better at that thing. We can see that there are a few times and places when this thought pattern can be really useful, but we also need some other thought patterns to kind of round out our toolkit so that we can also pursue interesting things and go after our goals, even if they're things we've never done before.
So what other ways of thinking might be helpful? Well, what if instead of believing that there are things about yourself you can't change, you started believing that you are capable of changing growth in literally any area you want to explore? Now, I want to be clear. This isn't lying to yourself and saying it will be easy or you'll be an expert guitarist in no time.
This is saying, “Wow, I have so much more capacity to learn and do things differently than I ever realized before.” It's saying, “Maybe the effort I put in each day could take me in any direction I want to go in.”
Now, to be very frank, that doesn't mean that the journey will be short. It's just saying to yourself that maybe things are changeable. So as an example, I did go country dancing with my friend that time and decided I like it. I still country dance, and I've become quite good at it over a series of years and probably tens of thousands of hours of country dancing.
But there was also a time when I thought, “I want to become a better singer,” and I have very little natural talent in this area. I took a singing lesson and I thought, “No, I don't think I really want to put in the amount of time and effort and energy.” It's not that I don't believe I could be a good singer. It's that I don't want to invest in that particular goal or dream given the limited amount of time and resources I have on this planet.
So that is still a conversation you'll be having with yourself. “If I could do anything, that doesn't actually mean I will do everything.” This way of thinking is called “growth mindset”. And it hinges on the idea that you can grow, learn, and change.
Growth mindset often feels way better than fixed mindset. And it opens so many doors, but it can also feel quite alien and maybe even scary. Like, if you can change anything, how will you pick what to change? If you could keep going in any direction, how will you ever know what's enough?
Sometimes we hold onto limits because they feel safer. In some ways, cultivating a belief in your capability to go as far as you want means you will have to be the one to decide what to pursue and how far you want to go with it. This new thought pattern is so powerful.
A fixed mindset creates limits. Growth mindset creates possibilities. Growth mindset can boost your courage to take risks and try new things. When you believe you are capable of change, capable of growth, you're no longer limited by your past or the labels you or others have placed on you. You can even see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats to your identity.
Think about it this way. The benefits you thought you were getting from the old mindset — safety, certainty, protection from judgment — those might actually be holding you back while they may feel good in the moment. They may also be keeping you from experiencing the fullness of life and from pursuing goals and dreams that you've been noodling on for years.
If you choose to make the shift to growth mindset, you may start to see that what you thought was protecting you was actually kind of a cage. And when you open that cage, when you allow yourself to believe that you're capable of change, everything else also changes. You start to approach life with curiosity instead of fear.
You become more resilient because you know that setbacks are just part of the process, not a reflection of your worth. And most importantly, you start to move forward on goals, dreams, and ideas that you'd been avoiding, procrastinating, or feeling stuck on.
Let's talk about what happens when you make this shift. When you start believing that you can change, you give yourself permission to try new things, to fail, to learn, to grow. You start setting goals that feel exciting and probably a little scary, because you know that even if you don't achieve them right away, you're growing and evolving in the process.
For example, maybe you've been telling yourself that you're just not good at public speaking. With a fixed mindset, you might avoid opportunities to speak because you believe that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be comfortable in front of a crowd. But with a growth mindset, you start to see those opportunities as chances to learn and improve. You might still feel nervous, but you also know that with practice, you can get better. And guess what? Over time, you will get better.
Or maybe you've been telling yourself that you're too old to start a new career or learn a new skill. The fixed mindset would have you believe that it's too late, you've missed your chance, and you never were going to be able to learn new things anyways.
But growth mindset, it's going to say, “Why not? If I'm willing to put in the effort, I can learn and grow at any age.” And suddenly, that dream of starting a new business or learning to knit doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
So let's bring it all together. The belief that there are things about yourself you can't change might feel safe and familiar, but it could also be what's keeping you from living the life you truly want. By shifting to the belief that you are capable of growth and change in any area you want to explore, you're opening yourself up to a world of possibilities.
You're giving yourself the gift of growth, the freedom to evolve, and the courage to pursue your dreams. This mindset shift is not just about thinking positively, it's about fundamentally changing the way you see yourself and your potential. It's about stepping into your power and taking ownership of your growth. And when you do that, there's no limit to what you can achieve.
So I challenge you to start today. Pick one area of your life where you've been telling yourself that you can't change, maybe it's your career, your relationships, your health, or even your mindset itself, and start asking yourself, “What if I could change? What if I'm capable of growth here?” See what comes up for you and then take one small step in that direction. Remember, growth is a journey, not a destination. And every step you take is a step towards becoming the person you want to be. You are capable of so much more than you think. And I can't wait to see where this new mindset takes you.
If this episode resonates with you and you want to work on your thought and behavior patterns with a trained and certified coach, I'd love to support you on that journey. Reach out and let's have a conversation about working together to get you feeling Satisfied AF because you deserve nothing less.
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Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.KoriLinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
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