87. Expectations
Sometimes, thoughts that sound really good don’t set us up for success. Sometimes they even set us up to fail and feel shitty.
One of the places that such thoughts can backfire is expectations.
You see, an expectation is a kind of thought. A thought about what should happen.
The should in there is the first indicator that this thought might not work out so well.
But sometimes the should is invisible.
Your expectation might look more like a positive intention, such as: it’s going to be a good day.
Sometimes a thought like that can set us up to see all the ways that the day is good.
But sometimes it can set us up to be disappointed if the day contains the bumps and bumbles that are so common to human life.
One thing I’ve realized is that when I have really high expectations for something, I’m often disappointed by the reality. And sometimes when I have low expectations, I’m wowed by what actually happens.
So this begs the question, how do we use our thoughts to set us up for success without making those thoughts into disappointingly high expectations?
That’s exactly what we’re talking about this week on the podcast.
You’ll learn more about why expectations so often leave us feeling unsatisfied and how to choose thoughts that are more useful instead.
Which, of course, will help you create that satisfying AF life and career we’re always talking about around here.
If you want to supercharge your capacity to create a life that blows your mind, I have some one-on-one coaching slots opening up soon. Send me an email and let's talk about it or click here to schedule a call with me and we’ll see if we’re a good fit to start working together!
If there are topics y’all want me to talk about on the podcast, feel free to write in and let me know by clicking here! I’d love to hear from you!
I have a super fun announcement. This July, I’m launching my group coaching program Satisfied AF. It’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever designed in my life, so if you want to come together and be part of a community, build relationships, and figure things out so your life can feel satisfying as f*ck, click here to sign up for a consult.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
What thought work is and what makes a thought useful.
Why it’s impossible to avoid negative emotion and disappointment.
2 reasons why trying to think something new might not be working for you.
Why your expectations of other people or other things are not an agreement, and what that means.
What happens when we get attached to the idea of things being a certain way before we can be happy.
How to see the choices available to you and how you can set expectations that feel yummy to you.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
FEATURED ON THE SHOW:
If you’re enjoying the show, please leave me a rating and review on Apple Podcasts!
Feel free to ask me any questions over on Instagram!
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about expectations.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y'all, Happy Wednesday. This week we're talking about expectations. And I think this is such an interesting topic because in the coaching community there's generally this idea of, it's like sort of a point it where you want it to go with your thoughts and like think thoughts on purpose that set you up to have the experience you want. And I agree with all of that.
But then there's also this other thing, like from my own lived experience, of if I set my expectations too high though, then I'm often disappointed with what actually happens. And sometimes when I have low expectations and just sort of expect something to be like only okay, then sometimes I'm really wowed by what actually happens.
And so this is something that I have given so much thought to over the last several years since I learned about thought work and really thinking about like how do I navigate these two ideas and bring them together? And what's the sweet spot where I can use both of them to have a really delicious time in life and at work?
Okay, so let me give some examples first of all, to explain this. Okay, so let's say that you have a work task, right, some kind of project you need to do. Maybe you've been procrastinating on it, you’re feeling a little stressed about it. So in coaching, if you were in a coaching session with me and you were telling me all that, I might ask you what you would need to think and feel in order to do the work.
So a lot of us we are like avoiding our work when we either think the work is going to be really hard or when we're afraid we won't do the work well enough, stuff like that. So you, if you have a thought coming in like this is going to be hard and terrible and then it won't be good enough anyways, that's not going to motivate you to do the work, right?
That's actually going to probably lead to a lot of procrastination. Why would we do all the effort to do the work if we're not going to be able to do it well enough and it's going to feel terrible? That's not a great sell, right?
So in that case, you might need a more helpful thought like it's possible I can do a good job or I'm just going to do five minutes, or I've done a really good job on stuff like this in the past. We would kind of play around between me and you to figure out what a thought was that's going to work for you.
But one of the things that happens with coaching is when people realize that thoughts are magical and that they create your feelings, and then the actions flow from that and that like whatever you think winds up in your results line. Which there's basically, like I teach this tool called the self-coaching model, which was created by Brooke Castillo. And the idea is basically that thoughts determine everything else.
It doesn't mean, you can just think different thoughts and then not do anything. It's about when you think a certain set of thoughts, what those generate, both in your emotions and your actions, and then the results of those actions. So a lot of times people want to put like, really yummy, delicious, luxurious, like 12 out of 10 things in the thoughts to kind of create that.
But again, something I've observed in my life is if I think a party is going to be amazing, it's just going to be so amazing, a lot of times I go and then I'm like, actually, it was okay, but it wasn't as amazing as my brain thought it would be. So this is really interesting, right? If our thoughts create our results, why does that happen?
And here's my take on that. I think it comes down to a few things. Thing one is a lot of times when we have thoughts like that, that something's going to be amazing and then it's not, first of all, we're expecting the thing to happen to us, right? The party is going to be amazing, which is really different than I'm going to make the party amazing. Or I'm going to make sure I have an amazing time at the party.
So a thought that's really useful is useful because of how we feel when we think it and also what we do when we think it and what we don't do. And that's what, again, creates those results. Whereas sometimes we have thoughts that sound really powerful and sound really positive, but they're not centering us and our power and what we can create for ourselves.
If I keep telling myself the party's going to be so amazing, then the party is what has to deliver the amazingness. If I tell myself I'm going to ensure that I have an amazing time at the party, then I'm going to deliver the amazingness. So then I need to think about generating that feeling of like I'm going to have so much fun because I'm going to make it so much fun. Versus the party is going to be so much fun and then I'm like waiting for the fun to be delivered like it's a pizza.
When we expect the party to be the source of the fun, then we're just like looking at the party like, okay, where's the fun part? Where is it? Whereas when we design our thoughts in ways that center our capacity to create what we want to have in our lives then, I mean, first of all, listen, it's less comfortable because then we're on the hook. But it also gives us so much more power and so much more of an ability to actually create what we want versus, again, waiting for it to be delivered like a pizza.
And when we want things to be delivered like a pizza, sometimes they are. And that's so fun. But in my personal experience a lot of times they're not. And then it's like, I don't know, then we're like, oh, I guess that wasn't as fun as we thought it would be. Or then, we’re disappointed or then we're not getting to have a good time. So in that case, like why not choose to create your own good time, if that's what you want.
Okay, so that's one piece of it. Here's another piece, I think sometimes when we expect something to be really amazing and it's not, it's because we had a perfectionist fantasy about what the thing was going to do for us. So perfectionist fantasy is this idea of Kara Loewentheil of Unfuck Your Brain podcast, and it's such a brilliant idea. She's so brilliant, y’all.
The idea is basically when we have a perfectionist fantasy, it's a fantasy where we expect the thing, whatever the thing is, to solve all of our problems and make us happy all the time. And then somehow we'll be like transcended above the human condition. But that's not a real thing. We're going to be humans in the human condition, even if a party is amazing.
So when we expect something to sort of be transcendent like that, even if it's really amazing, it's not going to solve all of our problems and push us out of the human condition into some other plane where all we experience is positive emotion.
So a lot of times I think it's like we think we're thinking useful thoughts, or being oriented towards where we want to go when we think something's going to be so amazing. But we need to be a little bit mindful that we can have a satisfying as fuck life and career and we're still going to be humans in that.
Which means some days we're not going to sleep well and we're going to be a little bit grumpy and we're going to have the full spectrum of human emotion. And that doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong. It just means that the party, even when it's amazing isn't, you know, it's not going to elevate us past the human condition, probably. If you find a party that does, good for you. Invite us all.
Okay, what else? I think another element here is the idea of attachment. And when we get really attached to things being a certain way so that we can be happy, that kind of fucks us all up, right? So this happens in all kinds of areas. Whether you're like I have to get the promotion to be happy, or you're like I have to have a partner to be happy, or you're like I have to get the sale to be happy. Then if you expect something to go well and it doesn't, it's excruciating.
I think this is sort of related to that perfectionist fantasy. It's like we're pinning all our hopes and dreams on the thing going well. And so while we may have positive sounding thoughts about the thing, like the party is going to be amazing, it's also interlaced with this sort of grippiness and anxiety and this like I need it to be a certain way so I can be okay. And then if it's not, I find it personally is really much harder to recover or bounce back.
Whereas if we're in the headspace of like I'm going to make this party amazing for me even if it doesn't go exactly what I think it will or whatever. Then we're much more flexible about figuring out how to make the party work for us. figuring out how to have fun even if things don't go according to plan.
Another thing I think we need to talk about is a lot of times what we have expectations about is other people. And a lot of times when we have expectations about other people, what we really have is ideas about who they should be that they did not agree to.
As many of y'all know, I've been doing a lot of relationship work with the amazing Maggie Reyes. Alex and I have also been going to couples therapy because she really likes that therapy model. And so I was like I want to hire this coach, and she was like I want to hire this therapist. And we're the kind of people who are like let's do both like, this will be fun, right?
And so we're doing both and it is fun. And it also is bringing up all this interesting stuff, right? Like so many of us with our socialization, we have ideas about who other people should be and how they should behave. And this happens in romantic relationships, like mine and Alex, but it also happens in work relationships.
We have ideas about how our colleagues should be. We have ideas about how bosses should be. We have ideas about how leadership should be. We have ideas about how companies should be. We have ideas about how our clients should be. And if you're a parent, you have ideas about how your kids should be, you probably also have ideas about how your own parents should be.
These are expectations and a lot of times we're not even aware of them, they may be hidden from us. And again, some of them may sound positive, the same way that the party is going to be amazing sounds positive. But then like what are they actually doing for you? How are they actually working?
Are they allowing you to show up in the way that you want and create the life you want no matter where everyone else is doing? Or are they really setting you up to be disappointed unless everyone else does exactly the things you think they should?
Your expectations are not in agreement with anyone else unless you have actually made an agreement. Then you have an agreement. But a lot of us, we have expectations and sometimes we're not even aware of them so we're just like carrying around all these expectations about how people should be.
And then they're not because they have free will, and their own socialization, and their own desires and drives. And then they're doing all this other shit. And then we're like crushed about it. And listen, there's nothing wrong with feeling some negative emotion about that or anything else.
But I think it's going to be so useful for you if you understand why that's happening and that you have so many choices and so much available to you. And you can have a satisfying as fuck life and career, even when other people are doing shit you don't want them to do. And that's great, because in a world of like 8 billion people, a lot of them are not going to behave according to the expectations you would like them to behave according to.
Okay, so let's review. Are your expectations about what should happen? Or are they about a commitment to yourself about what you're going to do? I'm going to say that again. Are your expectations about what you think should happen? Just like outside of you the party should be amazing. Or are they about what you are committed to doing and creating for yourself? I'm going to have a fucking amazing time at the party. I'm going to finish the report. I'm going to make doing the report fun. I'm going to figure this out.
It's interesting because a lot of useful thoughts are about us taking really little baby steps, but in this example I just kind of want to keep circling y’all back to the idea of having fun because I think fun and expectations are something that have kind of a dicey relationship sometimes.
Like I said before, when we expect things to be fun then a lot of times they're not fun because we expected them to be fun. Versus deciding as like a commitment and an intention that we're going to make them fun and we just like expect them to exist. Or even to not exist, maybe we even have to make them, right?
Oh, and it's a little late in the game to say this, but expectations are just thoughts. Expectations are just thoughts you have about the party. Expectations are just thoughts you have about yourself. Expectations are just thoughts you have about other people. And just like other people, you may have expectations of yourself that sound good but are creating a lot of suffering for you.
Like when I was younger, I was like, oh, I just expect that I should be able to sleep three to four hours a night and my body should be fine. And this is like real. When I was in college there was a period of time where I was sleeping like three to four hours a night most nights. I would do a lot of sleeping on the weekend to try to make it up.
My body was like what the actual fuck? And then I got pneumonia. So I expected that I should be able to do that based on like nothing but my own thoughts. Science disagrees, obviously, strongly. And that expectation created a lot of suffering for me.
But when I could create a different expectation or make a different choice, right, choose a different thought on purpose, like I want to give my body all the sleep it desires to function really well, then I don't have to be disappointed when my body doesn't function on three to four hours of sleep. And instead I can orient my life around creating the amount of sleep my body needs because it's an organism and not something I can just control with my desires about how it should behave.
Okay, I think I started reviewing and then got off track. So let's review again. Instead of having expectations about how you want things to be, try having expectations about what you're going to create. How you're going to show up. How you're going to make it fun. How you're going to make it happen. How you're going to be gentle with yourself. How you're going to take small steps until it's done.
I get the desire to want everything else to like sort itself out, to want the party to be what creates the fun. But that puts all your power outside of yourself. So you're allowed to do it, just I don't think it's super fun and I don't think it's going to help you create a satisfying as fuck life.
That being said, if you want to go that route something that can be helpful is also just non-attachment. Like I'm willing for the party to be fun and I'm willing for the party to not be fun, and I'm not going to be grippy about it. And if it doesn't deliver fun to me, that's okay, I'm not going to like do all the effort to make it fun for myself. I'm just going to be here with what is.
And then you are in a space where maybe it's meh or maybe it blows you away and it is fun and you didn't have to create it all. I do think that happens sometimes and I do think that's available. And it's much more available when we have that non-attachment.
And then the third thing to keep in mind is that perfectionist fantasy idea. If you have the expectation that something else is going to solve all your problems and elevate you out of the human condition, that is a blinking red light of an indicator that you're going to be upset later because nothing in life is going to do that for you.
There is no thing that’s going to rescue you from the human condition. And you don't need rescuing from the human condition because you have the capacity to show up and handle it and feel the feelings. That's what we're doing in this incarnation. I don't always like it either, but when I think it shouldn't be that way, I suffer more.
And listen, sometimes I suffer more because I think it shouldn't be that way. I'm just telling you what I know. It's not about being perfect. It's just about learning some shit that can be useful and help you create more of what you want in life. Because a lot of times I want life to be fun and joyful and interesting.
And when I think life should deliver that, then I'm just like looking around for where life's going to deliver it. But when I'm like, cool, I can create that and that's available a lot of the time, then I can have more of that. And that's super fun.
So this is probably not a typical teaching on expectations, but I think it's really useful. So take it to heart and see what kind of shifts and changes you can make in your life. And see how you can bring your life more in alignment with the idea that being like delicious, juicy, fucking satisfying as fuck when you use what I've taught you today.
And then come and tell me about it because I love to hear about when y'all implement the things I teach on the podcast. I actually got an Instagram DM the other day from someone who was like, “Thank you so much, the podcast is amazing.” And you're welcome. I'm so, so, so glad it's useful.
And if you want to take this work deeper, come get on a consult with me. Let's spend 45 minutes together in a deep dive on your brain and see what's going on in there. And then if it seems like a good fit, I will tell you how we can work together. All right, that's what I got for y'all today. I love you, have a great week. I'll talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y'all, Happy Wednesday. This week we're talking about expectations. And I think this is such an interesting topic because in the coaching community there's generally this idea of, it's like sort of a point it where you want it to go with your thoughts and like think thoughts on purpose that set you up to have the experience you want. And I agree with all of that.
But then there's also this other thing, like from my own lived experience, of if I set my expectations too high though, then I'm often disappointed with what actually happens. And sometimes when I have low expectations and just sort of expect something to be like only okay, then sometimes I'm really wowed by what actually happens.
And so this is something that I have given so much thought to over the last several years since I learned about thought work and really thinking about like how do I navigate these two ideas and bring them together? And what's the sweet spot where I can use both of them to have a really delicious time in life and at work?
Okay, so let me give some examples first of all, to explain this. Okay, so let's say that you have a work task, right, some kind of project you need to do. Maybe you've been procrastinating on it, you’re feeling a little stressed about it. So in coaching, if you were in a coaching session with me and you were telling me all that, I might ask you what you would need to think and feel in order to do the work.
So a lot of us we are like avoiding our work when we either think the work is going to be really hard or when we're afraid we won't do the work well enough, stuff like that. So you, if you have a thought coming in like this is going to be hard and terrible and then it won't be good enough anyways, that's not going to motivate you to do the work, right?
That's actually going to probably lead to a lot of procrastination. Why would we do all the effort to do the work if we're not going to be able to do it well enough and it's going to feel terrible? That's not a great sell, right?
So in that case, you might need a more helpful thought like it's possible I can do a good job or I'm just going to do five minutes, or I've done a really good job on stuff like this in the past. We would kind of play around between me and you to figure out what a thought was that's going to work for you.
But one of the things that happens with coaching is when people realize that thoughts are magical and that they create your feelings, and then the actions flow from that and that like whatever you think winds up in your results line. Which there's basically, like I teach this tool called the self-coaching model, which was created by Brooke Castillo. And the idea is basically that thoughts determine everything else.
It doesn't mean, you can just think different thoughts and then not do anything. It's about when you think a certain set of thoughts, what those generate, both in your emotions and your actions, and then the results of those actions. So a lot of times people want to put like, really yummy, delicious, luxurious, like 12 out of 10 things in the thoughts to kind of create that.
But again, something I've observed in my life is if I think a party is going to be amazing, it's just going to be so amazing, a lot of times I go and then I'm like, actually, it was okay, but it wasn't as amazing as my brain thought it would be. So this is really interesting, right? If our thoughts create our results, why does that happen?
And here's my take on that. I think it comes down to a few things. Thing one is a lot of times when we have thoughts like that, that something's going to be amazing and then it's not, first of all, we're expecting the thing to happen to us, right? The party is going to be amazing, which is really different than I'm going to make the party amazing. Or I'm going to make sure I have an amazing time at the party.
So a thought that's really useful is useful because of how we feel when we think it and also what we do when we think it and what we don't do. And that's what, again, creates those results. Whereas sometimes we have thoughts that sound really powerful and sound really positive, but they're not centering us and our power and what we can create for ourselves.
If I keep telling myself the party's going to be so amazing, then the party is what has to deliver the amazingness. If I tell myself I'm going to ensure that I have an amazing time at the party, then I'm going to deliver the amazingness. So then I need to think about generating that feeling of like I'm going to have so much fun because I'm going to make it so much fun. Versus the party is going to be so much fun and then I'm like waiting for the fun to be delivered like it's a pizza.
When we expect the party to be the source of the fun, then we're just like looking at the party like, okay, where's the fun part? Where is it? Whereas when we design our thoughts in ways that center our capacity to create what we want to have in our lives then, I mean, first of all, listen, it's less comfortable because then we're on the hook. But it also gives us so much more power and so much more of an ability to actually create what we want versus, again, waiting for it to be delivered like a pizza.
And when we want things to be delivered like a pizza, sometimes they are. And that's so fun. But in my personal experience a lot of times they're not. And then it's like, I don't know, then we're like, oh, I guess that wasn't as fun as we thought it would be. Or then, we’re disappointed or then we're not getting to have a good time. So in that case, like why not choose to create your own good time, if that's what you want.
Okay, so that's one piece of it. Here's another piece, I think sometimes when we expect something to be really amazing and it's not, it's because we had a perfectionist fantasy about what the thing was going to do for us. So perfectionist fantasy is this idea of Kara Loewentheil of Unfuck Your Brain podcast, and it's such a brilliant idea. She's so brilliant, y’all.
The idea is basically when we have a perfectionist fantasy, it's a fantasy where we expect the thing, whatever the thing is, to solve all of our problems and make us happy all the time. And then somehow we'll be like transcended above the human condition. But that's not a real thing. We're going to be humans in the human condition, even if a party is amazing.
So when we expect something to sort of be transcendent like that, even if it's really amazing, it's not going to solve all of our problems and push us out of the human condition into some other plane where all we experience is positive emotion.
So a lot of times I think it's like we think we're thinking useful thoughts, or being oriented towards where we want to go when we think something's going to be so amazing. But we need to be a little bit mindful that we can have a satisfying as fuck life and career and we're still going to be humans in that.
Which means some days we're not going to sleep well and we're going to be a little bit grumpy and we're going to have the full spectrum of human emotion. And that doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong. It just means that the party, even when it's amazing isn't, you know, it's not going to elevate us past the human condition, probably. If you find a party that does, good for you. Invite us all.
Okay, what else? I think another element here is the idea of attachment. And when we get really attached to things being a certain way so that we can be happy, that kind of fucks us all up, right? So this happens in all kinds of areas. Whether you're like I have to get the promotion to be happy, or you're like I have to have a partner to be happy, or you're like I have to get the sale to be happy. Then if you expect something to go well and it doesn't, it's excruciating.
I think this is sort of related to that perfectionist fantasy. It's like we're pinning all our hopes and dreams on the thing going well. And so while we may have positive sounding thoughts about the thing, like the party is going to be amazing, it's also interlaced with this sort of grippiness and anxiety and this like I need it to be a certain way so I can be okay. And then if it's not, I find it personally is really much harder to recover or bounce back.
Whereas if we're in the headspace of like I'm going to make this party amazing for me even if it doesn't go exactly what I think it will or whatever. Then we're much more flexible about figuring out how to make the party work for us. figuring out how to have fun even if things don't go according to plan.
Another thing I think we need to talk about is a lot of times what we have expectations about is other people. And a lot of times when we have expectations about other people, what we really have is ideas about who they should be that they did not agree to.
As many of y'all know, I've been doing a lot of relationship work with the amazing Maggie Reyes. Alex and I have also been going to couples therapy because she really likes that therapy model. And so I was like I want to hire this coach, and she was like I want to hire this therapist. And we're the kind of people who are like let's do both like, this will be fun, right?
And so we're doing both and it is fun. And it also is bringing up all this interesting stuff, right? Like so many of us with our socialization, we have ideas about who other people should be and how they should behave. And this happens in romantic relationships, like mine and Alex, but it also happens in work relationships.
We have ideas about how our colleagues should be. We have ideas about how bosses should be. We have ideas about how leadership should be. We have ideas about how companies should be. We have ideas about how our clients should be. And if you're a parent, you have ideas about how your kids should be, you probably also have ideas about how your own parents should be.
These are expectations and a lot of times we're not even aware of them, they may be hidden from us. And again, some of them may sound positive, the same way that the party is going to be amazing sounds positive. But then like what are they actually doing for you? How are they actually working?
Are they allowing you to show up in the way that you want and create the life you want no matter where everyone else is doing? Or are they really setting you up to be disappointed unless everyone else does exactly the things you think they should?
Your expectations are not in agreement with anyone else unless you have actually made an agreement. Then you have an agreement. But a lot of us, we have expectations and sometimes we're not even aware of them so we're just like carrying around all these expectations about how people should be.
And then they're not because they have free will, and their own socialization, and their own desires and drives. And then they're doing all this other shit. And then we're like crushed about it. And listen, there's nothing wrong with feeling some negative emotion about that or anything else.
But I think it's going to be so useful for you if you understand why that's happening and that you have so many choices and so much available to you. And you can have a satisfying as fuck life and career, even when other people are doing shit you don't want them to do. And that's great, because in a world of like 8 billion people, a lot of them are not going to behave according to the expectations you would like them to behave according to.
Okay, so let's review. Are your expectations about what should happen? Or are they about a commitment to yourself about what you're going to do? I'm going to say that again. Are your expectations about what you think should happen? Just like outside of you the party should be amazing. Or are they about what you are committed to doing and creating for yourself? I'm going to have a fucking amazing time at the party. I'm going to finish the report. I'm going to make doing the report fun. I'm going to figure this out.
It's interesting because a lot of useful thoughts are about us taking really little baby steps, but in this example I just kind of want to keep circling y’all back to the idea of having fun because I think fun and expectations are something that have kind of a dicey relationship sometimes.
Like I said before, when we expect things to be fun then a lot of times they're not fun because we expected them to be fun. Versus deciding as like a commitment and an intention that we're going to make them fun and we just like expect them to exist. Or even to not exist, maybe we even have to make them, right?
Oh, and it's a little late in the game to say this, but expectations are just thoughts. Expectations are just thoughts you have about the party. Expectations are just thoughts you have about yourself. Expectations are just thoughts you have about other people. And just like other people, you may have expectations of yourself that sound good but are creating a lot of suffering for you.
Like when I was younger, I was like, oh, I just expect that I should be able to sleep three to four hours a night and my body should be fine. And this is like real. When I was in college there was a period of time where I was sleeping like three to four hours a night most nights. I would do a lot of sleeping on the weekend to try to make it up.
My body was like what the actual fuck? And then I got pneumonia. So I expected that I should be able to do that based on like nothing but my own thoughts. Science disagrees, obviously, strongly. And that expectation created a lot of suffering for me.
But when I could create a different expectation or make a different choice, right, choose a different thought on purpose, like I want to give my body all the sleep it desires to function really well, then I don't have to be disappointed when my body doesn't function on three to four hours of sleep. And instead I can orient my life around creating the amount of sleep my body needs because it's an organism and not something I can just control with my desires about how it should behave.
Okay, I think I started reviewing and then got off track. So let's review again. Instead of having expectations about how you want things to be, try having expectations about what you're going to create. How you're going to show up. How you're going to make it fun. How you're going to make it happen. How you're going to be gentle with yourself. How you're going to take small steps until it's done.
I get the desire to want everything else to like sort itself out, to want the party to be what creates the fun. But that puts all your power outside of yourself. So you're allowed to do it, just I don't think it's super fun and I don't think it's going to help you create a satisfying as fuck life.
That being said, if you want to go that route something that can be helpful is also just non-attachment. Like I'm willing for the party to be fun and I'm willing for the party to not be fun, and I'm not going to be grippy about it. And if it doesn't deliver fun to me, that's okay, I'm not going to like do all the effort to make it fun for myself. I'm just going to be here with what is.
And then you are in a space where maybe it's meh or maybe it blows you away and it is fun and you didn't have to create it all. I do think that happens sometimes and I do think that's available. And it's much more available when we have that non-attachment.
And then the third thing to keep in mind is that perfectionist fantasy idea. If you have the expectation that something else is going to solve all your problems and elevate you out of the human condition, that is a blinking red light of an indicator that you're going to be upset later because nothing in life is going to do that for you.
There is no thing that’s going to rescue you from the human condition. And you don't need rescuing from the human condition because you have the capacity to show up and handle it and feel the feelings. That's what we're doing in this incarnation. I don't always like it either, but when I think it shouldn't be that way, I suffer more.
And listen, sometimes I suffer more because I think it shouldn't be that way. I'm just telling you what I know. It's not about being perfect. It's just about learning some shit that can be useful and help you create more of what you want in life. Because a lot of times I want life to be fun and joyful and interesting.
And when I think life should deliver that, then I'm just like looking around for where life's going to deliver it. But when I'm like, cool, I can create that and that's available a lot of the time, then I can have more of that. And that's super fun.
So this is probably not a typical teaching on expectations, but I think it's really useful. So take it to heart and see what kind of shifts and changes you can make in your life. And see how you can bring your life more in alignment with the idea that being like delicious, juicy, fucking satisfying as fuck when you use what I've taught you today.
And then come and tell me about it because I love to hear about when y'all implement the things I teach on the podcast. I actually got an Instagram DM the other day from someone who was like, “Thank you so much, the podcast is amazing.” And you're welcome. I'm so, so, so glad it's useful.
And if you want to take this work deeper, come get on a consult with me. Let's spend 45 minutes together in a deep dive on your brain and see what's going on in there. And then if it seems like a good fit, I will tell you how we can work together. All right, that's what I got for y'all today. I love you, have a great week. I'll talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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