89. Behavioral and Emotional Mirroring
Have you ever noticed yourself matching someone else’s actions or emotions?
Maybe they’re angry, and you find yourself feeling angry, too.
Or maybe they’re crying, and you feel your eyes prick with the sting of oncoming tears.
This is pretty common for humans, and it’s called mirroring.
We can mirror actions. We can also mirror emotions.
But here’s the interesting part: what we mirror isn’t necessarily the other person’s true experience. What we mirror is what we perceive to be true.
If we think someone is being rude to us (no matter what’s actually going on with them or what their intentions are), we may be rude back, either in real life, or inside our heads.
When we mirror, we mirror our perception of the other person’s behavior, no matter what the underlying reality is.
And here’s another layer: we don’t have to engage in mirroring, but it’s often subconscious, so we may be doing it without even meaning to.
So we may be rude in our heads or out of our mouths without meaning to or realizing that we’re mirroring our perception, if we think the other person is being rude to us.
Sometimes we may feel fine about mirroring or it may even be something we want to do.
But sometimes, we’d like to show up differently than how we perceive the other person to show up, and in order to do so, we need to be able to see mirroring impulses and sidestep them for more intentional choices.
So, tune in this week to discover how to understand behavioral and emotional mirroring, so you can decide how you want to respond to others instead of getting stuck in subconscious, unchosen emotional and behavioral reactions.
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
Why what we perceive about other people colors how we show up, unless we slow it down and make a choice.
How slowing down and making a choice allows you to decide who you want to be in any situation.
Examples from my own relationship about how mirroring shows up day-to-day.
How mirroring shows up in work situations, how some people do it on purpose, and others do it without realizing.
Why you shouldn’t beat yourself up for not catching mirroring in the moment.
The way we even mirror our past selves and what we believe about who we were.
How to pause and choose how you want to respond instead of reacting with unquestioned mirroring.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about behavioral and emotional mirroring.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y'all, Happy Wednesday. I probably don't sound as happy as normal, and quite frankly I'm not. It's probably been a few weeks for you now hearing the podcast, but for me and my timeline the Supreme Court decision that was previously leaked that impacts Roe versus Wade dropped on Friday. And I'm pretty upset about it. And the Supreme Court has also been making a lot of other decisions that I'm also pretty disappointed about and feeling very upset about.
And I'm thinking a lot personally about what actions I want to take, getting in touch with representatives, donating money, and just thinking deeply about what's happening in the country I live in, the United States, and what kind of impact I want to have on that. What kind of things I want to do, and by things I guess I really mean like what kind of activism I want to do, what kind of citizen I want to be in this country right now.
And there's also been a lot of grieving. Recently we had the podcast about like when things feel fucked and so feel free to return to that if you're feeling like I'm feeling, if you're feeling overwhelmed or upset, or ragey. Or honestly, whatever feeling you're feeling, that podcast can be really helpful.
And I think that a lot of the stuff I teach on the podcast can be useful for this moment in figuring out how to navigate this and who you want to be in reflection to it. What you want to do, and how to fuel yourself positively in a world that you may be feeling a lot of rage and grief about.
But that's not actually what we're talking about today. Although I think what we're talking about today will still be useful for this kind of stuff. So the topic I want to talk about today is mirroring. And so this can be emotional mirroring, it can be behavioral mirroring.
And specifically what I want to talk about is the way that whatever we perceive about someone else, if we're not aware and choosing who we're going to be and how we're going to show up, we may mirror that person. And so there can be upsides and downsides to this. And a lot of it’s subconscious until you realize.
So as an example, if you think someone else is wonderful and fun, you may notice yourself being wonderful and fun with that person. It's like we perceive them as being wonderful and fun and that kind of feels really good to us, and so then we can show up in a way that also could be described as wonderful and fun to our own experience. How other people perceive us is obviously outside of our control.
And then the opposite can also happen. Like if we think someone else is being rude and disrespectful, sometimes we may then feel the urge to be rude and disrespectful back. And again, rude, and disrespectful according to our own definition of it, not according to what the other person is going to perceive.
And I think it's really impactful to know about this tendency, and honestly, this may be related to mirror neurons but I'm not really sure, so I don't know the science here. But what I do know is the lived experience and what I've seen coaching tons of clients over many years.
And I just want to be clear that I'm not saying you should take the high road. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be rude or disrespectful according to your own standards. I just want to point out the pattern so that you can decide on purpose what you want to do and then have your own back about doing that.
I mentioned, I think, in another podcast a long time ago I coached a client once about the idea of like taking the high road. And I was like, isn't it interesting how the people who are often socialized to take the high road are people with marginalized identities?
So I'm not necessarily a fan of that as a thought framework because I think sometimes when we say to ourselves, I should take the high road, what we really mean is like I should be the bigger person or I'm not going to bring this up even though I don't think it's okay or just. And so that's not what I'm suggesting at all.
What I am suggesting is that what we perceive about other people colors our emotional experience and colors how we show up unless we slow that down and then make choices. And I'm a fan of slowing down and making choices just so that we get to decide who we're being, right?
And I think it can apply for either one, because in the one minute of research that I was doing before I started recording this podcast it talked about how mirroring and mimicry can be a tactic that people use if they want to build rapport with you. It can be a tactic that they use if they want to seem charismatic to you.
And that can be a beautiful thing and lead to great connections. And it also can be a way that people can get taken advantage of. So being able to see like, oh, look, my brain perceives they're friendly and then my brain wants to be friendly back. Obviously, I'm a big fan of being friendly, but it can also be important to pause and be like, wait, do I like what's happening here? Am I being how I want to be? Or am I being the way I think I have to be to be friendly and polite?
And then it is also in the other case, if the other person is doing something that we don't like. So I've seen this happen with myself so many times in my relationship with my partner, and I'm going to use that example because I love Alex and think she's a wonderful person. And we're both humans over here, so sometimes she says stuff in a tone of voice that I'm not a fan of, right?
But what I've noticed is if I'm judging her tone of voice, like if I have the thought that she's being unkind and I don't check that and go like, okay, I maybe want to talk to her about that tone of voice or about if I perceive it's being unkind, but do I want to do it in an unkind way myself because of that mirroring? Usually, I don't.
If I have the self-control, and the willpower, and the intentionality, and mindfulness in that moment to notice that, then I'm probably like, I need to like take a step back and think about who I want to be. Even if I want to talk about an observable behavior that's not working for me or that I don't like. And I put all those caveats in there because I'm a human just like y'all.
So sometimes I don't realize my own perceptions and I do the mirroring. And then it's like later I'm like, why did I fucking do that? Why did I act like that? That's not who I want to be as a person or that didn't feel good to me. Why did I do that? And so I'm definitely not always catching this in the moment. And so don't beat yourself up if you don't either. Don't beat yourself up in general, but definitely don't beat yourself up for that.
Okay, so how is this related to work? Well, in work stuff I think it can happen either way, right? If someone is using mirroring to try to get us to do something at work we don't want to do, then it's useful to notice like, oh, I may feel compelled in a weird subtle way to say yes to something or do something I don't want to do. And so you can check in and be like, oh, is this a mirroring thing? And do I want to step out of that mirroring?
So mirroring, again, is something that so often happens subconsciously. And so much of what coaching is about is about taking stuff that we do or that happens subconsciously, and bringing it up to the conscious level so that we can make choices about it.
So we can make choices like if it's subconscious belief systems that are rooted in patriarchy, white supremacy, ableism, we may want to say like, I'm going to divest from that way of thinking. Or if it's subconscious behavior of like, oh, I have to be polite or I have to mirror because this person is being kind, I have to say yes, even if I don't want to, we just want to bring that up to the conscious level so then we can make a choice about what we're going to do.
And then no matter what choice we make, we can have our own back and love ourselves and know that maybe it worked out exactly the way we wanted and maybe it didn't, but we're imperfect humans and we can still love ourselves.
So again, mirroring is something that someone else may do, and they may be doing it on purpose. And they may be doing it without realizing it, because a lot of stuff humans do, like a lot of humans are just acting out their own subconscious programming, their own socialized conditioning.
So it's not even that we necessarily have to think other people are doing something wrong or being bad. It's just about like we don't have to mirror them no matter what they're doing. And we always get to choose what we're going to do.
So if they're doing something and we think we have to behave a certain way back, it's just a moment to pause and be like, wait, what do I actually want here? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to have happen?
And then the one I see actually, a lot more common is that someone else is going to behave in a way that doesn't meet our standards. And there's that part of us inside of us that's like, fuck you, I’m going to be pissed, I'm going to be like, whatever. I know that feeling so well because it's a feeling that I used to experience a lot. And I still experience a lot, but I do have a different relationship to it now with all the coaching tools.
And then a lot has come down in stature quite a bit. But it's still one I'm very familiar with and I just think that's a moment to pause and think about, like I almost think about like I'm so powerful that you can't control me by how you're being. And I like that frame because it empowers me and it re-centers me in my own journey of who do I want to be? Not like, well they started it, or it's not fair, or they deserve blah, blah, blah.
It's like I talked about this example before that I saw this video and it was about like, the best self-defense move is to not have the fight with somebody. Because if you're having to fight with somebody, first of all, you’ve got to fight better, but also if you hurt them, then you could be in a lot of legal trouble. And so the best self-defense move is de-escalation. I forgot that word a minute ago, but then I remembered.
So being able to de-escalate the fight, and so many people don't want to do this because they get that like righteous indignation of like, well, you fucking started it and I'm going to finish it or like you deserve this. And I'm not arguing with you about that, I have no opinion about that, that's for you to decide.
The only thing I want to point out is just I want you to get to have as much of the life that you want as you can. And sometimes when we do that mirroring, when we're reactive versus choosing on purpose who we want to be in that moment, we actually get less of what we want because our brain has taken this in this sideways direction of like, well, they started it, we're matching them, like we have to do what they're doing.
And I just think that's something to be aware of. This world is full of a bunch of bullshit, and it's imperfect, and terrible stuff is happening all the time. And I'm sad about that. And also, I still believe you can have an incredible experience and have a huge impact on the world.
And so if that's what you want, I want to help you be able to have that, knowing that lots of other adult humans, and child humans probably, but let's talk about adult humans. Lots of other adult humans are going to behave in ways you don't like. And you're always allowed to do whatever you want in response to that, but I want you to see that choice, that you have a choice in how you respond to that, and you don't have to just mirror them.
Just because what they're doing is rude, or disrespectful, or hurtful, or harmful, you don't have to join them in that energy. But there will probably be a part of you that will feel compelled to do that. And not because you're bad. Again, because like that's part of being a social mammal species, I think.
I'm a layperson, I'm not an expert in being a social mammal. Although I do personally have 38 years of experience in it. That's what I chalk it up to, is being a social mammal and just realizing that I get to decide is so powerful, and has allowed me to make choices in situations that have led to more of what I want versus more of whatever the other person was doing.
And again, I don't think we should underestimate the other side of it either, that sometimes people are going to be behaving in a way that maybe feels really nice and wonderful, but then they may ask for something that you don't want to give or doesn't feel good to you to give. Or they may ask you to do extra work, or they may ask you to like cover for them with a boss and you may want to be able to step out of that, which seems like positive mirroring also.
I've had situations like this before where I had really good friends who asked me to do stuff that I was like, this feels wrong, this doesn't feel good or ethical or who I want to be as a person, and I felt really conflicted because I really liked them as people.
And honestly, I'm sure I've been that person for other people too. I'm sure there are times when I wanted someone to do something for me or to go along with something with me that they didn't want to do. And I probably did lean on that like, we're friends, because I was younger and didn't know a lot of the stuff I know now.
So if you've also been that person, I personally think it's okay to forgive yourself and learn from it. And I think that actually is really useful. I think sometimes when we struggle with other people, it's also because we've done the thing that other people have done and we're struggling with forgiving ourselves for being human.
So let me just say this isn't actually a podcast about forgiveness, and you don't have to forgive anybody. You don't have to forgive yourself either. But I think it's useful in a very pragmatic way to be able to do that because it's really hard to give yourself the space to learn and grow and become more of who you want to be if you never let go of the things you did before that now don't align to your current values and vision for yourself.
I would say there's probably no humans who don't have things they've done that didn't align, or don't have things they've done that don't align to their current values. And sometimes even as we're doing things we know they don't align to our values. And that's not perfect, it's not who I want to be to have moments like that. But I think it's just part of what we're doing here as human beings.
That's a bit of a tangent and a bit off topic, but I do think it's important because I think a lot of times people with really high standards aren't just struggling with other people, we're also struggling with ourselves and the highest standards we have for ourselves that we're just like never actually able to live up to because they're impossible.
I should probably do a whole other episode on high standards because I've learned so much about those and how they can be a weapon even when they seem like something that's helping us. But we're not going to go too much into that today.
Also, I just had a realization like right now recording this that I think even the way we look at ourselves can have an element of mirroring, right? Like if we see something in our own past, like I was just thinking of in that weird, very vague example. Like if we see things from our own past where we're like, oh, past me, like didn't live up to my standards. That is another area where we maybe do mirroring where we're looking at our past self and seeing the way our past self doesn't measure up to who we want to be.
And then the way we're being as a person now towards our past self mirrors the way, like what we perceive about that past self, right? Like I perceive that sometimes my past self wasn't a great friend. And when I perceive that and I live inside of that and I mirror that, instead of pausing to be intentional, then I'm not a great friend to myself right now.
And I'm also not a great friend to that past self who fucked things up, and also did really beautiful, wonderful things. She was neither 100% good, nor 100% bad. She was neither 100% living up to my values, nor 100% fucking them up, actually.
So that's such a fun, interesting point. The mirroring is everywhere, y'all. And this is what I love, well, one of many things I love about coaching and thought work is that there's always deeper and deeper layers of this work to get to in things. You can be doing a podcast and teaching on something and suddenly have a moment where you understand it at a deeper level. And that's just so fucking fun.
I love that, thank you for having this conversation with me. And I know y'all are out in the world listening to this later, but I really do feel like it's a conversation. And I feel like my understanding of my own work deepens by having these conversations with all of you. So thank you for that. I appreciate all of you so much.
Okay, so let's review. When I'm talking about emotional and behavioral mirroring, what I'm talking about is that whatever you perceive, consciously or subconsciously, other people as doing, you may subconsciously start mirroring them. And that may be fine and dandy and super fun and a great thing.
Or it may have you doing stuff you don't want to do, which could be giving things you don't want to give, saying yes to things you don't want to say yes to. Or it could be behaving in ways that actually don't align with your values because what you're perceiving about the other person is that they're behaving in ways that don't align with your values. And, again, this is not to judge or shame ourselves for any of it.
And I would invite you to have compassion for yourself and for the way that a lot of this is happening subconsciously and you're not even aware of it. It's not even about judging or shaming the other person, it's about understanding that this is something that happens at a subconscious level, and then bringing that up to consciousness and then deciding if it's what you want to do and who you want to be, or if there's something else you want to do and something else you want to be.
I feel like so often in life, we feel like we don't have choices, or that our hand is being forced, or that we simply have to do things a certain way because of the circumstances. And I really deeply get that. And also I don't think it's true and I don't want to subscribe to it because I want to empower you. And I want you to feel empowered, and be empowered to create more of what you want at work, in your lives, in every area.
And I just think so much more is available for you than you may realize and that being able to step out of mirroring is one way for you to get and create and have more of what you want and to create the impact you want to create on the world, right?
To circle back to what we started this podcast talking about and the things that are happening politically in the country where I live. And I'm sure there are things happening where you live too, wherever that is. Sometimes we also have to step out of mirroring in order to do something about that, or in order to show up the way we want to.
And it's not that we have to, it's just that I just want you to see that that's an option too. If you're like, oh look, I want a mirror and I'm going to fucking do it and I know I'm doing it, and I'm going to have my own back about it and I'm not going to beat myself up later, fucking have at it. I just want you to see all of your options, not just the ones you've been conditioned to see, and not just the ones that you're going to feel compelled to do because you're a social mammal.
All right, that's what I got for y'all this week, have an incredible week, if possible. Take care of yourselves, be excellent to yourselves. And let me know what you want to hear me talk about on the podcast in the future. And if you want to take this work deeper, if you want to have conversations like these all about your own thing, whatever is going on with you every week, come have a consult with me.
First of all, we'll take the time on the consult to really dig into what's going on with you. We're going to create some helpful stuff right in there. And then if it seems like a good fit, I'll tell you how I'm working with clients. All right, y'all, I love you. Have a great week if you can. Talk to you soon, bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y'all, Happy Wednesday. I probably don't sound as happy as normal, and quite frankly I'm not. It's probably been a few weeks for you now hearing the podcast, but for me and my timeline the Supreme Court decision that was previously leaked that impacts Roe versus Wade dropped on Friday. And I'm pretty upset about it. And the Supreme Court has also been making a lot of other decisions that I'm also pretty disappointed about and feeling very upset about.
And I'm thinking a lot personally about what actions I want to take, getting in touch with representatives, donating money, and just thinking deeply about what's happening in the country I live in, the United States, and what kind of impact I want to have on that. What kind of things I want to do, and by things I guess I really mean like what kind of activism I want to do, what kind of citizen I want to be in this country right now.
And there's also been a lot of grieving. Recently we had the podcast about like when things feel fucked and so feel free to return to that if you're feeling like I'm feeling, if you're feeling overwhelmed or upset, or ragey. Or honestly, whatever feeling you're feeling, that podcast can be really helpful.
And I think that a lot of the stuff I teach on the podcast can be useful for this moment in figuring out how to navigate this and who you want to be in reflection to it. What you want to do, and how to fuel yourself positively in a world that you may be feeling a lot of rage and grief about.
But that's not actually what we're talking about today. Although I think what we're talking about today will still be useful for this kind of stuff. So the topic I want to talk about today is mirroring. And so this can be emotional mirroring, it can be behavioral mirroring.
And specifically what I want to talk about is the way that whatever we perceive about someone else, if we're not aware and choosing who we're going to be and how we're going to show up, we may mirror that person. And so there can be upsides and downsides to this. And a lot of it’s subconscious until you realize.
So as an example, if you think someone else is wonderful and fun, you may notice yourself being wonderful and fun with that person. It's like we perceive them as being wonderful and fun and that kind of feels really good to us, and so then we can show up in a way that also could be described as wonderful and fun to our own experience. How other people perceive us is obviously outside of our control.
And then the opposite can also happen. Like if we think someone else is being rude and disrespectful, sometimes we may then feel the urge to be rude and disrespectful back. And again, rude, and disrespectful according to our own definition of it, not according to what the other person is going to perceive.
And I think it's really impactful to know about this tendency, and honestly, this may be related to mirror neurons but I'm not really sure, so I don't know the science here. But what I do know is the lived experience and what I've seen coaching tons of clients over many years.
And I just want to be clear that I'm not saying you should take the high road. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be rude or disrespectful according to your own standards. I just want to point out the pattern so that you can decide on purpose what you want to do and then have your own back about doing that.
I mentioned, I think, in another podcast a long time ago I coached a client once about the idea of like taking the high road. And I was like, isn't it interesting how the people who are often socialized to take the high road are people with marginalized identities?
So I'm not necessarily a fan of that as a thought framework because I think sometimes when we say to ourselves, I should take the high road, what we really mean is like I should be the bigger person or I'm not going to bring this up even though I don't think it's okay or just. And so that's not what I'm suggesting at all.
What I am suggesting is that what we perceive about other people colors our emotional experience and colors how we show up unless we slow that down and then make choices. And I'm a fan of slowing down and making choices just so that we get to decide who we're being, right?
And I think it can apply for either one, because in the one minute of research that I was doing before I started recording this podcast it talked about how mirroring and mimicry can be a tactic that people use if they want to build rapport with you. It can be a tactic that they use if they want to seem charismatic to you.
And that can be a beautiful thing and lead to great connections. And it also can be a way that people can get taken advantage of. So being able to see like, oh, look, my brain perceives they're friendly and then my brain wants to be friendly back. Obviously, I'm a big fan of being friendly, but it can also be important to pause and be like, wait, do I like what's happening here? Am I being how I want to be? Or am I being the way I think I have to be to be friendly and polite?
And then it is also in the other case, if the other person is doing something that we don't like. So I've seen this happen with myself so many times in my relationship with my partner, and I'm going to use that example because I love Alex and think she's a wonderful person. And we're both humans over here, so sometimes she says stuff in a tone of voice that I'm not a fan of, right?
But what I've noticed is if I'm judging her tone of voice, like if I have the thought that she's being unkind and I don't check that and go like, okay, I maybe want to talk to her about that tone of voice or about if I perceive it's being unkind, but do I want to do it in an unkind way myself because of that mirroring? Usually, I don't.
If I have the self-control, and the willpower, and the intentionality, and mindfulness in that moment to notice that, then I'm probably like, I need to like take a step back and think about who I want to be. Even if I want to talk about an observable behavior that's not working for me or that I don't like. And I put all those caveats in there because I'm a human just like y'all.
So sometimes I don't realize my own perceptions and I do the mirroring. And then it's like later I'm like, why did I fucking do that? Why did I act like that? That's not who I want to be as a person or that didn't feel good to me. Why did I do that? And so I'm definitely not always catching this in the moment. And so don't beat yourself up if you don't either. Don't beat yourself up in general, but definitely don't beat yourself up for that.
Okay, so how is this related to work? Well, in work stuff I think it can happen either way, right? If someone is using mirroring to try to get us to do something at work we don't want to do, then it's useful to notice like, oh, I may feel compelled in a weird subtle way to say yes to something or do something I don't want to do. And so you can check in and be like, oh, is this a mirroring thing? And do I want to step out of that mirroring?
So mirroring, again, is something that so often happens subconsciously. And so much of what coaching is about is about taking stuff that we do or that happens subconsciously, and bringing it up to the conscious level so that we can make choices about it.
So we can make choices like if it's subconscious belief systems that are rooted in patriarchy, white supremacy, ableism, we may want to say like, I'm going to divest from that way of thinking. Or if it's subconscious behavior of like, oh, I have to be polite or I have to mirror because this person is being kind, I have to say yes, even if I don't want to, we just want to bring that up to the conscious level so then we can make a choice about what we're going to do.
And then no matter what choice we make, we can have our own back and love ourselves and know that maybe it worked out exactly the way we wanted and maybe it didn't, but we're imperfect humans and we can still love ourselves.
So again, mirroring is something that someone else may do, and they may be doing it on purpose. And they may be doing it without realizing it, because a lot of stuff humans do, like a lot of humans are just acting out their own subconscious programming, their own socialized conditioning.
So it's not even that we necessarily have to think other people are doing something wrong or being bad. It's just about like we don't have to mirror them no matter what they're doing. And we always get to choose what we're going to do.
So if they're doing something and we think we have to behave a certain way back, it's just a moment to pause and be like, wait, what do I actually want here? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to have happen?
And then the one I see actually, a lot more common is that someone else is going to behave in a way that doesn't meet our standards. And there's that part of us inside of us that's like, fuck you, I’m going to be pissed, I'm going to be like, whatever. I know that feeling so well because it's a feeling that I used to experience a lot. And I still experience a lot, but I do have a different relationship to it now with all the coaching tools.
And then a lot has come down in stature quite a bit. But it's still one I'm very familiar with and I just think that's a moment to pause and think about, like I almost think about like I'm so powerful that you can't control me by how you're being. And I like that frame because it empowers me and it re-centers me in my own journey of who do I want to be? Not like, well they started it, or it's not fair, or they deserve blah, blah, blah.
It's like I talked about this example before that I saw this video and it was about like, the best self-defense move is to not have the fight with somebody. Because if you're having to fight with somebody, first of all, you’ve got to fight better, but also if you hurt them, then you could be in a lot of legal trouble. And so the best self-defense move is de-escalation. I forgot that word a minute ago, but then I remembered.
So being able to de-escalate the fight, and so many people don't want to do this because they get that like righteous indignation of like, well, you fucking started it and I'm going to finish it or like you deserve this. And I'm not arguing with you about that, I have no opinion about that, that's for you to decide.
The only thing I want to point out is just I want you to get to have as much of the life that you want as you can. And sometimes when we do that mirroring, when we're reactive versus choosing on purpose who we want to be in that moment, we actually get less of what we want because our brain has taken this in this sideways direction of like, well, they started it, we're matching them, like we have to do what they're doing.
And I just think that's something to be aware of. This world is full of a bunch of bullshit, and it's imperfect, and terrible stuff is happening all the time. And I'm sad about that. And also, I still believe you can have an incredible experience and have a huge impact on the world.
And so if that's what you want, I want to help you be able to have that, knowing that lots of other adult humans, and child humans probably, but let's talk about adult humans. Lots of other adult humans are going to behave in ways you don't like. And you're always allowed to do whatever you want in response to that, but I want you to see that choice, that you have a choice in how you respond to that, and you don't have to just mirror them.
Just because what they're doing is rude, or disrespectful, or hurtful, or harmful, you don't have to join them in that energy. But there will probably be a part of you that will feel compelled to do that. And not because you're bad. Again, because like that's part of being a social mammal species, I think.
I'm a layperson, I'm not an expert in being a social mammal. Although I do personally have 38 years of experience in it. That's what I chalk it up to, is being a social mammal and just realizing that I get to decide is so powerful, and has allowed me to make choices in situations that have led to more of what I want versus more of whatever the other person was doing.
And again, I don't think we should underestimate the other side of it either, that sometimes people are going to be behaving in a way that maybe feels really nice and wonderful, but then they may ask for something that you don't want to give or doesn't feel good to you to give. Or they may ask you to do extra work, or they may ask you to like cover for them with a boss and you may want to be able to step out of that, which seems like positive mirroring also.
I've had situations like this before where I had really good friends who asked me to do stuff that I was like, this feels wrong, this doesn't feel good or ethical or who I want to be as a person, and I felt really conflicted because I really liked them as people.
And honestly, I'm sure I've been that person for other people too. I'm sure there are times when I wanted someone to do something for me or to go along with something with me that they didn't want to do. And I probably did lean on that like, we're friends, because I was younger and didn't know a lot of the stuff I know now.
So if you've also been that person, I personally think it's okay to forgive yourself and learn from it. And I think that actually is really useful. I think sometimes when we struggle with other people, it's also because we've done the thing that other people have done and we're struggling with forgiving ourselves for being human.
So let me just say this isn't actually a podcast about forgiveness, and you don't have to forgive anybody. You don't have to forgive yourself either. But I think it's useful in a very pragmatic way to be able to do that because it's really hard to give yourself the space to learn and grow and become more of who you want to be if you never let go of the things you did before that now don't align to your current values and vision for yourself.
I would say there's probably no humans who don't have things they've done that didn't align, or don't have things they've done that don't align to their current values. And sometimes even as we're doing things we know they don't align to our values. And that's not perfect, it's not who I want to be to have moments like that. But I think it's just part of what we're doing here as human beings.
That's a bit of a tangent and a bit off topic, but I do think it's important because I think a lot of times people with really high standards aren't just struggling with other people, we're also struggling with ourselves and the highest standards we have for ourselves that we're just like never actually able to live up to because they're impossible.
I should probably do a whole other episode on high standards because I've learned so much about those and how they can be a weapon even when they seem like something that's helping us. But we're not going to go too much into that today.
Also, I just had a realization like right now recording this that I think even the way we look at ourselves can have an element of mirroring, right? Like if we see something in our own past, like I was just thinking of in that weird, very vague example. Like if we see things from our own past where we're like, oh, past me, like didn't live up to my standards. That is another area where we maybe do mirroring where we're looking at our past self and seeing the way our past self doesn't measure up to who we want to be.
And then the way we're being as a person now towards our past self mirrors the way, like what we perceive about that past self, right? Like I perceive that sometimes my past self wasn't a great friend. And when I perceive that and I live inside of that and I mirror that, instead of pausing to be intentional, then I'm not a great friend to myself right now.
And I'm also not a great friend to that past self who fucked things up, and also did really beautiful, wonderful things. She was neither 100% good, nor 100% bad. She was neither 100% living up to my values, nor 100% fucking them up, actually.
So that's such a fun, interesting point. The mirroring is everywhere, y'all. And this is what I love, well, one of many things I love about coaching and thought work is that there's always deeper and deeper layers of this work to get to in things. You can be doing a podcast and teaching on something and suddenly have a moment where you understand it at a deeper level. And that's just so fucking fun.
I love that, thank you for having this conversation with me. And I know y'all are out in the world listening to this later, but I really do feel like it's a conversation. And I feel like my understanding of my own work deepens by having these conversations with all of you. So thank you for that. I appreciate all of you so much.
Okay, so let's review. When I'm talking about emotional and behavioral mirroring, what I'm talking about is that whatever you perceive, consciously or subconsciously, other people as doing, you may subconsciously start mirroring them. And that may be fine and dandy and super fun and a great thing.
Or it may have you doing stuff you don't want to do, which could be giving things you don't want to give, saying yes to things you don't want to say yes to. Or it could be behaving in ways that actually don't align with your values because what you're perceiving about the other person is that they're behaving in ways that don't align with your values. And, again, this is not to judge or shame ourselves for any of it.
And I would invite you to have compassion for yourself and for the way that a lot of this is happening subconsciously and you're not even aware of it. It's not even about judging or shaming the other person, it's about understanding that this is something that happens at a subconscious level, and then bringing that up to consciousness and then deciding if it's what you want to do and who you want to be, or if there's something else you want to do and something else you want to be.
I feel like so often in life, we feel like we don't have choices, or that our hand is being forced, or that we simply have to do things a certain way because of the circumstances. And I really deeply get that. And also I don't think it's true and I don't want to subscribe to it because I want to empower you. And I want you to feel empowered, and be empowered to create more of what you want at work, in your lives, in every area.
And I just think so much more is available for you than you may realize and that being able to step out of mirroring is one way for you to get and create and have more of what you want and to create the impact you want to create on the world, right?
To circle back to what we started this podcast talking about and the things that are happening politically in the country where I live. And I'm sure there are things happening where you live too, wherever that is. Sometimes we also have to step out of mirroring in order to do something about that, or in order to show up the way we want to.
And it's not that we have to, it's just that I just want you to see that that's an option too. If you're like, oh look, I want a mirror and I'm going to fucking do it and I know I'm doing it, and I'm going to have my own back about it and I'm not going to beat myself up later, fucking have at it. I just want you to see all of your options, not just the ones you've been conditioned to see, and not just the ones that you're going to feel compelled to do because you're a social mammal.
All right, that's what I got for y'all this week, have an incredible week, if possible. Take care of yourselves, be excellent to yourselves. And let me know what you want to hear me talk about on the podcast in the future. And if you want to take this work deeper, if you want to have conversations like these all about your own thing, whatever is going on with you every week, come have a consult with me.
First of all, we'll take the time on the consult to really dig into what's going on with you. We're going to create some helpful stuff right in there. And then if it seems like a good fit, I'll tell you how I'm working with clients. All right, y'all, I love you. Have a great week if you can. Talk to you soon, bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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