73. But What is Authenticity, Really?
There’s so much advice out there telling you to be authentic.
And listen, being yourself is great, but the topic of authenticity can be a bit more complex than we realize.
Figuring out how to translate being authentic from a concept in your head into your actions can be challenging and sometimes confusing.
I’ve experienced this in my own life, and it comes up for my clients all the time.
Authenticity is powerful, sure.
But sometimes the thing that feels authentic also doesn’t fit with who we want to be in the world.
And when you want to say or do something that doesn’t align with your values, that’s an opportunity to pause and consider who you actually want to be, instead of seeing that first impulse your brain had as authenticity.
What if being authentic doesn’t necessarily mean saying the first thing that comes to mind or doing the first thing you think of?
As a coach, I teach that thoughts are optional, and they come from our socialization and the inputs we’ve had throughout our lives.
That first impulse is not necessarily who you are, even if it’s who you’ve always been.
And being authentic can be so much richer and more interesting than just following those initial impulses.
Tune in this week to dig into all the nuance here and the potential differences between your authenticity and your impulses.
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
Why authenticity is important but also complex.
What we often think authenticity is, versus what I want you to consider being authentic really is.
Why authenticity can be more of a challenge for folks with marginalized identities.
How to see the difference between your authenticity and your conditioned way of being.
Why we think of being authentic as taking less work, but why it’s actually more work.
The relationship between authenticity and boundaries.
How to pause and decide what authenticity really looks like for you, and how you can show up as your most intentional self.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about authenticity.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y’all, happy Wednesday. I have a topic today that I’m so excited to talk to y’all about and I think it’s super important, and it’s authenticity. There’s all this advice about be yourself, be yourself, be authentic, da, da, da, da, da, tell the truth. And I think that all of that advice can generally be useful sometimes. But I think that this topic is more complex than we often realize.
And I also think a lot of people, when we’re like, “Okay, I’m going to be authentic,” figuring out how to translate that from a concept in our head to what we’re actually going to do and what words we’re going to say out of our face hole can be kind of challenging, I have found personally. And I know my clients have found that too.
And awhile back I saw this Adam Grant quote and I was looking for it online so I can read it to you, but I can’t find the exact one it was. But basically, one of the things he said was that the idea of being authentic is powerful. But if you authentically want to say something and the something you authentically want to say doesn’t align to your values, maybe that’s an opportunity to pause and consider who you actually want to be versus seeing that impulse that your brain had, that first thought that your brain had as like your authenticity.
So let me break it down a little, from my point of view as a coach one of the things that I teach is that thoughts are optional. And that we learn our thoughts from a lot of places, including the way we’re parented, including culture at large, including books we read and media we consumed. Also including the way our little child brain analyzed data and the meaning we made out of it.
So this is one that I don’t talk about as much. I talk a lot about socialization and social conditioning. But something brains also do is sometimes they draw conclusions that as an adult we wouldn’t draw. So they see a pattern and they take something away that something is safe or that something is dangerous or that something is a certain way because younger brains aren’t always as skilled and adept at figuring out what the takeaway is.
So as an example I’ve read before about sometimes how if people have been through a traumatic experience with someone like yelling at them and then they encounter another person in their life who has a similar timbre of voice, is that how we say that, timbre? I don’t know how to say that. But someone who has a similar sounding voice, that they can in their body be having these reactions to that person’s voice. So almost like the takeaway that their brain made was this voice is dangerous.
And the brain is really powerful at associative connections, which we’ve talked about before. If you want a longer discussion of that go check out the episode on the pleasure gloss. But the brain will make associative connections so it will be like, well, actually the best example I have is when I was a kid I got sick one time after eating corn flakes, and then I couldn’t eat corn flakes for three years.
The corn flakes didn’t make me sick, but the eating of them happened nearby to becoming sick. And so even though logically I knew they didn’t make me sick, I couldn’t tolerate them, and my body would become nauseated even thinking about eating them.
So I’m saying all of this because this is what we talk about all the time, right? But when we talk about authenticity I think a lot of us still think, “Oh, the first thing my brain says, that’s me being authentic.” And then I put it like, oh, but I can’t actually say that, people will judge me, that’s not polite. That’s not how nice people talk to each other, blah, blah, blah. And so we filter it, and we say the filtered thing and then we feel like we’re being inauthentic.
And by we feel like we’re being inauthentic I mean we think about ourselves that we’re being inauthentic because when we say feel like in that capacity it’s talking about the way we think, not the way we feel. That’s just a tiny aside for you, my friends.
Okay, so I think this is so important in a time when so many people are getting the advice all the time that the key to happiness is to be more authentic, is to really think about the difference between what is your authenticity versus what is your conditioned way of being? What is your authenticity versus what is your training?
And I’m not talking about explicit training necessarily, although sometimes there is that as well. But also just the implicit training of how we were trained as children about what it means to be a person, how we were enculturated.
Okay, so I think this matters for a few reasons. Like I said before, we’re getting this advice all the time all over the fucking internet and everywhere to be authentic. And listen, being authentic, I think, is a really magical thing. I think so many of us are really craving getting to be ourselves and to be loved for who we are, and to be cherished for who we are. And that's really valuable. But I also think so many of us, like I said, are confusing our impulses for ourselves.
So what I want you to think about is what if being authentic doesn't mean saying the first thing you think of off the cuff? What if being authentic actually takes more work, not less? I think a lot of times we're like, “Oh, whatever takes the least amount of work, that's what's authentic.” But sometimes the first shit that comes to my brain isn't who I am, it isn't who I want to be, and it is just like a habit, or a pattern that I've learned throughout my life.
And so I think really pausing and checking in about is that actually authentically me or is that just what the parrot inside my head says in this circumstance? Okay, so if you're not the first thing your brain thinks of in any circumstance, who are you? What are you? What is authentic to you? And then what I also want to think about is like, who do you want to be? Who do you want to be?
So there's the authenticity of who we are and there's also the authenticity of who we choose to be. And what I mean by that is what values are we living by? What are our chosen values that we can then filter things through and think about how we want to show up? Versus just deciding that whatever that impulsive thing that wants to come through in us, that that's the us. I think we get to intentionally choose.
Now, this isn't about belittling the you that you are. It's not about shitting on the you that you are. It's not about shitting on whatever the first thing your brain says. Sometimes we're going to say the first thing our brain says. Sometimes that actually is who we are, is who we want to be, and we're just nervous and shy to see if other people will like it. But it actually is aligned to who we are.
But I know that I've consumed so much culture that's taught me certain ways of thinking that are not who I want to be. And I just like feel them pop off in my brain. And then I'm like, “Do I have to tell everyone about that? If I don't tell everyone about that, am I inauthentic? Is that bad?”
So I think what I want to offer you is kind of nuanced, right? It's like about blending, I think, who you already are with who you want to become in a way that's true to what I'm going to call your most intentional self.
And it's not your most ideal self, I don't even want to call it like your highest self. Because I don't think it's about being so fucking evolved or anything. I think it's just about combining the impulses we feel and the ways we identify ourselves as being and what we identify ourselves as really thinking with who we want to be, and how we want to show up, and what values we want to drive us.
Okay, so as an example for me, sometimes my brain says things that are kind of rude. And sometimes it feels authentic and fun to share those and just be like, “Ha ha, my brain is rude, this is cute”. Other times that's not who I want to be. So that might be the first thing my brain pops off with, then I think about like, okay, but who do I want to be? How do I want to express this? What is my goal here? What is the orientation I'm bringing to this situation?
Because sometimes there's a part of my brain that's kind of just like a salty, sassy, 13 year old. And listen, I love that part. She's fucking awesome, but she's not always the only part I want to take into consideration. She's not my whole authenticity. So sometimes I'm going to take her information and then I'm going to combine it with connection orientation, or I'm going to combine it with some softness, or I'm going to combine it with compassion, generosity, courage, right?
Other times I have a part of my brain popping off that I can recognize as totally my socialization and not any part of who I want to be. So it's authentic in that it authentically happened inside my brain. But it's not authentic in that it's not who I'm choosing to be. It doesn't align with my values, and I realize it's something that I was taught and that I'm unlearning.
And so I can even enjoy the part of me or like have compassion for the part of me that’s saying those things. But I don't confuse it for like, oh, I have to say those things out loud or I'm not really being myself, right?
So as an example, and I'll use self-criticism because I have a lot of experience with self-criticism. So, actually, so today is a great example. It's a Saturday, I don't usually record podcasts on Saturdays. But I wanted to record one today because I've been thinking about this topic, and I was really excited to share it with y'all.
But I did all this other shit in the day first. And some of the other shit that I did was like sitting on the couch watching TikToks, or sitting on the couch scrolling Instagram more than I really needed to or wasn't even enjoying, right? So the first thing my brain might offer me about that is like, you never do what you say you're going to do, or you don't follow through.
First of all, those aren't even true. I do what I say I'm going to do, and I follow through all the fucking time, right? But those are just those habitual things, right? So I see that as like, yes, I've learned from culture to say this kind of shit to myself, even though I probably would never say it to someone else.
But my brain might think it in response to someone else. But I realize I don't mean that. It doesn't mean anything, this is just like the brain with the pattern thing that we've talked about before. Like this is parrot brain just saying shit it learn to say and like 1996, okay?
So this is so important to know because I don't see that as authentically belonging to me. Again, it's authentic in that it is like currently, yes, it happens inside my head, it does exist. I don't see it as being me, I see it as being a pattern that my brain just has learned and will play on repeat.
The second thing where I was talking about I can even love or have compassion for the part of myself that does that, let's get into that. Okay, so it's like I don't want to agree with that part. That's not how I want to talk to myself. That's not how I want to be, I think about myself as my own adult. Like I'm the adult, but I'm also the person I'm adulting to, if that makes sense. So that's not who I want to be as my own adult. That's not how I want to talk to myself.
Okay, if that's not how I want to be, if that's not the behavior I want to be doing, and by behavior, I mean, like self-talk. Why would I ever love that part or be compassionate with it? Great question. As I talk about all the fucking time, I just don't think judging and shaming that part's going to be super helpful.
It's going to make me be having a little battle with myself, which is no fun and takes up a lot of time and effort and makes me feel terrible. And also, here's the thing, there is like a kernel of something in there that I can relate to, right? And so in this particular instance, the kernel is the part of me that wants to do what I said I would do. It's the part of me that wants to record a podcast. It's the part of me that wants to have follow through and be successful.
So what I can do is see like, oh, look, this thing that's not who I authentically want to be, but that's popping off in my brain, I understand that even though it's behaving in a way that I don't align with, it's not who I want to be, there's some useful information in there.
Which is like it's concerned and it's afraid I'm not going to get the thing done. And so it's trying to help me. It's just not trying to help me in a way that I find to be particularly helpful. And also not that I find to be particularly aligned with who I want to be.
So I guess I really see authenticity as not just like who I am, but also as aligned with who I want to be. Especially because just following every impulse that my brain offers me, those impulses came from somewhere. They're not any more me than me choosing to be who I want to be on purpose. Does that make sense?
I think people get really confused about this, they're like, “Well, it would be the most me to follow every impulse I have in my brain, and I just do not fucking agree with that.” I do think sometimes being who we are actually requires the more effort of choosing to be a certain way versus doing everything our brains say, right?
Because our brains, first of all have their own things, like the negativity bias and the confirmation bias. And then second of all, they're steeped in our culture. And then we have things like epigenetics, which I'm going to do a whole podcast episode on because that shit is fascinating.
So I just don't think that the authentic Kori is the collection of the thought patterns and behavior patterns and things that I have accumulated to date. I believe that I get to choose who authentic Kori is. Now, are there some other pieces like I'm really silly and this and that? Sure, I do think I have a personality. I just also think we can impact our own personality quite a bit. But we'll still have preferences.
Actually, it was so interesting. I was talking to one of my clients about preferences, and she was like, “But if I can choose my thoughts and my thoughts create my feelings, why would I ever have preferences?” And I was like, “Well, do you just like some food more than other food?” And she was like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Exactly.”
Coaching is so powerful and choosing how to think about things is so powerful, but it doesn't mean we're all going to become like weird robots who think all the same thoughts and do all the same things and don't have preferences. We're still going to have preferences.
Like I moved to Sacramento because my preference is to live somewhere that's warmer and sunny. I can still have a positive mindset living in Seattle in the rain or anywhere. But I was like, at the end of the day, I want to live warm and sunny. That's what I want. Right?
Okay, this conversation is kind of all over the place, let's bring it back. Although actually, you know what? I think this is important. So let's not quite bring it back yet because authenticity and preferences kind of go together in a way too. Getting to have your preferences and share them, those are kind of, they're included in what we coach ourself on, but they're also kind of separate from it. I think that's really valuable to think about.
So I do think there are true preferences. And then it's also like we can coach ourselves how we think about anything, we can shift our mindset on anything. And when we shift our mindset, a lot of magical things can happen, and our experience can totally change. But the preferences still may exist.
So I think that is kind of the same as all the other authenticity stuff. Like you may have a preference, but when you get into the intentionality piece of authenticity, the way you express that preference might change. Or the way you have a conversation about it with another person, or the way you're like, “Here's my preference, but I'm curious to hear what you think.”
And you get to decide all of it. You get to decide what your values are and how you want to bring your values to bear on the rest of your authenticity. But I just like to think about authenticity plus the filter of values and intentionality so that it's a chosen authenticity.
Versus I feel like sometimes people feel like they're like, “Oh, I have to be authentic to all these thoughts in my head.” It's almost like they're being like forced to be authentic. And I just don't think that sounds like a super fun time. So what if we don't do that? Yeah.
Let's also take a moment to talk about a few other things. So when I was looking for the Adam Grant quote that I wanted, I didn't find it, like I said. But I did find this other thing that had some really good points I want to mention.
One of the things that Adam Grant mentioned is that authenticity can be harder for people who belong to non-dominant groups. So if you have an identity, like if you belong to a marginalized identity, it may feel a lot harder, scarier, and riskier to be authentic. And kind of like I talked about in the coming out podcast, you get to decide how much you want to engage authentically with people.
Yes, we're going to take the authenticity and combine it with the intentionality and with the values, but you also get to decide if you're in a situation where it doesn't feel safe to you to be authentic, you're allowed to make that choice. I feel like sometimes we sort of authenticity shame people. Like, “Oh, you're not being authentic.” But you always get to make the choice about when that feels okay to you and what you're willing to be authentic for and who you're willing to be authentic with.
One of the other things Adam Grant talked about was like authenticity and the relationship between authenticity and boundaries. We're allowed to have our boundaries whenever we want about anything. And we can also choose when we're not going to show up authentically or at all with someone because of how they're behaving. And we also can choose that we need certain things to be in place in order to feel safe to be authentic.
And I kind of like to think about too, like I think there are different ways to be authentic with different people in our lives. When I was younger I was like, “Oh, I want a job where I can bring full Kori to work, like my whole personality.” And the good news is now I can because I have my own business and it's fucking awesome. And I really do love and cherish that.
But also, there's still stuff that I would tell my bestie that I'm probably not going to come on here and talk about. There's still stuff I would tell my partner, Alex, that I'm not going to come on here and talk about. And that doesn't mean I'm not authentic with y'all, it also just means we get to have information that we only share with certain people.
I kind of see myself as an open book, but I still have stuff that is private or personal to me or, you know, sometimes I have coaching stuff that I'm still working on that I don't talk openly about because it's just tender, or I don't want to yet, or I don't know what I would even say to y'all about it. And that's allowed.
I think sometimes we get this idea that like if we can't be 110% ourselves the same way we would be with our bestie, that we're not being authentic. And I would just invite you all to consider that you get to have different versions of authentic you for different people, for different relationships, and for different containers. And you can still tell yourself that you're wonderful and authentic even if you're not bringing 100% transparency to everything.
And the example I always use for this, it's kind of gross, but it's like I don't talk to everybody about my bathroom habits, right? Like I'm not talking to everybody about that. But I may talk to my bestie about that, I may talk to my girlfriend about that. But I don't have to talk to everyone about that to be like, “Oh, I was my authentic self with them.” There's lots of pieces of us that are our authentic self.
And also I would just highlight that sometimes we're just like trolling ourselves. We’re like, “Am I being authentic enough? Am I being this enough? Am I being that enough?” So if it feels like troll-y, like self troll-y behavior, I think that's just something good to be aware of, like I think this is just about my brain judging me. I don't think this actually has anything to do with whether I was like 67% authentic or like 72% authentic. So I think that's just important to mention.
Okay, and then finally, how does this relate to work? I think it relates to work because I think so many of us think that we have to have a workplace where we can be completely authentic to be happy. Or there's all this advice like be authentic at work, or be authentic in your job search, or be authentic when you're trying to get clients and that that’s the magic.
And listen, I do think there is magic in you being you. But I also just think there's magic in you and you don't have to troll yourself so hard. What if we just believe that you’re magic, and you don't have to be 100% authentic and you can filter things through your values? And just like whatever you're doing and showing up, what if that's enough? What if it's authentic enough? What if it's good enough? What if it's useful enough?
And it doesn't mean we're not going to go on to improve things and work on shit and practice being more vulnerable, if that's something we're interested in. Or practice telling the truth 5% more because it would feel really good to us, not because we have to to be okay as a person. That's great and we can do that too. But I think there's just something to be said for like what if we just appreciate everything we are doing and stop concern trolling ourselves quite so much.
All right, y'all, that's what I have for you today. And listen, if you want to figure out what it means to you to be more authentic and also where the Venn diagram crosses over between authenticity and satisfaction, come get a consult call for the Satisfied As Fuck group coaching mastermind and let's talk about it.
Whether you join the mastermind or not, I want to talk to you about what it would look like for you to have a satisfied as fuck career and life. And I believe that's possible for you. And so let's fucking make it happen. Okay, y'all, have a great week. I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y’all, happy Wednesday. I have a topic today that I’m so excited to talk to y’all about and I think it’s super important, and it’s authenticity. There’s all this advice about be yourself, be yourself, be authentic, da, da, da, da, da, tell the truth. And I think that all of that advice can generally be useful sometimes. But I think that this topic is more complex than we often realize.
And I also think a lot of people, when we’re like, “Okay, I’m going to be authentic,” figuring out how to translate that from a concept in our head to what we’re actually going to do and what words we’re going to say out of our face hole can be kind of challenging, I have found personally. And I know my clients have found that too.
And awhile back I saw this Adam Grant quote and I was looking for it online so I can read it to you, but I can’t find the exact one it was. But basically, one of the things he said was that the idea of being authentic is powerful. But if you authentically want to say something and the something you authentically want to say doesn’t align to your values, maybe that’s an opportunity to pause and consider who you actually want to be versus seeing that impulse that your brain had, that first thought that your brain had as like your authenticity.
So let me break it down a little, from my point of view as a coach one of the things that I teach is that thoughts are optional. And that we learn our thoughts from a lot of places, including the way we’re parented, including culture at large, including books we read and media we consumed. Also including the way our little child brain analyzed data and the meaning we made out of it.
So this is one that I don’t talk about as much. I talk a lot about socialization and social conditioning. But something brains also do is sometimes they draw conclusions that as an adult we wouldn’t draw. So they see a pattern and they take something away that something is safe or that something is dangerous or that something is a certain way because younger brains aren’t always as skilled and adept at figuring out what the takeaway is.
So as an example I’ve read before about sometimes how if people have been through a traumatic experience with someone like yelling at them and then they encounter another person in their life who has a similar timbre of voice, is that how we say that, timbre? I don’t know how to say that. But someone who has a similar sounding voice, that they can in their body be having these reactions to that person’s voice. So almost like the takeaway that their brain made was this voice is dangerous.
And the brain is really powerful at associative connections, which we’ve talked about before. If you want a longer discussion of that go check out the episode on the pleasure gloss. But the brain will make associative connections so it will be like, well, actually the best example I have is when I was a kid I got sick one time after eating corn flakes, and then I couldn’t eat corn flakes for three years.
The corn flakes didn’t make me sick, but the eating of them happened nearby to becoming sick. And so even though logically I knew they didn’t make me sick, I couldn’t tolerate them, and my body would become nauseated even thinking about eating them.
So I’m saying all of this because this is what we talk about all the time, right? But when we talk about authenticity I think a lot of us still think, “Oh, the first thing my brain says, that’s me being authentic.” And then I put it like, oh, but I can’t actually say that, people will judge me, that’s not polite. That’s not how nice people talk to each other, blah, blah, blah. And so we filter it, and we say the filtered thing and then we feel like we’re being inauthentic.
And by we feel like we’re being inauthentic I mean we think about ourselves that we’re being inauthentic because when we say feel like in that capacity it’s talking about the way we think, not the way we feel. That’s just a tiny aside for you, my friends.
Okay, so I think this is so important in a time when so many people are getting the advice all the time that the key to happiness is to be more authentic, is to really think about the difference between what is your authenticity versus what is your conditioned way of being? What is your authenticity versus what is your training?
And I’m not talking about explicit training necessarily, although sometimes there is that as well. But also just the implicit training of how we were trained as children about what it means to be a person, how we were enculturated.
Okay, so I think this matters for a few reasons. Like I said before, we’re getting this advice all the time all over the fucking internet and everywhere to be authentic. And listen, being authentic, I think, is a really magical thing. I think so many of us are really craving getting to be ourselves and to be loved for who we are, and to be cherished for who we are. And that's really valuable. But I also think so many of us, like I said, are confusing our impulses for ourselves.
So what I want you to think about is what if being authentic doesn't mean saying the first thing you think of off the cuff? What if being authentic actually takes more work, not less? I think a lot of times we're like, “Oh, whatever takes the least amount of work, that's what's authentic.” But sometimes the first shit that comes to my brain isn't who I am, it isn't who I want to be, and it is just like a habit, or a pattern that I've learned throughout my life.
And so I think really pausing and checking in about is that actually authentically me or is that just what the parrot inside my head says in this circumstance? Okay, so if you're not the first thing your brain thinks of in any circumstance, who are you? What are you? What is authentic to you? And then what I also want to think about is like, who do you want to be? Who do you want to be?
So there's the authenticity of who we are and there's also the authenticity of who we choose to be. And what I mean by that is what values are we living by? What are our chosen values that we can then filter things through and think about how we want to show up? Versus just deciding that whatever that impulsive thing that wants to come through in us, that that's the us. I think we get to intentionally choose.
Now, this isn't about belittling the you that you are. It's not about shitting on the you that you are. It's not about shitting on whatever the first thing your brain says. Sometimes we're going to say the first thing our brain says. Sometimes that actually is who we are, is who we want to be, and we're just nervous and shy to see if other people will like it. But it actually is aligned to who we are.
But I know that I've consumed so much culture that's taught me certain ways of thinking that are not who I want to be. And I just like feel them pop off in my brain. And then I'm like, “Do I have to tell everyone about that? If I don't tell everyone about that, am I inauthentic? Is that bad?”
So I think what I want to offer you is kind of nuanced, right? It's like about blending, I think, who you already are with who you want to become in a way that's true to what I'm going to call your most intentional self.
And it's not your most ideal self, I don't even want to call it like your highest self. Because I don't think it's about being so fucking evolved or anything. I think it's just about combining the impulses we feel and the ways we identify ourselves as being and what we identify ourselves as really thinking with who we want to be, and how we want to show up, and what values we want to drive us.
Okay, so as an example for me, sometimes my brain says things that are kind of rude. And sometimes it feels authentic and fun to share those and just be like, “Ha ha, my brain is rude, this is cute”. Other times that's not who I want to be. So that might be the first thing my brain pops off with, then I think about like, okay, but who do I want to be? How do I want to express this? What is my goal here? What is the orientation I'm bringing to this situation?
Because sometimes there's a part of my brain that's kind of just like a salty, sassy, 13 year old. And listen, I love that part. She's fucking awesome, but she's not always the only part I want to take into consideration. She's not my whole authenticity. So sometimes I'm going to take her information and then I'm going to combine it with connection orientation, or I'm going to combine it with some softness, or I'm going to combine it with compassion, generosity, courage, right?
Other times I have a part of my brain popping off that I can recognize as totally my socialization and not any part of who I want to be. So it's authentic in that it authentically happened inside my brain. But it's not authentic in that it's not who I'm choosing to be. It doesn't align with my values, and I realize it's something that I was taught and that I'm unlearning.
And so I can even enjoy the part of me or like have compassion for the part of me that’s saying those things. But I don't confuse it for like, oh, I have to say those things out loud or I'm not really being myself, right?
So as an example, and I'll use self-criticism because I have a lot of experience with self-criticism. So, actually, so today is a great example. It's a Saturday, I don't usually record podcasts on Saturdays. But I wanted to record one today because I've been thinking about this topic, and I was really excited to share it with y'all.
But I did all this other shit in the day first. And some of the other shit that I did was like sitting on the couch watching TikToks, or sitting on the couch scrolling Instagram more than I really needed to or wasn't even enjoying, right? So the first thing my brain might offer me about that is like, you never do what you say you're going to do, or you don't follow through.
First of all, those aren't even true. I do what I say I'm going to do, and I follow through all the fucking time, right? But those are just those habitual things, right? So I see that as like, yes, I've learned from culture to say this kind of shit to myself, even though I probably would never say it to someone else.
But my brain might think it in response to someone else. But I realize I don't mean that. It doesn't mean anything, this is just like the brain with the pattern thing that we've talked about before. Like this is parrot brain just saying shit it learn to say and like 1996, okay?
So this is so important to know because I don't see that as authentically belonging to me. Again, it's authentic in that it is like currently, yes, it happens inside my head, it does exist. I don't see it as being me, I see it as being a pattern that my brain just has learned and will play on repeat.
The second thing where I was talking about I can even love or have compassion for the part of myself that does that, let's get into that. Okay, so it's like I don't want to agree with that part. That's not how I want to talk to myself. That's not how I want to be, I think about myself as my own adult. Like I'm the adult, but I'm also the person I'm adulting to, if that makes sense. So that's not who I want to be as my own adult. That's not how I want to talk to myself.
Okay, if that's not how I want to be, if that's not the behavior I want to be doing, and by behavior, I mean, like self-talk. Why would I ever love that part or be compassionate with it? Great question. As I talk about all the fucking time, I just don't think judging and shaming that part's going to be super helpful.
It's going to make me be having a little battle with myself, which is no fun and takes up a lot of time and effort and makes me feel terrible. And also, here's the thing, there is like a kernel of something in there that I can relate to, right? And so in this particular instance, the kernel is the part of me that wants to do what I said I would do. It's the part of me that wants to record a podcast. It's the part of me that wants to have follow through and be successful.
So what I can do is see like, oh, look, this thing that's not who I authentically want to be, but that's popping off in my brain, I understand that even though it's behaving in a way that I don't align with, it's not who I want to be, there's some useful information in there.
Which is like it's concerned and it's afraid I'm not going to get the thing done. And so it's trying to help me. It's just not trying to help me in a way that I find to be particularly helpful. And also not that I find to be particularly aligned with who I want to be.
So I guess I really see authenticity as not just like who I am, but also as aligned with who I want to be. Especially because just following every impulse that my brain offers me, those impulses came from somewhere. They're not any more me than me choosing to be who I want to be on purpose. Does that make sense?
I think people get really confused about this, they're like, “Well, it would be the most me to follow every impulse I have in my brain, and I just do not fucking agree with that.” I do think sometimes being who we are actually requires the more effort of choosing to be a certain way versus doing everything our brains say, right?
Because our brains, first of all have their own things, like the negativity bias and the confirmation bias. And then second of all, they're steeped in our culture. And then we have things like epigenetics, which I'm going to do a whole podcast episode on because that shit is fascinating.
So I just don't think that the authentic Kori is the collection of the thought patterns and behavior patterns and things that I have accumulated to date. I believe that I get to choose who authentic Kori is. Now, are there some other pieces like I'm really silly and this and that? Sure, I do think I have a personality. I just also think we can impact our own personality quite a bit. But we'll still have preferences.
Actually, it was so interesting. I was talking to one of my clients about preferences, and she was like, “But if I can choose my thoughts and my thoughts create my feelings, why would I ever have preferences?” And I was like, “Well, do you just like some food more than other food?” And she was like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Exactly.”
Coaching is so powerful and choosing how to think about things is so powerful, but it doesn't mean we're all going to become like weird robots who think all the same thoughts and do all the same things and don't have preferences. We're still going to have preferences.
Like I moved to Sacramento because my preference is to live somewhere that's warmer and sunny. I can still have a positive mindset living in Seattle in the rain or anywhere. But I was like, at the end of the day, I want to live warm and sunny. That's what I want. Right?
Okay, this conversation is kind of all over the place, let's bring it back. Although actually, you know what? I think this is important. So let's not quite bring it back yet because authenticity and preferences kind of go together in a way too. Getting to have your preferences and share them, those are kind of, they're included in what we coach ourself on, but they're also kind of separate from it. I think that's really valuable to think about.
So I do think there are true preferences. And then it's also like we can coach ourselves how we think about anything, we can shift our mindset on anything. And when we shift our mindset, a lot of magical things can happen, and our experience can totally change. But the preferences still may exist.
So I think that is kind of the same as all the other authenticity stuff. Like you may have a preference, but when you get into the intentionality piece of authenticity, the way you express that preference might change. Or the way you have a conversation about it with another person, or the way you're like, “Here's my preference, but I'm curious to hear what you think.”
And you get to decide all of it. You get to decide what your values are and how you want to bring your values to bear on the rest of your authenticity. But I just like to think about authenticity plus the filter of values and intentionality so that it's a chosen authenticity.
Versus I feel like sometimes people feel like they're like, “Oh, I have to be authentic to all these thoughts in my head.” It's almost like they're being like forced to be authentic. And I just don't think that sounds like a super fun time. So what if we don't do that? Yeah.
Let's also take a moment to talk about a few other things. So when I was looking for the Adam Grant quote that I wanted, I didn't find it, like I said. But I did find this other thing that had some really good points I want to mention.
One of the things that Adam Grant mentioned is that authenticity can be harder for people who belong to non-dominant groups. So if you have an identity, like if you belong to a marginalized identity, it may feel a lot harder, scarier, and riskier to be authentic. And kind of like I talked about in the coming out podcast, you get to decide how much you want to engage authentically with people.
Yes, we're going to take the authenticity and combine it with the intentionality and with the values, but you also get to decide if you're in a situation where it doesn't feel safe to you to be authentic, you're allowed to make that choice. I feel like sometimes we sort of authenticity shame people. Like, “Oh, you're not being authentic.” But you always get to make the choice about when that feels okay to you and what you're willing to be authentic for and who you're willing to be authentic with.
One of the other things Adam Grant talked about was like authenticity and the relationship between authenticity and boundaries. We're allowed to have our boundaries whenever we want about anything. And we can also choose when we're not going to show up authentically or at all with someone because of how they're behaving. And we also can choose that we need certain things to be in place in order to feel safe to be authentic.
And I kind of like to think about too, like I think there are different ways to be authentic with different people in our lives. When I was younger I was like, “Oh, I want a job where I can bring full Kori to work, like my whole personality.” And the good news is now I can because I have my own business and it's fucking awesome. And I really do love and cherish that.
But also, there's still stuff that I would tell my bestie that I'm probably not going to come on here and talk about. There's still stuff I would tell my partner, Alex, that I'm not going to come on here and talk about. And that doesn't mean I'm not authentic with y'all, it also just means we get to have information that we only share with certain people.
I kind of see myself as an open book, but I still have stuff that is private or personal to me or, you know, sometimes I have coaching stuff that I'm still working on that I don't talk openly about because it's just tender, or I don't want to yet, or I don't know what I would even say to y'all about it. And that's allowed.
I think sometimes we get this idea that like if we can't be 110% ourselves the same way we would be with our bestie, that we're not being authentic. And I would just invite you all to consider that you get to have different versions of authentic you for different people, for different relationships, and for different containers. And you can still tell yourself that you're wonderful and authentic even if you're not bringing 100% transparency to everything.
And the example I always use for this, it's kind of gross, but it's like I don't talk to everybody about my bathroom habits, right? Like I'm not talking to everybody about that. But I may talk to my bestie about that, I may talk to my girlfriend about that. But I don't have to talk to everyone about that to be like, “Oh, I was my authentic self with them.” There's lots of pieces of us that are our authentic self.
And also I would just highlight that sometimes we're just like trolling ourselves. We’re like, “Am I being authentic enough? Am I being this enough? Am I being that enough?” So if it feels like troll-y, like self troll-y behavior, I think that's just something good to be aware of, like I think this is just about my brain judging me. I don't think this actually has anything to do with whether I was like 67% authentic or like 72% authentic. So I think that's just important to mention.
Okay, and then finally, how does this relate to work? I think it relates to work because I think so many of us think that we have to have a workplace where we can be completely authentic to be happy. Or there's all this advice like be authentic at work, or be authentic in your job search, or be authentic when you're trying to get clients and that that’s the magic.
And listen, I do think there is magic in you being you. But I also just think there's magic in you and you don't have to troll yourself so hard. What if we just believe that you’re magic, and you don't have to be 100% authentic and you can filter things through your values? And just like whatever you're doing and showing up, what if that's enough? What if it's authentic enough? What if it's good enough? What if it's useful enough?
And it doesn't mean we're not going to go on to improve things and work on shit and practice being more vulnerable, if that's something we're interested in. Or practice telling the truth 5% more because it would feel really good to us, not because we have to to be okay as a person. That's great and we can do that too. But I think there's just something to be said for like what if we just appreciate everything we are doing and stop concern trolling ourselves quite so much.
All right, y'all, that's what I have for you today. And listen, if you want to figure out what it means to you to be more authentic and also where the Venn diagram crosses over between authenticity and satisfaction, come get a consult call for the Satisfied As Fuck group coaching mastermind and let's talk about it.
Whether you join the mastermind or not, I want to talk to you about what it would look like for you to have a satisfied as fuck career and life. And I believe that's possible for you. And so let's fucking make it happen. Okay, y'all, have a great week. I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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