4. How to Ask for What You Want
Does the thought of making requests and asking for what you want feel terrible? Maybe you even find yourself unsure about what it is you truly want; or if you do know what it is, actually asking for it feels terrifying. If this sounds familiar, this episode is for you.
As womxn, identifying what we want is challenging, to say the least, let alone asking for it from someone else. But whether or not you choose to stay in your current job or leave it, learning how to make requests is an essential skill you need that will be transformational in all areas of your life.
Join me on the podcast this week as I share a story about my own experience asking for what I wanted at work, and why it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. Opening your mind up to the possibilities available to you and allowing space to figure out what you truly want is scary, but it’s work that needs to be non-negotiable.
To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away 3 deep-dive strategy sessions with yours truly! These are 90-minute sessions where we come up with a plan to get you where you want to go.
To enter, leave a rating and review of the show on Apple Podcasts. You can find all the details on entering the giveaway here. I can’t wait to announce the winners!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
The difference between boundaries and requests.
Why identifying and asking for what you want is a hugely important skill.
One of the biggest reasons womxn don’t ask for what they want.
Why making a request is more about asking than getting what you want.
The first step to figuring out what you want and asking for it.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
FEATURED ON THE SHOW:
Leave me a rating and review on Apple Podcasts to be entered into my giveaway of 3 deep-dive strategy sessions!
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week, we’re talking about how to ask for what you want at work and why it’s an essential skill whether you stay in this job or not.
You are listening to Love Your Job (Before You Leave It), the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving womxn who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y’all. Before we get into today’s podcast, let me just tell you about something interesting that happened to me. The other day, we went to Traders to buy approximately $1000 worth of frozen vegetables because literally what I like to eat is Trader Joe’s frozen broccoli and cauliflower roasted to within an inch of its life.
And while we were there, I saw lemons, but they didn’t look like normal lemons. They had like, green stripes on them, and the label said pink lemons. And I was like, I don’t know what these are but I just want them. And I was not going to buy them because I was like, I don’t even know what these are, whatever.
And my girlfriend was like, you want them? What if you just buy them? Just get them. They’re like, $1.50 and just buy them and try them. So I did, and now I’m having a glass of water with the pink lemon juice squeezed in it and honestly, I can’t really tell the difference between this and a normal lemon, but I’m really glad I tried them anyway just because I wanted to and just because it’s fun.
And I think for a lot of us as adults and also right now in 2020 with like, having been in quarantine and the pandemic and just everything, there’s always room to try things and have more fun. And I almost didn’t do it. And I’m like a super into fun person.
So for y’all also, and this kind of ties in with our topic, I just want to remind you that it’s okay to try new shit just for fun. Just to see if it’s delightful. And so often we don’t do that, but what if we just did that?
So last week, we talked about boundaries. And this week, we’re talking about requests. And boundaries and requests are not exactly the same as pink lemon juice, but I think they have something in common with that, which is about being curious about what you want and noticing things you’re drawn to and then going from there. And even though boundaries and requests are different from each other, I think that there’s also some overlap between them. A boundary is a choice you make to take care of your own wellbeing, a request is something you want to do but that you also want someone’s buy-in on.
So on the one hand, we can always set up a boundary and others don’t have to like it, although there may be consequences if they don’t. But if we want to make an arrangement that is for our wellbeing but we also do want something from someone else, then that may be the time for a request versus a boundary.
That being said, like boundaries, this is still not about controlling how others act. The way I teach it, making requests is more about the asking. Asking for what you want, owning what you want as you ask for it. It’s more about all of that than it is about whether or not you get it.
Don’t worry, I’m still going to teach you how to make a very compelling request, but I want to see the idea right now that it’s the asking that is the most important. If you get the thing, that’s great. But even if you don’t, learning how to identify and ask for what you want is a hugely important skill in its own right.
So like with boundaries, one of the reasons that womxn don’t ask for what they want at work and other places is because of the social conditioning that we’ve received. Even when we know what we want, we might worry that maybe it’s not okay to ask for it. Not okay to even want it within the privacy of our own heads.
We’re afraid that people will think we’re being greedy or arrogant or self-centered. And sometimes we don’t even know what it is that we want because we’re so caught up in the narrative about what we’re supposed to want. You know, like all those things they teach little girls to want, like a marriage and kids and a partner and a house with a view.
I’ve experienced this in my own life and I’ve seen clients and friends go through this too, where they think they want something, they work their asses off to get it, and then they look at the thing like, wait, what is this? Do I even want this? How did I even get here?
So when it comes to making requests, pushing back against your social conditioning is two-fold. It’s the willingness to ask, that’s essential obviously, but there’s also the exploration of what it is you actually want to ask for and why you want to ask for it.
So often I see womxn ask for what they think they should ask for, versus spending some time to get clear with themselves on what it is that they specifically truly want, and then asking for that.
I went through this myself back when I worked in corporate and one of my brilliant friends gave me some incredibly helpful real talk about it. I was complaining to her that I needed a new job because the one I had had these hours that I didn’t like and it was located in another city, so the commute was often 40 minutes or more, all of which required me to get up super early and y’all, I was not a morning person back then.
I’m really still not, although I’m capable of getting up now and coaching has helped a lot with that. But let me just tell you, the hours in this job were like, seven to 7:30 in the morning is when most people started the job, and then they got off at like, three, 3:30, four o clock.
And that was such a struggle for me. I was not prepared for that. Somehow during the interview process, it did not come up that I would be expected to work in that timeframe or that that’s what the team normally did and that it was very typical for meetings to be scheduled in the seven or 7:30 time slot because we also had a lot of people on our team in Europe.
And I thought it was going to be a nine to five. It was not a nine to five. And so back then, my brain was like, obviously the solution is I just need a different job with better hours. And like I said, I was having a really hard time and this was years before coaching.
So I was just talking to my friend about it and my brilliant friend told me that if I wanted to work different hours, then I needed to ask for that. I don’t remember if she told me directly that I did not need a different job, but I do remember that she told me it was my responsibility to figure out what I needed to succeed and then to ask for it.
I’m going to be real with y’all. That is not what I wanted to hear. That friend was super well connected and I wanted her to introduce me to someone I could work for who would have better hours and maybe be in my same city so I didn’t have to fuck about with this 7am bullshit.
But it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me that she gave me that real talk instead of telling me what I wanted to hear. Because here’s what happened; I took her advice, I mustered up my courage, and I had a conversation with my boss at the time about my schedule and in that conversation, I asked if I could work from home for a few hours before coming into the office in the morning.
So that way, I kind of didn’t have to get up quite as early because I could wake up and then it’s not like I was doing that beautiful perfect Instagram life thing where I was like, waking up and doing yoga and having breakfast and then starting work.
I would literally just roll out of bed, open the computer and be like, I’m online. That’s where I was at that time. So it allowed me to sleep in a lot later than if I had to literally have my physical body in the office.
And I’m going to tell y’all, I was so nervous and so uncomfortable during that conversation and leading up to that conversation with my boss at the time. I probably acted like a total weirdo but if so, my boss didn’t mention it, bless him. He was so cool, y’all.
This is the thing, you can have the coolest boss in the world and you’re still like, I need to quit and run away. So I get that. I get that if that’s how you feel. I know there are lots of reasons we want to quit our jobs, but I’m still here telling you that we’re still going to work on loving it also not so you can stay in the job, but so that when you leave, you have the skill of loving the work down cold.
Okay, that was an aside. Let’s go back. So I was so nervous during that conversation and I really kind of expected my boss to be like, you want what? But instead, he was like, great, sounds good, do you think you can be in the office by 10am most of the time?
And that was not what I was expecting. I nearly fainted with delight and relief. It was better than my wildest dreams and I didn’t have to quit my job to get it. And then my brain was like, wait, what else is possible? What else could I ask for? How else could I actually do this job by my own design instead of just doing it the way everyone else in this office is doing it?
And so that one experience really changed my life and my capacity to figure out and then ask for whatever it is that I want. And this is what I want for y’all too. I want you to learn how to first figure out what it is you actually want and then second, ask for it and go all in on that asking.
By go all in, I mean get clear with yourself ahead of time on the why when it comes to how whatever it is that you’re requesting is good and makes sense for the person on the other end of the request. Even as nervous as I was when I spoke to my previous boss, I did remember to frame my request as something that would allow me to do better work and therefore would serve the company’s interests as well as mine.
So that’s what I mean by going all in on how you ask. To say it another way, make the business case. Don’t just be like, I want this thing, can I please have it? It’s not that there’s anything wrong with asking in that way, there’s totally not, and sometimes when we’re new to the art of asking, that’s how it comes out.
And that’s okay, it’s still progress, it’s amazing. But when we can be like, okay, what’s the business case? How is this better for everyone? That’s when we get a really compelling ask.
So to recap, making requests will probably feel uncomfortable because it will push back against some of your social conditioning. It might push back against the idea that you should be grateful for what you already have. It might push back against the idea that hard workers are in the office 40 or more hours a week.
It might push back against the idea that it’s taboo to talk about money, and by talk about money, I mean ask for more of it. So step one is seeing that discomfort for what it is, evidence that you’re challenging a social norm you didn’t select on purpose but that your brain learned nevertheless.
Like I said in the boundaries episode, the discomfort doesn’t mean anything bad about you. We all feel it when we push back against our social conditioning and that’s okay. You can feel it and make your request anyway, just like I did with my boss.
Also, you may feel discomfort in even just figuring out what it is actually want to request. This is also normal. When we don't just request what everyone else asks for but instead think deeply about what it is we want, that’s another way of pushing back against social conditioning, and that can create discomfort too. Just let it be there and keep going.
Honestly, you’re going to have discomfort either way, so you get to choose. You can have the discomfort of figuring out and asking for what you want, or you can have the discomfort of not knowing or getting what you want. It’s not like there’s no discomfort if you don’t make requests. It’s just different discomfort.
So once you’ve figured out what you want and you’re ready to ask for it, discomfort and all, sit down and get creative about how you’re going to ask for it. If your brain says there’s no good way to ask for it, just do not take that shit as an answer.
Say to yourself, okay, but if there were an awesome way to ask for it, or even just a pretty good way, what might that look like? And keep asking yourself that question until you come up with something. The brain loves to say I don’t know, but when it realizes you’re not going to give up until you get an answer, it will come up with something. And if you’re still having trouble, just think of someone you admire and ask yourself, how would they pitch the request?
It will still be your own brain coming up with the answer, but thinking of it through the lens of another person, especially someone you admire can be really useful. It allows your brain to tap into ideas that do belong to your brain, but which your brain just doesn’t normally tap into.
It’s kind of like having a dress up closet for your ideas. So I also want you to remember that it’s your job to figure out what you want and get it, and that’s good news. Because when we want someone else to do it for us, when we want our job to just be the way we want it to be, or when we want our boss to just say the thing we want them to say without us having to make a request, then we’re just stuck waiting until they do, and they often don’t.
But when it’s your own job, you can just take your big sexy brain and figure that shit out. That’s what you do all day long. Not let’s do it for you and your own benefit too.
And speaking of big sexy brain, I have a big sexy brain offer for you. To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a few deep dive strategy sessions with my big sexy brain. I want to be very clear that these are not consult calls, they’re not coaching calls.
They are 90-minute sessions where we unpack exactly what’s going on with you and your career, and then we come up with a point-by-point plan for how to get you to where you want to go. I know exactly what it’s like to have an amazing job that you still want to leave.
I also know what it’s like to leave that job and launch a six-figure business, and I can walk you through what that might look like for you. And if you’re not interested in launching a business and you don’t want to leave your job, or if you just want to leave it to do a similar job somewhere else, we can focus on those particular career objectives, whatever they are. We will go to town and figure out a plan for you that is actionable and will delight you.
And I’m going to be giving away just three of these sessions. So you definitely want to try and get one, and in order to be eligible, all you need to do is subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts.
It doesn’t even have to be a five-star review, although of course I hope you love the show and it will be. What I really want is your honest feedback so I can create a show that will blow your mind and help you change your life every week.
So to find out more about the contest and how to enter, just visit korilinn.com/podcastlaunch and fill out the form and you will be entered to win and hopefully you will win. And I will be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode. That’s all I have for y’all today. Have a lovely week and I will talk to you later.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilynn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job (Before You Leave It), the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving womxn who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hey y’all. Before we get into today’s podcast, let me just tell you about something interesting that happened to me. The other day, we went to Traders to buy approximately $1000 worth of frozen vegetables because literally what I like to eat is Trader Joe’s frozen broccoli and cauliflower roasted to within an inch of its life.
And while we were there, I saw lemons, but they didn’t look like normal lemons. They had like, green stripes on them, and the label said pink lemons. And I was like, I don’t know what these are but I just want them. And I was not going to buy them because I was like, I don’t even know what these are, whatever.
And my girlfriend was like, you want them? What if you just buy them? Just get them. They’re like, $1.50 and just buy them and try them. So I did, and now I’m having a glass of water with the pink lemon juice squeezed in it and honestly, I can’t really tell the difference between this and a normal lemon, but I’m really glad I tried them anyway just because I wanted to and just because it’s fun.
And I think for a lot of us as adults and also right now in 2020 with like, having been in quarantine and the pandemic and just everything, there’s always room to try things and have more fun. And I almost didn’t do it. And I’m like a super into fun person.
So for y’all also, and this kind of ties in with our topic, I just want to remind you that it’s okay to try new shit just for fun. Just to see if it’s delightful. And so often we don’t do that, but what if we just did that?
So last week, we talked about boundaries. And this week, we’re talking about requests. And boundaries and requests are not exactly the same as pink lemon juice, but I think they have something in common with that, which is about being curious about what you want and noticing things you’re drawn to and then going from there. And even though boundaries and requests are different from each other, I think that there’s also some overlap between them. A boundary is a choice you make to take care of your own wellbeing, a request is something you want to do but that you also want someone’s buy-in on.
So on the one hand, we can always set up a boundary and others don’t have to like it, although there may be consequences if they don’t. But if we want to make an arrangement that is for our wellbeing but we also do want something from someone else, then that may be the time for a request versus a boundary.
That being said, like boundaries, this is still not about controlling how others act. The way I teach it, making requests is more about the asking. Asking for what you want, owning what you want as you ask for it. It’s more about all of that than it is about whether or not you get it.
Don’t worry, I’m still going to teach you how to make a very compelling request, but I want to see the idea right now that it’s the asking that is the most important. If you get the thing, that’s great. But even if you don’t, learning how to identify and ask for what you want is a hugely important skill in its own right.
So like with boundaries, one of the reasons that womxn don’t ask for what they want at work and other places is because of the social conditioning that we’ve received. Even when we know what we want, we might worry that maybe it’s not okay to ask for it. Not okay to even want it within the privacy of our own heads.
We’re afraid that people will think we’re being greedy or arrogant or self-centered. And sometimes we don’t even know what it is that we want because we’re so caught up in the narrative about what we’re supposed to want. You know, like all those things they teach little girls to want, like a marriage and kids and a partner and a house with a view.
I’ve experienced this in my own life and I’ve seen clients and friends go through this too, where they think they want something, they work their asses off to get it, and then they look at the thing like, wait, what is this? Do I even want this? How did I even get here?
So when it comes to making requests, pushing back against your social conditioning is two-fold. It’s the willingness to ask, that’s essential obviously, but there’s also the exploration of what it is you actually want to ask for and why you want to ask for it.
So often I see womxn ask for what they think they should ask for, versus spending some time to get clear with themselves on what it is that they specifically truly want, and then asking for that.
I went through this myself back when I worked in corporate and one of my brilliant friends gave me some incredibly helpful real talk about it. I was complaining to her that I needed a new job because the one I had had these hours that I didn’t like and it was located in another city, so the commute was often 40 minutes or more, all of which required me to get up super early and y’all, I was not a morning person back then.
I’m really still not, although I’m capable of getting up now and coaching has helped a lot with that. But let me just tell you, the hours in this job were like, seven to 7:30 in the morning is when most people started the job, and then they got off at like, three, 3:30, four o clock.
And that was such a struggle for me. I was not prepared for that. Somehow during the interview process, it did not come up that I would be expected to work in that timeframe or that that’s what the team normally did and that it was very typical for meetings to be scheduled in the seven or 7:30 time slot because we also had a lot of people on our team in Europe.
And I thought it was going to be a nine to five. It was not a nine to five. And so back then, my brain was like, obviously the solution is I just need a different job with better hours. And like I said, I was having a really hard time and this was years before coaching.
So I was just talking to my friend about it and my brilliant friend told me that if I wanted to work different hours, then I needed to ask for that. I don’t remember if she told me directly that I did not need a different job, but I do remember that she told me it was my responsibility to figure out what I needed to succeed and then to ask for it.
I’m going to be real with y’all. That is not what I wanted to hear. That friend was super well connected and I wanted her to introduce me to someone I could work for who would have better hours and maybe be in my same city so I didn’t have to fuck about with this 7am bullshit.
But it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me that she gave me that real talk instead of telling me what I wanted to hear. Because here’s what happened; I took her advice, I mustered up my courage, and I had a conversation with my boss at the time about my schedule and in that conversation, I asked if I could work from home for a few hours before coming into the office in the morning.
So that way, I kind of didn’t have to get up quite as early because I could wake up and then it’s not like I was doing that beautiful perfect Instagram life thing where I was like, waking up and doing yoga and having breakfast and then starting work.
I would literally just roll out of bed, open the computer and be like, I’m online. That’s where I was at that time. So it allowed me to sleep in a lot later than if I had to literally have my physical body in the office.
And I’m going to tell y’all, I was so nervous and so uncomfortable during that conversation and leading up to that conversation with my boss at the time. I probably acted like a total weirdo but if so, my boss didn’t mention it, bless him. He was so cool, y’all.
This is the thing, you can have the coolest boss in the world and you’re still like, I need to quit and run away. So I get that. I get that if that’s how you feel. I know there are lots of reasons we want to quit our jobs, but I’m still here telling you that we’re still going to work on loving it also not so you can stay in the job, but so that when you leave, you have the skill of loving the work down cold.
Okay, that was an aside. Let’s go back. So I was so nervous during that conversation and I really kind of expected my boss to be like, you want what? But instead, he was like, great, sounds good, do you think you can be in the office by 10am most of the time?
And that was not what I was expecting. I nearly fainted with delight and relief. It was better than my wildest dreams and I didn’t have to quit my job to get it. And then my brain was like, wait, what else is possible? What else could I ask for? How else could I actually do this job by my own design instead of just doing it the way everyone else in this office is doing it?
And so that one experience really changed my life and my capacity to figure out and then ask for whatever it is that I want. And this is what I want for y’all too. I want you to learn how to first figure out what it is you actually want and then second, ask for it and go all in on that asking.
By go all in, I mean get clear with yourself ahead of time on the why when it comes to how whatever it is that you’re requesting is good and makes sense for the person on the other end of the request. Even as nervous as I was when I spoke to my previous boss, I did remember to frame my request as something that would allow me to do better work and therefore would serve the company’s interests as well as mine.
So that’s what I mean by going all in on how you ask. To say it another way, make the business case. Don’t just be like, I want this thing, can I please have it? It’s not that there’s anything wrong with asking in that way, there’s totally not, and sometimes when we’re new to the art of asking, that’s how it comes out.
And that’s okay, it’s still progress, it’s amazing. But when we can be like, okay, what’s the business case? How is this better for everyone? That’s when we get a really compelling ask.
So to recap, making requests will probably feel uncomfortable because it will push back against some of your social conditioning. It might push back against the idea that you should be grateful for what you already have. It might push back against the idea that hard workers are in the office 40 or more hours a week.
It might push back against the idea that it’s taboo to talk about money, and by talk about money, I mean ask for more of it. So step one is seeing that discomfort for what it is, evidence that you’re challenging a social norm you didn’t select on purpose but that your brain learned nevertheless.
Like I said in the boundaries episode, the discomfort doesn’t mean anything bad about you. We all feel it when we push back against our social conditioning and that’s okay. You can feel it and make your request anyway, just like I did with my boss.
Also, you may feel discomfort in even just figuring out what it is actually want to request. This is also normal. When we don't just request what everyone else asks for but instead think deeply about what it is we want, that’s another way of pushing back against social conditioning, and that can create discomfort too. Just let it be there and keep going.
Honestly, you’re going to have discomfort either way, so you get to choose. You can have the discomfort of figuring out and asking for what you want, or you can have the discomfort of not knowing or getting what you want. It’s not like there’s no discomfort if you don’t make requests. It’s just different discomfort.
So once you’ve figured out what you want and you’re ready to ask for it, discomfort and all, sit down and get creative about how you’re going to ask for it. If your brain says there’s no good way to ask for it, just do not take that shit as an answer.
Say to yourself, okay, but if there were an awesome way to ask for it, or even just a pretty good way, what might that look like? And keep asking yourself that question until you come up with something. The brain loves to say I don’t know, but when it realizes you’re not going to give up until you get an answer, it will come up with something. And if you’re still having trouble, just think of someone you admire and ask yourself, how would they pitch the request?
It will still be your own brain coming up with the answer, but thinking of it through the lens of another person, especially someone you admire can be really useful. It allows your brain to tap into ideas that do belong to your brain, but which your brain just doesn’t normally tap into.
It’s kind of like having a dress up closet for your ideas. So I also want you to remember that it’s your job to figure out what you want and get it, and that’s good news. Because when we want someone else to do it for us, when we want our job to just be the way we want it to be, or when we want our boss to just say the thing we want them to say without us having to make a request, then we’re just stuck waiting until they do, and they often don’t.
But when it’s your own job, you can just take your big sexy brain and figure that shit out. That’s what you do all day long. Not let’s do it for you and your own benefit too.
And speaking of big sexy brain, I have a big sexy brain offer for you. To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a few deep dive strategy sessions with my big sexy brain. I want to be very clear that these are not consult calls, they’re not coaching calls.
They are 90-minute sessions where we unpack exactly what’s going on with you and your career, and then we come up with a point-by-point plan for how to get you to where you want to go. I know exactly what it’s like to have an amazing job that you still want to leave.
I also know what it’s like to leave that job and launch a six-figure business, and I can walk you through what that might look like for you. And if you’re not interested in launching a business and you don’t want to leave your job, or if you just want to leave it to do a similar job somewhere else, we can focus on those particular career objectives, whatever they are. We will go to town and figure out a plan for you that is actionable and will delight you.
And I’m going to be giving away just three of these sessions. So you definitely want to try and get one, and in order to be eligible, all you need to do is subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts.
It doesn’t even have to be a five-star review, although of course I hope you love the show and it will be. What I really want is your honest feedback so I can create a show that will blow your mind and help you change your life every week.
So to find out more about the contest and how to enter, just visit korilinn.com/podcastlaunch and fill out the form and you will be entered to win and hopefully you will win. And I will be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode. That’s all I have for y’all today. Have a lovely week and I will talk to you later.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We'll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you're feeling super fired up, head on over to korilynn.com for more guidance and resources.
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