117. Why We Don’t Ask for What We Want
Making a request is such an important skill to have.
Whether big or small, at work or with a loved one, the ability to make a request can be the difference between a satisfying experience and a dishearteningly lackluster one (or worse, one where you pretend to be happy even though you really, really aren’t.)
So, yes, it’s an essential skill in a satisfying AF life.
And yet, you may find yourself shying away from making requests.
Why?
Does the idea of opening your mouth and telling someone what you desire scare the shit out of you?
Does the idea of sharing your true preferences make you feel weirdly naked and exposed?
Does it just feel too gosh darn awkward to interrupt the “just the way it is” flow of life and ask for things to be different?
I get it.
I’ve avoided asking for what I want hundreds of times. Maybe thousands.
And I’ve also built this skill up over years and seen the absolute MAGIC that happens when you learn to employ it.
There’s a lot of reasons you may not be asking for what you want.
And we’re going to talk about them in this week’s episode.
And then we’re going to overcome them so you can start building a life and career that’s WILDLY satisfying to you.
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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
Some of the obstacles that get in the way of you asking for what you want.
What you miss out on when you don’t ask for what you want.
How you might be disconnecting from those around you ahead of time.
What happens when you put someone else in charge of your desires being met.
How to practice naming and owning what you want.
Some reasons that you don’t ask for what you want.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week we’re talking about why we don’t ask for what we want.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday. I’m so excited to talk to you. We have a great topic today. I’m sort of obsessed. Before we get into that, I’ll just tell you what’s been going on with me. It’s been raining a lot here in Sacramento, which is fun and not fun.
Part of the reason we moved away from Seattle was because it rained a lot there, and we wanted to live somewhere sunnier. But on the other hand, rain makes the air smells so delicious. And it rejuvenates every-thing and waters all the plants and trees. And so it’s really wonderful. Although we’ve gotten so much rain that there’s been some flooding al-so, so it’s not all fun and games. There are obviously real-world reper-cussions to that.
But I’ve still been taking my long walks, even in the rain, which has been an adventure. I’ve got this giant coat, which is actually Alex’s like swimming coat from when she used to go swimming in the before pan-demic times. And it’s fleece lined and giant and either waterproof, water resistant, something, it’s great. And I’ve been having a great time feel-ing kind of like a little kid because this coat is so ginormous on me. It’s way longer than my arms and comes almost down to my ankles.
So that’s what I’ve been up to, just trying to find ways to do the daily habits that make me feel good even when the circumstances of life don’t particularly align to those habits. Because sometimes, walking in the rain results in getting super soaking wet, which is not always what I would like to do.
So that’s what I’ve been up to. And I wonder what you’ve been up to. How’s your January going so far? What kind of fun things are y’all up to? Come over to Instagram, where I sometimes hang out, and tell me all about it. Tell me what’s going on.
Tell me what’s happening in your career and in your lives and where y’all need some help creating some more wild satisfaction and stuff like that. Come ask me to talk about topics on the podcast and just tell me what’s going on with you. I love to check in and hear from my listeners.
All right, here’s what we’re going to talk about this week. We are going to talk about obstacles that get in the way of you asking for what you want. So one of the very, very, very first podcasts I recorded, I think it’s like episode number four, is about how to ask for what you want. And it’s such an important skill to have, but I wanted to revisit it because I think there are so many reasons why, even when we know that it’s im-portant, we don’t want to do it.
Let’s just take a moment to list some of the reasons why we don’t ask for what we want. We don’t ask for what we want because we don’t want to be needy. We don’t want to be seen as needy. We don’t want to be seen as too much. We don’t want to be seen as demanding. We don’t want to be seen as self-important, self-centered, melodramatic.
So there’s a lot of reasons we don’t ask for what we want that have to do with what other people are going to think about us, and they might have negative judgments about us if we ask for what we want. And then there’s also a lot of us; we don’t ask for what we want because, guess what, asking for what you want can feel vulnerable as fuck.
It can feel very revealing and very tender to ask for what we want. And in a couple of different ways, like, on the one hand, we’re sharing some-thing with other people. But we’re also opening ourselves up for rejec-tion because a request is a request. It’s not a demand. It’s not some-thing that’s like a rule where they’re definitely going to do what we want.
A request is opening ourselves up to being told no and to other people saying they won’t do the thing. And one thing I think that’s so interest-ing, having coached hundreds of people, is how often people won’t ask because of the possibility of hearing no. So like they could hear, yes. Right now, they’re already not getting a yes, but they’ll stick with their definitely not getting a yes, rather than risk hearing a no, which I think is really interesting.
And don’t get me wrong, I also get it because I’m a human being too, and I understand the very distinct vulnerability that can happen around, like actually asking for something. And I understand the way in which it can feel more comfortable just to decide it’s not possible. But the thing about deciding it’s not possible ahead of time is then you just get more of the same. You get what you already have. You don’t even get the opportunity to have the thing that you want.
And you also don’t get to have the conversation with the other person about what would make that available or what wouldn’t make it availa-ble. And you don’t have the opportunity for them to get to know you bet-ter. And you don’t have the opportunity to get to know them better ei-ther. It puts up this disconnect.
And it’s so interesting because I think human beings, we crave connec-tion so badly. We crave belonging so badly. And yet, we’re so afraid, me included, of a lack of belonging, that often we’ll cut ourselves off from potential belonging, we’ll cut ourselves off from the opportunity of getting to connect with people more deeply because we’re so afraid of being disconnected. We’re so afraid of getting disconnected that we disconnect ourselves ahead of time. It’s a really interesting thing to no-tice and see that happen.
And then another common reason I see people not ask for what they want is they think the other person should just know and do the thing without them having to ask for it. And I think that one’s really interesting. I’ve coached so many clients where I’m like, okay, but would you go to a restaurant and just expect them to bring what you want without you telling them? Like, no, the fuck you would not.
You would not do that. You wouldn’t be like, “I want a pizza.” And they’d be like, “What kind?” And you’d be like, “I’m not going to tell you. You have to guess, and if you get it wrong, I’m going to be mad at you.” But we do that in our personal lives all the time. And sometimes in our pro-fessional lives, too.
We think that if other people were good at, you know if they were a good partner, if they were a good boss, if they were a good colleague, if they were a good child, if they were a good bestie, if they were a good parent, cousin, whatever, that they would just know what to do. And I think this one is actually really interesting because it allows you to be upset about what you’re not getting. But it lets you off the hook of own-ing your own desire.
And here’s the thing, a lot of times on this podcast, the things you’re go-ing to hear me say are going to be about letting yourself off the hook because there are a lot of hooks that I think it’s not useful to be on. But when we make someone else in charge of our desire being met, that puts us in a kind of shitty position because then we’re like a recipient of our desire versus the active director of the desire.
And then we just have to sit around and wait to see what will happen. It’s a very disempowered place to be. And I think it makes much more sense to be empowered around your own desire and to own it yourself. And I get that that can be really hard and uncomfortable. And it pushes back on a lot of the social programming of, like, if they wanted to, they would, or if they cared, they would figure it out, or they should just know what I want because it’s what everyone wants. It allows you, like I said, to be upset, but without you being willing to come forward and own your desire.
And listen, if there’s someone in your life that you’ve owned your desire around a lot and they’re not willing to meet it, and you don’t want to have that conversation anymore, fine. But if there’s someone in your life and you have a desire, and they’ve never met it, and you’ve never told them about it or even begun to introduce the idea that maybe it could be met, I think that’s potentially an opportunity for you to practice naming what you want and asking for it.
And in order to do that, you’re going to need a few skills. And the first skill is you’re going to need to be able to tolerate discomfort. So with all these obstacles to asking for what we want, one of the basic skill sets is you’re probably going to be uncomfortable.
You’re going to be uncomfortable because they might say no. You’re going to be uncomfortable because you’re being vulnerable. You’re go-ing to be uncomfortable because you don’t want to be too much, or too needy, or not enough, or all of that bullshit that we’re all socialized to worry about being. Or you’re going to be uncomfortable because your brain is telling you, screaming inside, that they should just know to do this thing.
And listen, I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not as delicious as an ice cream cone. It is work. And I’m still going to invite you to consider doing that work because when you have that skill set to ask for what you want, you’re going to get so much more of what you want in life. And it’s going to be so much easier to say goodbye to situations, people, and ideas who aren’t able to meet you where you are.
And if you don’t want to say goodbye to them, I actually also think it’s much easier to make peace with not getting the things we want when we decide not to leave when we’ve at least had the conversation. And then we actually know we’re not going to get what we want.
Life is life, and people are imperfect. The whole fucking thing is imper-fect. It’s just a wild fucking ride, and so we’re not always going to get what we want. But when you ask, you can at least maybe get what you want. Or maybe get something else or just find out you’re not going to get it and then choose to make peace with that.
Like I have an extremely spectacular relationship with my significant other, Alex, I talk about it all the time. I don’t get everything I want in the relationship, and neither does she. But we try to practice asking each other for what we want. And I do think that means we get a lot more of it than if we just sat around waiting for the other one to magically read our minds and deliver what we wanted.
And if you’re feeling a little called out by this, I get that, and I’m like sending you a hug through the podcast. I would probably feel called out by this also if I were listening. I’m recording the podcast, and I still feel a little called out by myself, which I think is really important for y’all to know. I’m not over here on any high horse or pedestal like I do this all the time. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.
I’m right alongside y’all practicing the shit out of this all the fucking time. And I’ve seen my life magically transform, like asterisk, it’s not fucking magic. It’s hard work. It’s the hard work I’ve put in to ask for what I want, even when it felt wildly uncomfortable. But when you do that, it can ap-pear to be a magical transformation. Just if you do that, know that you are the magic. You did that. It’s your transformation.
Okay, so a couple of skills that are required, and I already said being willing to be uncomfortable, but let’s back up even a little bit from that. Get clear with yourself about what your specific obstacles are. Is it something I listed already in this podcast? Is it something else I didn’t even list? If it’s something else I didn’t list, write in, and maybe we’ll do another podcast with all your other reasons. We’ll have a part two, maybe.
What is blocking you? Is it that it would feel too vulnerable? If it would feel too vulnerable, why? Why would it feel too vulnerable? If it’s that you just cannot hear the word no about this, why? Why would it be so bad to hear the word no about this? What would you make it mean if you did? Pick one thing you want to ask for to do this exercise around.
So pick one thing you want to ask for that you’re not asking for, that you haven’t asked for, or that you stopped asking for. And then ask yourself, what are your specific obstacles? And realize that that’s not you alone in the universe with those obstacles. These are patterns that many people face.
And if you were socialized as a woman, a lot of the reasons you’re not going to ask for what you want are not inherent to you. They are things you’ve literally been taught to think and believe because we live in a pa-triarchy that teaches women to put everybody else before them and to question themselves and to belittle themselves and all kinds of other shit.
And you may have some other marginalized identities too, where you may have received even more socialization in other ways about whether it’s okay to ask, what it’s okay to ask for, how you have to ask, who you’re allowed to ask, what you’re allowed to ask for, what you’re not al-lowed to ask for, et cetera. And so you want to like kind of get all of that out of your head and take a look at it.
And then, again, to circle back to what I said before, cultivating the abil-ity to feel uncomfortable and take action anyways. If you want some-thing and you’re not getting it, and you haven’t been asking for it, there are reasons why you haven’t been asking for it. And probably the rea-son is that you have these hidden obstacles. And overcoming those hidden obstacles will feel uncomfortable, right?
And so then just ask yourself, are you willing to tolerate that discomfort to try to get what you want? Why or why not? And if the answer is no, that’s fine. But if you want to develop this skill and the answer is no, do you want to maybe root around and figure out something that’s lower stakes that you could practice asking for because that’s going to be our next skill set.
If you’re not used to asking for what you want, and you want to build the capacity to ask for what you want, and you want to build the capacity to overcome these obstacles, then practice is a great way to do that. And so if there’s something big that you want, but you don’t want to ask for it, and you’re not willing to do that, and you’re not willing to tolerate that discomfort right now, that’s okay. Is there something smaller you could practice with?
And if the idea of doing a real-time ask is fucking terrifying, maybe find a nice, kind, compassionate friend and do practice asking. So what you’re going to do is you’re going to role play asking them. And it’ll feel safer to you because it won’t be a real situation. Like you’re going to take the friend and say, hey, I want to practice asking. Can I practice asking you these things?
And if you’re really afraid of being told no, you can actually also tell the person to tell you no. This is good, too, if they really struggle with say-ing no. It’ll be like a fun little activity for both of you, asterisk, like not super fun. It’ll actually feel terrible. But it will also feel really powerful because you’re building a new skill set.
And let’s also mention for a lot of people who aren’t willing to ask for things, sometimes they’re not willing to ask for things because they also struggle to say no, and they don’t like it when other people ask them for things. So if part of the reason you don’t ask other people for things is because you don’t like it when people ask you because you have a hard time saying no, I would practice both skills.
I would practice the skill of asking for what you want. And I would also practice the skill of saying no. And that’s also something else you can do; you can role play with a friend so you can try the activity on in a very easy, fun, low-stakes way where everyone understands that that’s what you’re doing and it’s not a real ask that’s taking place.
Okay, so that’s what I have for you today. I think these are some of the most common obstacles to asking for what you want. And this is the methodology for how to overcome that, which is get clear on what the obstacle is, maybe do a little exploration on that. And then understand that doing the ask is going to feel uncomfortable.
And then, if you’re feeling bold, go fucking full steam for the ask. And if you’re not feeling bold, maybe ask for something smaller or do a prac-tice ask. And you can also go and listen to podcast number four as well for an even deeper dive in the how-to of actually how to ask for what you want. This week’s podcast is more about like what obstacles come up when we might want to ask for something and aren’t doing it and how to overcome those.
And listen, if you have some really big changes you want to make that you’re scared to make or big things you want to ask for but that you to-tally don’t want to ask for it because it scares the shit out of you, and you want to do that in a faster way, I think coaching is one of the fastest ways to build this skill set. And you can do it in one-on-one coaching or in the Satisfied As Fuck small group coaching container.
One thing that’s amazing about being in group coaching is you’re with all these other wonderful humans who are also working on the same stuff. So you can really galvanize yourself from seeing the work that other people are doing. And it gives you this community to belong to while you navigate this discomfort and try new things and learn these new skills.
And if you are feeling more private and want a lot of individual attention, one-on-one coaching is more suited to that. But let’s also just be hon-est, whether you do this work on your own or you come and do the work in a coaching container, at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to navigate that discomfort, and you’re still going to have to do some-thing new.
If you want to have a new result, you have to be willing to do something different than what you’ve been doing. So that’s going to be required, no matter which way you do the work. And I think that’s just important to know. And it’s okay if that feels really fucking scary. It feels really fuck-ing scary for most of us.
And you know what? You can do it, you’ve got this, you’re a badass, and you can ask for what you want. Even if right now that idea of doing that scares the shit out of you, you can learn to do it. And eventually, over time, it gets easier and easier and less scary. And before you know it, it’s just a skill in your skill set.
All right, that’s what I have for you this week. Have a lovely week. I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.
Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday. I’m so excited to talk to you. We have a great topic today. I’m sort of obsessed. Before we get into that, I’ll just tell you what’s been going on with me. It’s been raining a lot here in Sacramento, which is fun and not fun.
Part of the reason we moved away from Seattle was because it rained a lot there, and we wanted to live somewhere sunnier. But on the other hand, rain makes the air smells so delicious. And it rejuvenates every-thing and waters all the plants and trees. And so it’s really wonderful. Although we’ve gotten so much rain that there’s been some flooding al-so, so it’s not all fun and games. There are obviously real-world reper-cussions to that.
But I’ve still been taking my long walks, even in the rain, which has been an adventure. I’ve got this giant coat, which is actually Alex’s like swimming coat from when she used to go swimming in the before pan-demic times. And it’s fleece lined and giant and either waterproof, water resistant, something, it’s great. And I’ve been having a great time feel-ing kind of like a little kid because this coat is so ginormous on me. It’s way longer than my arms and comes almost down to my ankles.
So that’s what I’ve been up to, just trying to find ways to do the daily habits that make me feel good even when the circumstances of life don’t particularly align to those habits. Because sometimes, walking in the rain results in getting super soaking wet, which is not always what I would like to do.
So that’s what I’ve been up to. And I wonder what you’ve been up to. How’s your January going so far? What kind of fun things are y’all up to? Come over to Instagram, where I sometimes hang out, and tell me all about it. Tell me what’s going on.
Tell me what’s happening in your career and in your lives and where y’all need some help creating some more wild satisfaction and stuff like that. Come ask me to talk about topics on the podcast and just tell me what’s going on with you. I love to check in and hear from my listeners.
All right, here’s what we’re going to talk about this week. We are going to talk about obstacles that get in the way of you asking for what you want. So one of the very, very, very first podcasts I recorded, I think it’s like episode number four, is about how to ask for what you want. And it’s such an important skill to have, but I wanted to revisit it because I think there are so many reasons why, even when we know that it’s im-portant, we don’t want to do it.
Let’s just take a moment to list some of the reasons why we don’t ask for what we want. We don’t ask for what we want because we don’t want to be needy. We don’t want to be seen as needy. We don’t want to be seen as too much. We don’t want to be seen as demanding. We don’t want to be seen as self-important, self-centered, melodramatic.
So there’s a lot of reasons we don’t ask for what we want that have to do with what other people are going to think about us, and they might have negative judgments about us if we ask for what we want. And then there’s also a lot of us; we don’t ask for what we want because, guess what, asking for what you want can feel vulnerable as fuck.
It can feel very revealing and very tender to ask for what we want. And in a couple of different ways, like, on the one hand, we’re sharing some-thing with other people. But we’re also opening ourselves up for rejec-tion because a request is a request. It’s not a demand. It’s not some-thing that’s like a rule where they’re definitely going to do what we want.
A request is opening ourselves up to being told no and to other people saying they won’t do the thing. And one thing I think that’s so interest-ing, having coached hundreds of people, is how often people won’t ask because of the possibility of hearing no. So like they could hear, yes. Right now, they’re already not getting a yes, but they’ll stick with their definitely not getting a yes, rather than risk hearing a no, which I think is really interesting.
And don’t get me wrong, I also get it because I’m a human being too, and I understand the very distinct vulnerability that can happen around, like actually asking for something. And I understand the way in which it can feel more comfortable just to decide it’s not possible. But the thing about deciding it’s not possible ahead of time is then you just get more of the same. You get what you already have. You don’t even get the opportunity to have the thing that you want.
And you also don’t get to have the conversation with the other person about what would make that available or what wouldn’t make it availa-ble. And you don’t have the opportunity for them to get to know you bet-ter. And you don’t have the opportunity to get to know them better ei-ther. It puts up this disconnect.
And it’s so interesting because I think human beings, we crave connec-tion so badly. We crave belonging so badly. And yet, we’re so afraid, me included, of a lack of belonging, that often we’ll cut ourselves off from potential belonging, we’ll cut ourselves off from the opportunity of getting to connect with people more deeply because we’re so afraid of being disconnected. We’re so afraid of getting disconnected that we disconnect ourselves ahead of time. It’s a really interesting thing to no-tice and see that happen.
And then another common reason I see people not ask for what they want is they think the other person should just know and do the thing without them having to ask for it. And I think that one’s really interesting. I’ve coached so many clients where I’m like, okay, but would you go to a restaurant and just expect them to bring what you want without you telling them? Like, no, the fuck you would not.
You would not do that. You wouldn’t be like, “I want a pizza.” And they’d be like, “What kind?” And you’d be like, “I’m not going to tell you. You have to guess, and if you get it wrong, I’m going to be mad at you.” But we do that in our personal lives all the time. And sometimes in our pro-fessional lives, too.
We think that if other people were good at, you know if they were a good partner, if they were a good boss, if they were a good colleague, if they were a good child, if they were a good bestie, if they were a good parent, cousin, whatever, that they would just know what to do. And I think this one is actually really interesting because it allows you to be upset about what you’re not getting. But it lets you off the hook of own-ing your own desire.
And here’s the thing, a lot of times on this podcast, the things you’re go-ing to hear me say are going to be about letting yourself off the hook because there are a lot of hooks that I think it’s not useful to be on. But when we make someone else in charge of our desire being met, that puts us in a kind of shitty position because then we’re like a recipient of our desire versus the active director of the desire.
And then we just have to sit around and wait to see what will happen. It’s a very disempowered place to be. And I think it makes much more sense to be empowered around your own desire and to own it yourself. And I get that that can be really hard and uncomfortable. And it pushes back on a lot of the social programming of, like, if they wanted to, they would, or if they cared, they would figure it out, or they should just know what I want because it’s what everyone wants. It allows you, like I said, to be upset, but without you being willing to come forward and own your desire.
And listen, if there’s someone in your life that you’ve owned your desire around a lot and they’re not willing to meet it, and you don’t want to have that conversation anymore, fine. But if there’s someone in your life and you have a desire, and they’ve never met it, and you’ve never told them about it or even begun to introduce the idea that maybe it could be met, I think that’s potentially an opportunity for you to practice naming what you want and asking for it.
And in order to do that, you’re going to need a few skills. And the first skill is you’re going to need to be able to tolerate discomfort. So with all these obstacles to asking for what we want, one of the basic skill sets is you’re probably going to be uncomfortable.
You’re going to be uncomfortable because they might say no. You’re going to be uncomfortable because you’re being vulnerable. You’re go-ing to be uncomfortable because you don’t want to be too much, or too needy, or not enough, or all of that bullshit that we’re all socialized to worry about being. Or you’re going to be uncomfortable because your brain is telling you, screaming inside, that they should just know to do this thing.
And listen, I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not as delicious as an ice cream cone. It is work. And I’m still going to invite you to consider doing that work because when you have that skill set to ask for what you want, you’re going to get so much more of what you want in life. And it’s going to be so much easier to say goodbye to situations, people, and ideas who aren’t able to meet you where you are.
And if you don’t want to say goodbye to them, I actually also think it’s much easier to make peace with not getting the things we want when we decide not to leave when we’ve at least had the conversation. And then we actually know we’re not going to get what we want.
Life is life, and people are imperfect. The whole fucking thing is imper-fect. It’s just a wild fucking ride, and so we’re not always going to get what we want. But when you ask, you can at least maybe get what you want. Or maybe get something else or just find out you’re not going to get it and then choose to make peace with that.
Like I have an extremely spectacular relationship with my significant other, Alex, I talk about it all the time. I don’t get everything I want in the relationship, and neither does she. But we try to practice asking each other for what we want. And I do think that means we get a lot more of it than if we just sat around waiting for the other one to magically read our minds and deliver what we wanted.
And if you’re feeling a little called out by this, I get that, and I’m like sending you a hug through the podcast. I would probably feel called out by this also if I were listening. I’m recording the podcast, and I still feel a little called out by myself, which I think is really important for y’all to know. I’m not over here on any high horse or pedestal like I do this all the time. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.
I’m right alongside y’all practicing the shit out of this all the fucking time. And I’ve seen my life magically transform, like asterisk, it’s not fucking magic. It’s hard work. It’s the hard work I’ve put in to ask for what I want, even when it felt wildly uncomfortable. But when you do that, it can ap-pear to be a magical transformation. Just if you do that, know that you are the magic. You did that. It’s your transformation.
Okay, so a couple of skills that are required, and I already said being willing to be uncomfortable, but let’s back up even a little bit from that. Get clear with yourself about what your specific obstacles are. Is it something I listed already in this podcast? Is it something else I didn’t even list? If it’s something else I didn’t list, write in, and maybe we’ll do another podcast with all your other reasons. We’ll have a part two, maybe.
What is blocking you? Is it that it would feel too vulnerable? If it would feel too vulnerable, why? Why would it feel too vulnerable? If it’s that you just cannot hear the word no about this, why? Why would it be so bad to hear the word no about this? What would you make it mean if you did? Pick one thing you want to ask for to do this exercise around.
So pick one thing you want to ask for that you’re not asking for, that you haven’t asked for, or that you stopped asking for. And then ask yourself, what are your specific obstacles? And realize that that’s not you alone in the universe with those obstacles. These are patterns that many people face.
And if you were socialized as a woman, a lot of the reasons you’re not going to ask for what you want are not inherent to you. They are things you’ve literally been taught to think and believe because we live in a pa-triarchy that teaches women to put everybody else before them and to question themselves and to belittle themselves and all kinds of other shit.
And you may have some other marginalized identities too, where you may have received even more socialization in other ways about whether it’s okay to ask, what it’s okay to ask for, how you have to ask, who you’re allowed to ask, what you’re allowed to ask for, what you’re not al-lowed to ask for, et cetera. And so you want to like kind of get all of that out of your head and take a look at it.
And then, again, to circle back to what I said before, cultivating the abil-ity to feel uncomfortable and take action anyways. If you want some-thing and you’re not getting it, and you haven’t been asking for it, there are reasons why you haven’t been asking for it. And probably the rea-son is that you have these hidden obstacles. And overcoming those hidden obstacles will feel uncomfortable, right?
And so then just ask yourself, are you willing to tolerate that discomfort to try to get what you want? Why or why not? And if the answer is no, that’s fine. But if you want to develop this skill and the answer is no, do you want to maybe root around and figure out something that’s lower stakes that you could practice asking for because that’s going to be our next skill set.
If you’re not used to asking for what you want, and you want to build the capacity to ask for what you want, and you want to build the capacity to overcome these obstacles, then practice is a great way to do that. And so if there’s something big that you want, but you don’t want to ask for it, and you’re not willing to do that, and you’re not willing to tolerate that discomfort right now, that’s okay. Is there something smaller you could practice with?
And if the idea of doing a real-time ask is fucking terrifying, maybe find a nice, kind, compassionate friend and do practice asking. So what you’re going to do is you’re going to role play asking them. And it’ll feel safer to you because it won’t be a real situation. Like you’re going to take the friend and say, hey, I want to practice asking. Can I practice asking you these things?
And if you’re really afraid of being told no, you can actually also tell the person to tell you no. This is good, too, if they really struggle with say-ing no. It’ll be like a fun little activity for both of you, asterisk, like not super fun. It’ll actually feel terrible. But it will also feel really powerful because you’re building a new skill set.
And let’s also mention for a lot of people who aren’t willing to ask for things, sometimes they’re not willing to ask for things because they also struggle to say no, and they don’t like it when other people ask them for things. So if part of the reason you don’t ask other people for things is because you don’t like it when people ask you because you have a hard time saying no, I would practice both skills.
I would practice the skill of asking for what you want. And I would also practice the skill of saying no. And that’s also something else you can do; you can role play with a friend so you can try the activity on in a very easy, fun, low-stakes way where everyone understands that that’s what you’re doing and it’s not a real ask that’s taking place.
Okay, so that’s what I have for you today. I think these are some of the most common obstacles to asking for what you want. And this is the methodology for how to overcome that, which is get clear on what the obstacle is, maybe do a little exploration on that. And then understand that doing the ask is going to feel uncomfortable.
And then, if you’re feeling bold, go fucking full steam for the ask. And if you’re not feeling bold, maybe ask for something smaller or do a prac-tice ask. And you can also go and listen to podcast number four as well for an even deeper dive in the how-to of actually how to ask for what you want. This week’s podcast is more about like what obstacles come up when we might want to ask for something and aren’t doing it and how to overcome those.
And listen, if you have some really big changes you want to make that you’re scared to make or big things you want to ask for but that you to-tally don’t want to ask for it because it scares the shit out of you, and you want to do that in a faster way, I think coaching is one of the fastest ways to build this skill set. And you can do it in one-on-one coaching or in the Satisfied As Fuck small group coaching container.
One thing that’s amazing about being in group coaching is you’re with all these other wonderful humans who are also working on the same stuff. So you can really galvanize yourself from seeing the work that other people are doing. And it gives you this community to belong to while you navigate this discomfort and try new things and learn these new skills.
And if you are feeling more private and want a lot of individual attention, one-on-one coaching is more suited to that. But let’s also just be hon-est, whether you do this work on your own or you come and do the work in a coaching container, at the end of the day, you’re still going to have to navigate that discomfort, and you’re still going to have to do some-thing new.
If you want to have a new result, you have to be willing to do something different than what you’ve been doing. So that’s going to be required, no matter which way you do the work. And I think that’s just important to know. And it’s okay if that feels really fucking scary. It feels really fuck-ing scary for most of us.
And you know what? You can do it, you’ve got this, you’re a badass, and you can ask for what you want. Even if right now that idea of doing that scares the shit out of you, you can learn to do it. And eventually, over time, it gets easier and easier and less scary. And before you know it, it’s just a skill in your skill set.
All right, that’s what I have for you this week. Have a lovely week. I will talk to you next time. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
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