What Christmas shopping can teach you about yourself

I want to tell y'all a little story about my experience getting Christmas presents for my girlfriend. 

Believe it or not, this is actually super relevant to burnout and life in the office. 

So, this is my third Christmas with my girlfriend. The previous two years, I've done a pretty bang-up job at getting her presents that she loves. I put a lot of time and thought and energy into figuring out what would be a perfect gift for her. 

Which basically means that I have a data set that I am really good at this task. 

And you would think that would mean I am super confident about my ability to do it again. 

But no. 

This year, I caught my brain worrying and stressing about what I'm getting her. I was thinking things like, what if she doesn't like this? And what if the thing I think is perfect isn't at all what she wants?

Instead of feeling confident and like of course I'll get something she loves, because I have so much data that I am capable of doing so, my brain decided that my excellent track record was a liability.

Once I discovered this thought error, I was fascinated, and I really picked it apart so that I could see what was happening. 

Here's what was going on beneath the surface: my brain decided that because I'd done so well in previous years, I needed to do at least as well this year. And really, I should do better if at all possible. Oh, and as it that weren't enough, my brain was also connecting my gift choosing ability with my general worthiness as a human being and specifically as a girlfriend. 

I know y'all have experienced this before, maybe about gift giving, but definitely about work. 

Your brain is like, ok, do really, really, amazingly well at this. Or you suck as a person, an employee, a daughter, etc etc. 

When we say it out loud it sounds silly, but many of us are doing this all the time, about all kinds of things. 

It's like getting straight As. It feels awesome for a minute and then we're like, ok, we need straight As again, and an A+ if we can get one, otherwise we're a complete failure of a person. 

Because we did so well in the past, that became the new normal. And by normal, we really mean the new minimum we need to hit to even just be ok. 

But when your bar to be ok is also almost at the top end of what's even possible, things don't really work. 

For me and my Christmas presents, this meant that instead of seeing myself as an expert who only had to do what she already knew how to do, I saw myself as someone who had pulled off something amazing twice already had to do it again otherwise I was basically failing at Christmas. 

Can you see what a trap this is?

First of all, it's not a very fun way to do things. Selecting thoughtful gifts for people can be a total delight. But when thoughtful gifts are mandatory and you're trying to use your ability to achieve them as a way to create your self worth, then it stops being delightful and starts feeling like a stressful nightmare.

And the same is true of working in an office. Solving problems and creating work can actually be super fun and meaningful. But when perfection is required and you're depending on your work performance to create your self worth, that sets you up for stress and strips the joy out of your efforts. 

Second of all, this is an example of how the brain can use positive data to tell a negative story. 

All of our brains have a negativity bias. It's not their fault. It's just the way they evolved, and this bias can actually be helpful in certain situations. But it also means that brains are obsessed with potential problems and constantly scanning for threats. 

In my Christmas shopping experience, this means that I take all the data of how well I've done in the past, and instead of seeing that as proof I am good at this, I see it as a bar that I have to continue to perform to. If I've always given great presents and I give a good present, then my performance is trending downwards.

Now, let's just pause to point out that I am talking about Christmas present shopping. 

Not how I show up in the relationship as a whole. Not how kind or generous of a partner I am. Just what material good I have bought and wrapped in shiny paper and placed under an indoor tree. 

And yet, if I don't pay attention and gently redirect my brain, it will legit tell me that this is a matter of great importance and that if I mess it up there will be serious consequences. 

Again, our brains do things like this in the office all the time. (But it's funnier when we're talking about Christmas presents, isn't it??)

At the office, there are often lots of smaller tasks that don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. Yes, they need to get done. Yes, you'd like them to be done well.

But left unchecked, we will spend lots of time and energy and effort perfecting them in a way that isn't necessary and/or stressing about whether they're good enough and what it means if they're not. 

But when we slow down and see what our brains are doing, then we have the opportunity to change everything. 

I still want to get my girlfriend a thoughtful present. And I want to do amazing work when I'm working. 

But doing those things because I want to and thinking I have to do them perfectly are not at all the same. 

When we want to get someone the perfect gift or do an amazing job, we're usually doing that because we want to experience what we think will happen if we are successful.

Think about the last time you gave someone a gift they really liked. 

It felt amazing, right?

But why did it feel amazing? We think it's because they loved the present. 

But it's not. It's because of the thoughts we were thinking at the time.

When we think to ourselves, they loved that gift, we feel good. We think it means that we really know them or we were really paying attention or we're so good at this (and it's fun to be good at stuff).

When we do well at work, it's the same.

It's not the doing a good job that feels good. It's the thought that we did well. 

How do we know this is true? 

Easy. There are tons of people giving amazing gifts and doing excellent work who still feel like shit. 

If I give my girlfriend a present that she loves, but I have the thought that she probably doesn't like it, I won't feel as happy. Because that thought doesn't feel good. Even if she says she likes it, if I think she doesn't, then that's what I'll experience. You've probably experienced this yourself. 

And the same is true with work. 

If you do an amazing job, but you think your work could be better, your boss can praise you all day long, but you won't feel better. You'll think she's just being nice or trying to cheer you up or that she has terrible standards.

And all of this doesn't mean we shouldn't do good work or give thoughtful presents. 

But like I said before, it's about doing things because you want to do them and deciding ahead of time how to think about the outcome.

For my girlfriend's Christmas present, that means I get her something I think she'll like because it's fun to try to wow her. And I decide ahead of time to think that I'm usually really good at gifts, and it's also ok if I miss the mark sometimes. Because if you don't have room to miss the mark, you don't have room to be creative, and I love to be creative. 

For work, that means I choose to show up with commitment and energy, whether I feel like doing a given task or not, because I love my business and I want to do the work to grow it, even if that work isn't always what I want to do in the moment. And I decide ahead of time to think that I'm really good at figuring things out along the way. 

What have you been trying to accomplish that totally feels essential and like if you mess it up you're basically failing at life? 

How could you change how you talk to yourself about that goal so that it feels like a choice you're making instead of a requirement? And what do you want to decide ahead of time to think about the outcome, no matter what it is?