205. How to Feel Good About Yourself No Matter What
So many of us only feel good about ourselves when we’re productive, doing well, and people are happy with us.
But what if you could feel good about yourself regardless of how well things are going?
So many high-achieving women get stuck in a cycle of doing more because they want to feel better. Whether it’s work, parenting, or relationships, they go, go, go, trying to reach some peak of accomplishment where they’ll finally feel good enough.
Spoiler alert: this leads to burnout and dissatisfaction rather than a lasting sense of worthiness.
Today’s episode will explain why this pattern happens, where it comes from, why it doesn’t work, and what will actually lead to you feeling good about yourself no matter what.
Want customized support creating your wildly delicious life? Let’s hop on a free consultation call.
I’ll help you understand the blockers you’re facing and how to handle them moving forward. And I’ll share how a three-month 1:1 coaching package could supercharge your progress as well as your satisfaction.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
The real reason you don’t feel good enough.
Why doing more and being better is not the solution.
What actually needs to change for you to feel good about yourself no matter what.
How to pursue goals from a place of confidence and self-worth.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
This week, we're talking about how to feel good about yourself, no matter what.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs. No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one of a kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello. This is Kori Linn, and welcome back to another episode of Satisfied AF. Today, we're diving into a topic that comes up with a lot of my clients, and that is not feeling good about yourself, especially in any area where you think you could be doing better.
This can show up in so many different places in your life, such as career, productivity level, not feeling like a good enough wife, not feeling like a good enough mom. It can even show up in your hobbies. Like for me, sometimes I get frustrated with myself when I'm at my country dancing night. If I mess up a line dance or miss a cue from a lead or do not understand what is going on in the dance, I know I'm a good dancer, but I do not always feel good about myself when I dance, which is rude, frankly.
Maybe you experience this too. Maybe you do not feel good about yourself at work. You do a lot, and sometimes folks say nice things about your work, but there is that person who said your strategy doc did not make sense, and even though you disagree with her, you worry, and you keep saying yes to more and more tasks, even unimportant ones, because dammit, you want to show everyone you're a team player and an asset to the company. Or maybe you're struggling with parenting your kids.
You're lucky in that they were so easy when they were little, but now neither of them listen to anything you say and you're at your wit's end. You think if you were a good mom, they would be better behaved. Maybe you made some kind of mistake or you would not be in this position. And the fact that you're dead tired of parenting them does not add to your sense of self-esteem in this area.
Or maybe you keep losing your temper with your spouse. You know they're a great person, you love them. Sometimes you even wonder why you cannot just be nice to them, but then they unload the dishwasher and it is like they have never been to your kitchen before and the silverware drawer looks like a bomb went off. Maybe you even go back and forth wondering if you're a bad wife or if they're the bad one.
I coach on situations like this all the time with my clients, especially high-achieving women. They're capable, they're driven, and they know how to get things done. But in certain situations, they still end up feeling like they're just not good enough.
It is just like me with the dancing. They know they're good, and yet they do not feel good about themselves. It is like there is no room for error. Either they're doing great, and they get to feel confident, or they have messed up, and now they are not allowed to feel good about themselves at all.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone, and today we're going to talk about why this happens and how you can start to change it. Let's get specific. One of the most common thought patterns I see in situations like this is some variation of, I have to do as well as I can in order to feel good about myself.
This idea might seem harmless, but it is actually just the kind of thought that can backfire and lead to feeling badly about yourself.
It can lead to overworking, overcommitting, and burning yourself out, all because you think that is what it takes to feel good about yourself. And on the flip side, it can lead to self-doubt, shame, and even despair when you make mistakes, set boundaries, or even just delegate responsibility. This thought pattern often shows up when you have subconsciously tied your value as a person to your productivity or performance.
Maybe you're amazing at your job and you know you're capable, but there is still this nagging sense that you have to keep proving it. And if you do not, you feel bad about yourself. Weirdly, you may also feel bad about yourself when you do keep proving it. You might wonder why you're so hard on yourself, why you cannot slow down, and why you cannot just feel confident and know your worth all the time.
And this thought pattern does not just show up at your day job. It also shows up in your parenting, marriage, friendship, and family relationships. Like I said before, like with me and dancing, it can even show up in your hobbies. You may find that it is hard to feel good about yourself in any arena if you perceive that there are things you're leaving undone.
And let's face it, there are always things that get left undone, especially for working moms, especially for folks with a side hustle, especially for people taking care of aging parents. Even life as a single person can feel massively overwhelming with work, trying to move your body on a regular basis, navigating tricky family dynamics, and trying to feed yourself actual meals.
It is a recipe for feeling bad about yourself and burning out too. Maybe you grew up in an environment where it was instilled in you that it was essential to be the best or work the hardest to be seen as valuable, worthy, and good enough. Or maybe your workplace culture rewards those who are constantly on the clock and always available. Whatever the case, the result is the same.
If you internalize the idea that your worthiness is directly tied to your performance and productivity, you end up feeling like you're in a never-ending race to prove yourself and gain approval. Even when you do well, it may be hard to feel good about yourself.
And if you try to say no, set boundaries, or even establish clear expectations, it may leave you with this sinking sense that you're not doing enough and therefore not allowed to feel good about yourself. Like a lot of the burnout-inducing thought patterns we talk about here, there are moments where this mentality might seem like it is beneficial.
You're probably delivering great results and getting positive feedback sometimes, but at what cost? Let's discuss. First, burnout. Working nonstop in the office and at home is exhausting. It leaves you drained, and eventually your performance suffers because you're running on empty.
And let's be honest, burnout is not just about how much you're working, it is also about the mental toll, both during the work, but especially when you're not working. Trying to rest may feel impossible if it comes with a side of deliberating if you have actually done enough to allow yourself that permission to relax.
Second, resentment. When you're constantly pushing yourself to demonstrate your value and worthiness through your effort and labor, you may start to feel resentful towards your job, your boss, your spouse, your friends, your kids, and maybe even yourself.
You resent your commitments and the effort of maintaining them, and you also resent others who do not rise to your level of performance and productivity. Third, fear of failure. You become so focused on maintaining your image that the fear of making a mistake or falling short can paralyze you. Instead of taking risks or trying new things or even delegating something that you would normally do yourself, you stay in your comfort zone, but your comfort zone is one where you're doing way too much probably.
So you stay in your comfort zone because you do not want to risk losing the value you have worked so hard to prove. And this is not just a work thing. You may over-give to your spouse because it is easier to keep doing that than to set limits and let them do more for themselves. If you do not do everything for them, it may be harder to see yourself as the good one. You may be rigid in your parenting, pushing yourself to get it right, frustrating yourself and your kids in the process, and then wind up laying awake at night, scared that you're totally failing at parenting, but also too nervous to try a different approach. You may even avoid certain hobbies or activities you would like to pursue because of the risk of performing poorly.
Even seeing those downsides, you may be reluctant to relinquish this thought pattern. It may feel totally alien and weird to imagine feeling good about yourself, not just good, but proud, confident, and satisfied even when you're not doing well. And what about feeling good about yourself when you have made a mistake or potentially even failed entirely
At work, you may be able to keep your performance up through sheer grit, but at home, we totally face plants sometimes. Our spouses and kids and close friends and family are the ones who see us at our most unpolished. What if you could feel good about yourself even then?
Now, you may wonder, where is the line? If I decide I do not have to do well to feel good about myself, what will happen? Will I stop doing everything? I used to worry about this too. I was afraid that if I stopped pushing myself and stopped associating my worth with my productivity, all I would do would be sit on the couch and drink rosé.
I am pleased to report that was not the case. You will still do things. You will still work, you will still parent your kids, you will still make dinner, you will still snuggle up on the couch to watch shows with your spouse after your kids are in bed. But what if you could do all those things with an inherent sense of your own worth and goodness?
What if the reason you try hard stops being to prove your worth? What if it starts being because it is fun to do good work or because it is aligned to your values or just because you like it?
Here is what this way of doing things opens up for you. You can set limits and boundaries. You can work smarter, not harder, because your sense of self is no longer wrapped up in being the busiest or the most hardworking or the last person at the office.
This may sound like fake news, but when you separate your worth from your productivity, non-essential work will begin to fall away. I know, that might ruffle some feathers. You might truly, deeply believe that there is no non-essential work in your life. And listen, you might be right. You know your life better than I do.
But even so, choosing to believe in your inherent value and worth will still feel way better, so it is worth doing. And guess what? You might be surprised to find out that some things you totally thought were fully essential actually do fall away.
Or you might be able to delegate them, or you save time because you realize they can be done to a B plus level and you used to run yourself ragged doing A plus quality work on them and everything else. And when you mess up or do not do well, which will happen sometimes, you will handle it. The difference is you will handle it while feeling good about yourself. You will handle it while knowing you're good enough and that things happen sometimes and then you just solve the problems and fix the things and move on without it wrecking your day or your self-esteem.
You will also notice that you're less driven by fear, fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, fear of not being good enough. Instead, you will be driven by passion and purpose and your own choices about what actually matters enough for you to give it your all, which means you will start pursuing the projects and opportunities that genuinely excite you rather than the ones you think you have to do in order to be good enough.
The shift from doing well is how I get to feel good about myself to I get to feel good about myself no matter what is a game changer. It frees you from constantly hustling for your worth, enables you to set healthy boundaries, and empowers you to pursue your goals from a place of already being enough. Remember, your value is not something you have to earn. It is already yours, and it always was.
If this episode resonates with you and you would like customized support, feeling good about yourself no matter what, I would love to help you with that. Reach out and let's have a conversation about working together to get you feeling satisfied AF, because you deserve nothing less. Thank you so much for listening in today.
If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, leave a review, or post about it on social media. It helps others find the podcast and get the support they need too. Talk to you next time.
Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.korilinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
The Satisfied AF podcast is the place to learn how to create a life and career that’s wildly delicious. Want a steamier sex life? We’ve got you. Want a more satisfying career? We’ll cover that too. And you can be sure we’ll spend lots of time talking about how to build connected, fun relationships that can handle life’s ups and downs. No matter what goals you’re working on, this show will help you create a one of a kind life that is just right for you. Join me, life and career coach Kori Linn and each week I’ll give you lots of practical tips, tools, and proven strategies to help you create all the satisfaction your heart desires.
Hello, hello, hello. This is Kori Linn, and welcome back to another episode of Satisfied AF. Today, we're diving into a topic that comes up with a lot of my clients, and that is not feeling good about yourself, especially in any area where you think you could be doing better.
This can show up in so many different places in your life, such as career, productivity level, not feeling like a good enough wife, not feeling like a good enough mom. It can even show up in your hobbies. Like for me, sometimes I get frustrated with myself when I'm at my country dancing night. If I mess up a line dance or miss a cue from a lead or do not understand what is going on in the dance, I know I'm a good dancer, but I do not always feel good about myself when I dance, which is rude, frankly.
Maybe you experience this too. Maybe you do not feel good about yourself at work. You do a lot, and sometimes folks say nice things about your work, but there is that person who said your strategy doc did not make sense, and even though you disagree with her, you worry, and you keep saying yes to more and more tasks, even unimportant ones, because dammit, you want to show everyone you're a team player and an asset to the company. Or maybe you're struggling with parenting your kids.
You're lucky in that they were so easy when they were little, but now neither of them listen to anything you say and you're at your wit's end. You think if you were a good mom, they would be better behaved. Maybe you made some kind of mistake or you would not be in this position. And the fact that you're dead tired of parenting them does not add to your sense of self-esteem in this area.
Or maybe you keep losing your temper with your spouse. You know they're a great person, you love them. Sometimes you even wonder why you cannot just be nice to them, but then they unload the dishwasher and it is like they have never been to your kitchen before and the silverware drawer looks like a bomb went off. Maybe you even go back and forth wondering if you're a bad wife or if they're the bad one.
I coach on situations like this all the time with my clients, especially high-achieving women. They're capable, they're driven, and they know how to get things done. But in certain situations, they still end up feeling like they're just not good enough.
It is just like me with the dancing. They know they're good, and yet they do not feel good about themselves. It is like there is no room for error. Either they're doing great, and they get to feel confident, or they have messed up, and now they are not allowed to feel good about themselves at all.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone, and today we're going to talk about why this happens and how you can start to change it. Let's get specific. One of the most common thought patterns I see in situations like this is some variation of, I have to do as well as I can in order to feel good about myself.
This idea might seem harmless, but it is actually just the kind of thought that can backfire and lead to feeling badly about yourself.
It can lead to overworking, overcommitting, and burning yourself out, all because you think that is what it takes to feel good about yourself. And on the flip side, it can lead to self-doubt, shame, and even despair when you make mistakes, set boundaries, or even just delegate responsibility. This thought pattern often shows up when you have subconsciously tied your value as a person to your productivity or performance.
Maybe you're amazing at your job and you know you're capable, but there is still this nagging sense that you have to keep proving it. And if you do not, you feel bad about yourself. Weirdly, you may also feel bad about yourself when you do keep proving it. You might wonder why you're so hard on yourself, why you cannot slow down, and why you cannot just feel confident and know your worth all the time.
And this thought pattern does not just show up at your day job. It also shows up in your parenting, marriage, friendship, and family relationships. Like I said before, like with me and dancing, it can even show up in your hobbies. You may find that it is hard to feel good about yourself in any arena if you perceive that there are things you're leaving undone.
And let's face it, there are always things that get left undone, especially for working moms, especially for folks with a side hustle, especially for people taking care of aging parents. Even life as a single person can feel massively overwhelming with work, trying to move your body on a regular basis, navigating tricky family dynamics, and trying to feed yourself actual meals.
It is a recipe for feeling bad about yourself and burning out too. Maybe you grew up in an environment where it was instilled in you that it was essential to be the best or work the hardest to be seen as valuable, worthy, and good enough. Or maybe your workplace culture rewards those who are constantly on the clock and always available. Whatever the case, the result is the same.
If you internalize the idea that your worthiness is directly tied to your performance and productivity, you end up feeling like you're in a never-ending race to prove yourself and gain approval. Even when you do well, it may be hard to feel good about yourself.
And if you try to say no, set boundaries, or even establish clear expectations, it may leave you with this sinking sense that you're not doing enough and therefore not allowed to feel good about yourself. Like a lot of the burnout-inducing thought patterns we talk about here, there are moments where this mentality might seem like it is beneficial.
You're probably delivering great results and getting positive feedback sometimes, but at what cost? Let's discuss. First, burnout. Working nonstop in the office and at home is exhausting. It leaves you drained, and eventually your performance suffers because you're running on empty.
And let's be honest, burnout is not just about how much you're working, it is also about the mental toll, both during the work, but especially when you're not working. Trying to rest may feel impossible if it comes with a side of deliberating if you have actually done enough to allow yourself that permission to relax.
Second, resentment. When you're constantly pushing yourself to demonstrate your value and worthiness through your effort and labor, you may start to feel resentful towards your job, your boss, your spouse, your friends, your kids, and maybe even yourself.
You resent your commitments and the effort of maintaining them, and you also resent others who do not rise to your level of performance and productivity. Third, fear of failure. You become so focused on maintaining your image that the fear of making a mistake or falling short can paralyze you. Instead of taking risks or trying new things or even delegating something that you would normally do yourself, you stay in your comfort zone, but your comfort zone is one where you're doing way too much probably.
So you stay in your comfort zone because you do not want to risk losing the value you have worked so hard to prove. And this is not just a work thing. You may over-give to your spouse because it is easier to keep doing that than to set limits and let them do more for themselves. If you do not do everything for them, it may be harder to see yourself as the good one. You may be rigid in your parenting, pushing yourself to get it right, frustrating yourself and your kids in the process, and then wind up laying awake at night, scared that you're totally failing at parenting, but also too nervous to try a different approach. You may even avoid certain hobbies or activities you would like to pursue because of the risk of performing poorly.
Even seeing those downsides, you may be reluctant to relinquish this thought pattern. It may feel totally alien and weird to imagine feeling good about yourself, not just good, but proud, confident, and satisfied even when you're not doing well. And what about feeling good about yourself when you have made a mistake or potentially even failed entirely
At work, you may be able to keep your performance up through sheer grit, but at home, we totally face plants sometimes. Our spouses and kids and close friends and family are the ones who see us at our most unpolished. What if you could feel good about yourself even then?
Now, you may wonder, where is the line? If I decide I do not have to do well to feel good about myself, what will happen? Will I stop doing everything? I used to worry about this too. I was afraid that if I stopped pushing myself and stopped associating my worth with my productivity, all I would do would be sit on the couch and drink rosé.
I am pleased to report that was not the case. You will still do things. You will still work, you will still parent your kids, you will still make dinner, you will still snuggle up on the couch to watch shows with your spouse after your kids are in bed. But what if you could do all those things with an inherent sense of your own worth and goodness?
What if the reason you try hard stops being to prove your worth? What if it starts being because it is fun to do good work or because it is aligned to your values or just because you like it?
Here is what this way of doing things opens up for you. You can set limits and boundaries. You can work smarter, not harder, because your sense of self is no longer wrapped up in being the busiest or the most hardworking or the last person at the office.
This may sound like fake news, but when you separate your worth from your productivity, non-essential work will begin to fall away. I know, that might ruffle some feathers. You might truly, deeply believe that there is no non-essential work in your life. And listen, you might be right. You know your life better than I do.
But even so, choosing to believe in your inherent value and worth will still feel way better, so it is worth doing. And guess what? You might be surprised to find out that some things you totally thought were fully essential actually do fall away.
Or you might be able to delegate them, or you save time because you realize they can be done to a B plus level and you used to run yourself ragged doing A plus quality work on them and everything else. And when you mess up or do not do well, which will happen sometimes, you will handle it. The difference is you will handle it while feeling good about yourself. You will handle it while knowing you're good enough and that things happen sometimes and then you just solve the problems and fix the things and move on without it wrecking your day or your self-esteem.
You will also notice that you're less driven by fear, fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, fear of not being good enough. Instead, you will be driven by passion and purpose and your own choices about what actually matters enough for you to give it your all, which means you will start pursuing the projects and opportunities that genuinely excite you rather than the ones you think you have to do in order to be good enough.
The shift from doing well is how I get to feel good about myself to I get to feel good about myself no matter what is a game changer. It frees you from constantly hustling for your worth, enables you to set healthy boundaries, and empowers you to pursue your goals from a place of already being enough. Remember, your value is not something you have to earn. It is already yours, and it always was.
If this episode resonates with you and you would like customized support, feeling good about yourself no matter what, I would love to help you with that. Reach out and let's have a conversation about working together to get you feeling satisfied AF, because you deserve nothing less. Thank you so much for listening in today.
If you found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, leave a review, or post about it on social media. It helps others find the podcast and get the support they need too. Talk to you next time.
Thank you for joining me for this week’s episode of Satisfied AF. If you are ready to create a wildly delicious life and have way more fun than you ever thought possible, visit www.korilinn.com to see how I can help. See you next week.
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